The Gift of Health and Radical Acceptance

"I want you to think back to seven years ago when you got your wisdom teeth out, Ryan," said my therapist. (Yes, I've been seeing her that long. And no, I will likely not stop seeing her until she retires. She's amazing and I'm going to hold onto that therapeutic goodness until I can't anymore.)

"I literally worried myself so sick I had to cancel the appointment and reschedule," I said. Next week will be 7 years ago that I got them out.

"Look at how different it is this time," she said. "You're literally about to get four organs taken out of your body next week and you are doing just fine with it - you're a little nervous, sure, but this is a major surgery. Look at how far you've come."

She had a point. It was nice to look at how far I've come in terms of my own anxiety around medical stuff in particular.

What I've also come to realize is that this time, this experience, it is a gift, and a big one. I'm getting the signal and I'm getting it right now - this is my chance to become healthier when this is all done. If I waste this opportunity, what in the actual eff am I doing with my life? If I don't have my health, I have nothing. Literally, nothing. I can push against it all I want. I can buck against how this is unfair, how I could have learned this lesson differently, how something different could have happened. I could have lamented that my body is failing me and wonder why this has happened and why now and spiral right along with all of these thoughts.

It couldn't have gone any differently. This is written into my genes. If it didn't happen now, it would have happened at another time and I would have gone through this all still, but later when I had less of a chance to recover well and make some use out of this lesson, or worse, if those thyroid nodules had turned into cancer, or I got some kind of reproductive cancer. I made the decision somewhere along the way that I wasn't going to worry about what this would look like. What's the point? There's no changing it! I had two choices - I could either let it stress me out, or I could roll with it. The thyroid stuff is written into my genes too, and I could have made the choice to get mad about it. I did, for a while - it's been a really hard few months. But, literally one morning, I woke up and said to myself that I needed to make a different choice in how I was handling this if I was going to get through this with my sanity intact. I could, again, buck against it, or I could roll with it and let myself learn the lesson that I was supposed to.

My health is precious. That's the lesson. Faced with the idea that I might lose it, it's time for me to continue to push it to the forefront.

That means exercise. That means eating better. That means leaning into my body's signals instead of ignoring them. That means trusting my doctors enough to be honest with them and let them help me.

So, at the same time as looking up what to expect after a hysterectomy and after thyroid surgery, I've been looking up ways to carefully exercise in ways that will both benefit my health and speed my recovery process. The hard stuff, the emotional work, is progressing and I'm over the biggest hump of it. The scary stuff is done now that I have the information that I need and can make educated choices. The only thing to do now is let the physical stuff run its course, recover, and then make different choices in how I treat my body. What I keep hearing from my doctors is that because I'm only 40, my body is much more resilient than it would be if I was even doing this a few years from now, so I'm in striking distance of something big and amazing health-wise. I'm solving a lot of potential problems down the road by getting these surgeries done now, and alleviating a lot of worry around what my health will look like if those thyroid nodules continue to grow (and they are - I got an ultrasound of my thyroid done yesterday, and the biggest nodule of the four grew a half a centimeter in three months. This is not a problem that is just going to go away.) or if I don't have the hysterectomy.

So, as I move into the healing phase physically, I'm starting to move into it emotionally too. I've got really good feelings about how the next few weeks and months are going to play out, and I'm going to continue to ride this wave. Am I nervous? Sure. Freaking out? Maybe sometimes, but not all the time anymore. These surgeries will solve a lot more problems than cause them, and I feel really good about that even if it's not something I asked for. And, even though none of this is in my control, I feel thankful for the lessons that this experience is teaching me.

Will it always be this way, especially through my recovery? Probably not, but I'll ride the good days as much as the bad ones, knowing that both are temporary. Pain only turns into suffering if we hold on to it.

(I also think it's no coincidence that Radical Acceptance has been a major theme in my clinical work this week. Thanks, Universe.)

Proud Moments at the Doctor

I had my first meeting with a new gastroenterologist today. We talked about all kinds of things - yearly colonoscopies, cancer risk, celiac, egg intolerances, red meat intolerances, intestinal inflammation and how stomach acid goes so far up my esophagus that it's going into my lungs and that's what's causing the chronic cough, you know, great stuff. She asked if I had anything unresolved from the medication that I was put on to control the inflammation in my stomach and I described a few symptoms to her. This was how the conversation went.

Doctor: It sounds like you might have lactose intol-

Me: No. Don't finish that sentence.

Doctor: I know. There's already a lot that you can't eat.

Me: That's correct. Also, cheese is what I would consider a staple food.

Doctor: It's so good, isn't it?

Me: I don't think you understand. If I could put cheese on my pancakes and not get funny looks, I would.

Doctor: Wow.

Me: Yes.

Doctor: Why don't we try lactaid enzymes then? That might help.

Me: That sounds like a good idea.

Doctor: Great!

Me: You can pry the cheese out of my COLD DEAD HANDS, doctor.

Doctor: (Trying desperately to change the subject) .....so do you also drink milk? What other dairy do you eat?

Me: I eat yogurt sometimes but I try to trend toward non-dairy because we like each other much better than dairy yogurt likes me. I haven't had dairy milk in easily over a decade because it bothers my stomach. I don't eat a whole lot of dairy-based ice cream because it doesn't like me and also because most of it has eggs in it. But yeah, I'll put a hurt on a bowl of coffee ice cream if the mood strikes me.

Doctor: ...and you don't want to acknowledge that you might have some kind of a lactose problem?

Me: DO.NOT.BURST.MY.BUBBLE.OF.DENIAL.

Doctor: It's only 10am and I've already probably had the most ridiculous conversation of the day.

Me: Well your receptionists have a Poo Award behind them that I was too weirded out to ask about, so there's that. I do have some tact. Somewhere. Also, I get that a lot.

She loves me already, I can tell. She laughed at me pretty hard a few times. She's going to love putting a scope up my colon once a year and a scope down my throat every two.

I've also decided that brutal, unvarnished honesty is what I'm going to bring to every doctor I meet. It works very well. Take the conversation that I had with my dermatologist a couple of weeks ago:

Me: I want to get rid of the red on my face.

Doctor: It's rosacea, so that's totally understandable. Do you moisturize?

Me: I'm just going to be straight with you. No.

Doctor: Ever?

Me: Ever. My showers are also a million degrees.

Doctor: So let me see if I have this right.

Me: Sure!

Doctor: You basically burn your face and scalp and skin every time you shower.

Me: Yes. Until my whole body is bright red.

Doctor: Which totally strips your skin of moisture.

Me: Yes.

Doctor: And you don't moisturize.

Me: I do not.

Doctor: Ever.

Me: Ever.

Doctor: Do you even own lotion?

Me: Oh, sure! I just never use it.

Doctor: Why?

Me: Ain't nobody got time for that. Also, I have yet to find one that doesn't make me break into an angry rash.

Doctor: Ah. Do you at least wash your face?

Me: In the shower!

Doctor: ....with steaming hot water running directly on it.

Me: Yup!

Doctor: And you don't moisturize afterward.

Me: Nope.

One or both of two things (likely both) are happening for me:

1. I'm burnt out on doctors. Just...stick a fork in my burned and dry skin. Done. I also have a thyroid doctor appointment next week and will likely be referred to a surgeon to get that whole mess figured out. I just want this all done already. (And no, it was not a funny funny joke when I talked about visiting 1-3 doctors per week. I literally see a doctor at least once a week.)

2. I've decided that brutal honesty is the way to go because if I'm not, no doctor will be able to adequately help me. I have to do my part if I want to get the treatment that I need. I can't just flail around and not tell any doctors anything and then be like "WHY AREN'T THEY HELPING MEEEEE?" Totally fair to exactly no one, least of all me.

Today's been a funny day, just in general. I'm just...I don't even know! I think this is the calm before the storm and I'm like those little kids who are so tired they can't stop laughing and is about to pass out and sleep through all of it in a matter of minutes. It's not a horrible place to be given my circumstances, but I know that I have to buckle down HARD on the self-care in the next week and a half to get through it.

And also start to put things I frequently use at hip height so that I don't have to bend down.

And also start buying chicken broth. And soup.

And relish the fact that two weeks from now, I'm going to be in the middle of my first of two weeks of blissful, blissful rest. I'm feeling like this whole situation is more manageable a little bit every day, which feels GREAT. I've got a plan for my clients, I ordered some loose-fitting pants, and I'm feeling almost ready. I just have to keep telling myself that I've got this, because I do.

Knitting it Out

Soooo, the two week mark. I'm having a full hysterectomy in two weeks.

It feels better to say it out loud.

We did some preparatory shopping yesterday (followed by more list making) and I started looking at message boards on Reddit from people who have been through it and also from people who've had Lynch Syndrome and been through it.

I'm not sure if it helped or not, but it definitely gave me more of an idea of what to expect. All I know for sure at this point is that the nerves are starting to set in. I know that's natural, as it would be with any major surgery. I've also already called the surgical nurse a couple of times with questions (which she wholeheartedly encourages, so I'm limiting myself to making a list and calling one more time per week before the surgery if I need it). I'm not freaking out, not yet, but I'm anticipating it. So, I did what I always do when I start to feel a surge in my anxiety about something big.

I went to Michael's.

I bought myself some rainbow yarn and some new knitting needles, and I'm going to knit it out. It always helps, without fail. Could I work on my star blanket? Yup, but crocheting doesn't help me like knitting does. I'm not sure why, but it does.

I think what happens is that knitting, because I don't have to count my stitches, helps me work stuff out. And, I've got a lot of stuff to work out. Like the fact that I'm going to be in there by myself and Rob isn't even allowed to go in with me, and how I'm actually kind of relieved about it because pre-op is a lengthy process. About what I should pack. About where I'm going to set myself up for a couple of weeks while I'm recovering. About what if they keep me overnight unexpectedly. About when I'm going to go back to work, and what that's going to look like. About what I'm going to do with all of that time where I won't be able to do anything except sit my ass on the couch. About what I'm going to watch/sleep through during that time. About when I can start walking around. About how I'm going to feed myself or what I'll need for that after the surgery, given that it's incredibly common to not want to eat for a couple of days afterward. About how my bodily functions are going to get back to normal and how long it will take. About whether or not I'll have to have a catheter and what that's going to be like. ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING TO DO ABOUT NEVER HAVING TO WALK DOWN THE FEMININE PRODUCTS AISLE EVER AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE. (I may just dance down them one more time for shits and giggles once this is all done.) About what I'm going to eat after surgery because it's very likely that I won't be able to eat anything that they have to offer me, which is how it was after my endocolonoscopy as well (they said I could bring light snacks if I want). About what I'm going to bring with me for food so that I can eat if I need to. About what time I have to be there. About whether or not Rob is going to be able to work that day. About how I'm going to keep my 8-month-old-hell-on-wheels puppy from jumping all over me. About how I'm going to be able to sit up while my abdominal muscles are healing. About hormone therapy and what that's going to look like and whether my doctor is going to start me on it right away or if he's going to wait (from everything I've heard, I'm hoping he's going to start me on it right away).

That's just the stuff off the top of my head. There's more in there - I'm certainly counting on that.

But for now, I just knit.

At this rate, I'll have a whole hat done by tomorrow even though I'm using pretty small needles. :) I'll get this all figured out - the only trick is to not over-think it. I'll just be so relieved to have it finished.

The Miracle that is Prilosec

Friends, I've had a chronic cough since my teens, and on-and-off shortness of breath for almost as long. So, we're talking decades. A long time. I chalked it up to allergies, and so did my doctors without so much as a "let's see if this is something else" until I was 24 when I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad reaction to peanuts that landed me in the emergency room. It wasn't the throat-closing-omg-I'm-dying reaction - it was sharp pains in my stomach that were so bad I could barely even move enough to get myself to the emergency room. At that point, my PCP at the time ordered an Upper GI, which I did, and it indicated that I "might have some reflux", and nothing more was spoken of it other than "stay away from honey roasted peanuts."

Solid plan, doc.

I had my first colonoscopy a few weeks ago. They also wanted to do an endoscopy to "check for celiac" (spoiler alert: it was positive) because my blood tests a couple of years ago indicated that I had it. Through that endoscopy, they saw inflammation in my esophagus and my stomach. In other words: GERD. The doctor put me on Prilosec (and I promptly switched my gastrointestinal care over to her permanently since I'm going to have to go through this every 1-2 years and I loved her straightforwardness and the having of solid plans immediately that I can stick to. SHE IS AMAZING.).

Within three days, the cough that had plagued me for literally decades was gone. Just...vanished. Like, I didn't know what to do with all that time that was no longer spent coughing and clearing my throat. It was NOTICEABLE. People pointed it out, that kind of noticeable.

I haven't been so compliant with it over the past few days. Part of it was negligence, sure, but I was also curious about what would happen.

Shortness of breath and that cough returning full force is what effing happened. My esophagus is so inflamed that it's keeping me from drawing in a full breath.

I am floored. I took it this morning and the cough that kept me up half the night last night was gone within an hour. UNBELIEVABLE.

I also started seeing a dermatologist to finally get rid of this rosacea that has been plaguing me since, well, my 20s. (This is an ongoing pattern and why I make the sweeping generalization that doctors are human turds in coats.) 

I figure why not, since I'm getting a whole bunch of other medical stuff addressed, why not just go all the way and address it all, right? I reached the point where I'm finally tired of my medical needs not being met and I'm going to speak up for myself, and my goodness, it's working. FINALLY.

ANYWAY.

Again, I brought it up to my PCP at the time that it started happening, she threw me some face gel, and we never spoke of it again even when I tried to bring up that it wasn't working. I now have a special face wash, all of the face creams, and another one coming. My face is already starting to heal and it has only been four days.

Let me tell you, friends. I finally found a good PCP that actually listens. I didn't think that existed, but there she is.

I'm hoping that I'll have all of my medical stuff wrapped up and be on an even keel by June. I have my next thyroid appointment in March, as well as my first appointment with my new gastro, and then I am having the hysterectomy March 15. Even if I have to have thyroid surgery, it's going to be a cakewalk. I'm also choosing to look at the first half of 2021 as "that funny time where I visited doctors 1-3 times a week for a while" and let it be a Comical Thing that Happened on the road to being as healthy as I can be.

And let me tell you, as soon as I have this hysterectomy done, LOOK OUT WORLD. RYAN'S BECOMING AN ATHLETE. It's happening. It is decided.

Having Too Much Energy

This seems like a good problem to have, and it is, but I have too much energy.

It really started when I woke up the morning of my endocolonoscopy. I had little glimmers of it before that, and I think it was because I started taking Zoloft, but I'm not sure. It's not switching or anything, of that I'm sure, because I'm fully aware and in tune with what's happening. I'm sleeping like a rockstar (back to 9-10 hours a night for the first time in months!), while I'm more able to focus, I don't have any super goal-directed activity, and I'm not having any kinds of hallucinations or delusions, so I know it's not that I have some hidden bipolar disorder. I'm eating really well, and I just...feel awesome.

I think I've had low-grade depression for a really, really long time. I've kind of always been troubled by persistent negative thoughts - nothing major, just gloomy. A lot of people who don't know me well are always surprised to hear that, but the thing about it that I've learned both from my work and from my own personal experience is that people can become masterful at hiding that kind of thing. We don't know the thoughts other people have, so they're super easy to hide. When I'm having a tough day that gets harder to hide, but I've been able to keep it pretty well hidden since I was a teenager. Have there been some big bumps because of life happening? Yes. But, outside of that, I haven't really opened up about it to anyone but my therapist and my husband.

ANYWAY. I've tried some antidepressants in the past with no real change except for the side effects. Lexapro made me gain weight that took like six years to get back off, Effexor was just...no. So I gave up after that. Then my naturopath put me on Dopaboost, and my world started to change. All of these issues started to go away. Then a bunch of stuff happened, both good and bad, and I became less adherent to my supplements, and I took a BIG BIG dip recently, like within the last couple of months. So, I talked to my doctor when I went to my physical. There was a pretty clear line to chemical stuff happening in my brain.

I have also started eating better, which is not a small thing in the constellation of stuff I have going on right now. Do I hate that I have to take medications every day, now three (one for my thyroid, one for my stomach, and the Zoloft)? Yes. But, if it means that I am going to feel like this, I'm ok with it. I went from not being really able to do anything at all outside of work and teaching to feeling more motivated to get out of the house sometimes. I don't want to get out of the house all the time because pandemic, but I'm getting there, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time, if ever. But, if I decide to have a lazy weekend in which I don't leave the house or talk to anyone at all except for my husband and my dog, it feels more like a choice now, if that makes sense?

But, I'm doing things like keeping my house clean and doing laundry regularly and splitting up my workload into little bits so that it doesn't feel as overwhelming. What's funny is that no one ever talks about how depression and anxiety look a lot like ADHD because they affect our executive functioning in many similar ways, but it's true! I thought for a long time that that's what it was, but I'm finding that now that I'm clearer and my brain chemicals are doing what they're supposed to, it's easier for me to make a plan for myself in terms of life and work and teaching. Do a little bit here, a little bit there, and suddenly everything feels more manageable. I'm going to be having surgery sometime in the spring semester, I don't know when, and I went back and forth with myself about how I was going to handle it in terms of my classes. I literally couldn't figure it out. The answer was right in front of me, but I couldn't even come close to getting there. It was keeping me from being able to set up my classes and get them going, or to even finish the syllabi for the classes. The solution I came up with was so easy when I sat and actually gave myself a chance to think about it yesterday that I'm almost kicking myself. What's stopping me is that when I started to put together the syllabi for my classes, I was in a really overwhelmed state, and so there was no way that I was going to be able to think it through. (A side effect of the entire front of my brain just basically being like "Yup! I'm going on a vacation. See you in two months! Take it away, Fear Center!)

But for now, I'll just ride the wave and enjoy it, because I know it isn't going to last forever, so I may as well enjoy it while it's here and savor it - that's the whole point, right?

And also trying to get my dog to stop chewing the damn windowsills. And the curtains. And the couch. And my textbooks. And my crocheting. And also to stop barking at me whenever I don't immediately give her what she wants. Like my foot. Or my socks. Or the sleeves of my sweater.

Changing it Up

Food has always been my sore spot in terms of my own self-care. Whether it's my relationship with food that needs changing, or what I choose to put in my body, or whatever. The thing that keeps this a sore spot is time.

Even with the pandemic, I've been super busy at work. I always keep myself super busy because I like being busy, and also because the nature of being a mental health counselor is that if I'm not busy, I'm not helping. (I'm also not making money, but that's another point entirely.)

I got an endocolonoscopy last week. They found some stuff that they said wasn't concerning, but needed to be addressed before it did. The big thing they found was inflammation in my stomach and my esophagus. They put me on this medication that's been helping like gangbusters (I've had this chronic cough for...well, forever, and all of a sudden it's just GONE. It's weird.), and this constant feeling of my stomach being in flux is just...not present anymore. It's been there so long I didn't even know that it COULD go away. There was talk of potentially having GERD when I was in my early 20s after I had to have an upper GI, but I brought it up to my doctor and she seemed unconcerned, so I dropped it.

(Side note - I said this more than once to my new doctor at my latest physical about various medical stuff that has come and maybe gone, and I could see her shoulders drop every time I said it. As a result, she was like "We're addressing this NOW. No more dropping it." I like my new doctor A LOT.)

But, what the most bonkers part of the whole process was the prep. I approached it with some trepidation. I'd heard that the prep is the worst part, and that it would be a highly unpleasant experience. First, I had to stop taking my supplements a week before the procedure. No big deal. Then, three days before it, I had to stop eating all nuts, seeds, and beans. A little problematic because I eat a lot of chickpeas, but not a terrible change. Then, the day before, this past Sunday, I had to stop all solid food. I had to go on a fully clear liquid diet all of Sunday. Again, not terrible. Not pleasant, but also not terrible.

Then, starting Sunday night, I had to start drinking the Plenvu. It tasted terrible, it caused some Very Unpleasant Feelings in my gut, and then I'll spare the details about the rest. It took about five hours to really start working. I slept on the couch that night so that I wouldn't disturb Rob, and then got up at 4:30am to continue the prep. It meant taking the double dose of the Plenvu, which started working in about an hour.

But let me tell you. In spite of the unpleasantness that led up to it and while I was taking it and waiting for it to work, once I was done with the prep, I felt GREAT. I literally could have gone and done major exercise in the morning on Monday if my wrist wasn't still healing. I felt light, I felt...just amazing. I practically bounced into the hospital on Monday morning, ready to have my procedure. I continued to feel amazing after I woke up, and still continue to feel pretty freaking great. I was pleasant to deal with, I felt clearheaded, and it was just different than I was expecting. I don't know what kind of magic happened between the beginning of my prep and the end of the procedure, but it has really made me want to continue feeling good.

I'd started back on the smoothie train a couple of weeks ago at the advice of my doctor, who said that I needed to beef up my breakfasts. We got a new blender and retired our 10-year-old Ninja, and our new one has a way to blend smoothies in their own cups rather than the big container, so it was a big win all around. Still, I resist making smoothies. They take too much time (they actually don't at all), they're expensive (they're not - a full bag of frozen fruit lasts me a week), the add-ins are a pain in the ass (a fistful of spinach - bam, done), I can't find a good protein powder (unflavored pea protein - bam, done), there are some fruits that I should stay away from because they were flagged as intolerances (just blueberries, and I have blueberry syrup in my coffee with no reaction) and they're in every mix I can find, wah wah wah.  I just had all of the excuses. 

Then I found Splendid Spoon. They were some random facebook ad that just popped up. I'm not a fan of food delivery services at all, but this company is right up my alley. They had exactly what I wanted - quick breakfasts and lunches - and they are gluten-free and plant-based. I have to be careful with some stuff, but there are only like two meals in their entire menu that I can't eat. It gives me my smoothie fix in the morning and has ready-made lunches, both meals that I struggle with because I often only have about 10 minutes to scarf something between sessions and that's my breakfast or lunch. It's a little pricey so I probably won't keep it up forever, but the ingredients give me ideas for smoothies that I can easily make myself. And, the lunches look so easy that I could meal prep them and be done for the week.

I got my first shipment yesterday and have to limit the number of smoothies I drink. I almost drank two yesterday, but I want to save them for when I'll actually need them. They're so good that I can't even. And who thought that cacao would be good to put in a smoothie?! Whoever it was, give them a prize, because the raspberry cacao smoothie that I had yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. The mint chip smoothie that I had today was more of the same.

I was due for a re-focusing of my diet, and I'm so glad that I gave myself the opportunity for one. Also, first medical procedure down, only one more to go (or potentially two - I find out in March). I go back for another colonoscopy in a year, but I'm not too upset about this idea, given how this one went.

The Miracle of the Right Medications

Friends, something just...switched on about a week and a half ago for me.

I think part of it was that my thyroid was finally like "oh hey, these meds are here to help me, and so I should stop making Ryan feel like shit all the time."

I also think the other part was the Zoloft.

I had a physical about a week and a half ago and told my doctor that I needed a more long-term solution for my anxiety than Ativan. Granted, it helped like gangbusters when I needed it, but I don't want to need Ativan. So, she put me on Zoloft.

I know it's just the placebo effect at this point. It takes 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to fully kick in, but let me tell you. In the past week and a half, I've been more productive because I've been less overwhelmed, I've felt MILES better in terms of my mental health, and I feel like things are just...manageable at this point. Even if it is just the placebo effect, I'll take it. I'm not feeling any side effects (which I think is both telling and awesome), and I just feel good!

I thought about the idea of medications when I was back in college. I had been to therapy in college and while it was helpful, I wasn't quite where I wanted or needed to be. I tried meds on and off for a couple of years after college but because I didn't find a good fit (Effexor was a disaster and I would be sick for days with even one glass of wine because Effexor and alcohol don't play nice and my doctor was like "well then just stop drinking that one drink you have every few months - what's the big deal?" - Uh, I shouldn't be that sick is what the big deal is, DOC.), I just gave up the ghost and went back to trying to manage it on my own.

Friends, don't do that. Mental health medications are tricky and for sure not an exact science, but find a good one. Take the time. Be patient. the right medication or combination is out there. If you're experiencing unwanted side effects that don't feel tolerable, speak up and advocate for yourself. If I had done that a few years ago when I was doing the lexapro/effexor/screw-it-then-I'll-try-nothing-and-see-how-that-goes-because-my-doctor-is-terrible dance instead of giving up, I wouldn't be giving myself the kick in the pants that I'm currently giving myself. What I really should have done at that time was get a new doctor instead of giving up on meds, because the more I experience good ones, the more I realize how much she SUCKED. I get mad just thinking about it and then also thankful because my doctor now is so so so good.

Also, I go in for my endocolonoscopy on Monday, so that will be all kinds of weird. Luckily after this point it's only going to be colonoscopies every couple of years (leaving out the endoscopy part), so that's relieving. I'm SUPER DUPER not looking forward to the prep, which has actually already started because as of today I have to cut out all nuts, seeds, and beans. The prep doesn't start in earnest until Sunday afternoon, at which point I predict that I'm going to...be a less than pleasant person to be around for a little while. I'll just be glad to get this first one out of the way so that I know what to expect in the future and I can feel more prepared for it than I do right now. Then after I finish work today, I go and get the rest of the food that I can eat this weekend - jello, broth, and just...clear liquids. All of the clear liquids. I can have a fairly normal diet tomorrow (within reason), so it's really about buying GF pasta and figuring out what I can eat.

Super good times!