Having Too Much Energy

This seems like a good problem to have, and it is, but I have too much energy.

It really started when I woke up the morning of my endocolonoscopy. I had little glimmers of it before that, and I think it was because I started taking Zoloft, but I'm not sure. It's not switching or anything, of that I'm sure, because I'm fully aware and in tune with what's happening. I'm sleeping like a rockstar (back to 9-10 hours a night for the first time in months!), while I'm more able to focus, I don't have any super goal-directed activity, and I'm not having any kinds of hallucinations or delusions, so I know it's not that I have some hidden bipolar disorder. I'm eating really well, and I just...feel awesome.

I think I've had low-grade depression for a really, really long time. I've kind of always been troubled by persistent negative thoughts - nothing major, just gloomy. A lot of people who don't know me well are always surprised to hear that, but the thing about it that I've learned both from my work and from my own personal experience is that people can become masterful at hiding that kind of thing. We don't know the thoughts other people have, so they're super easy to hide. When I'm having a tough day that gets harder to hide, but I've been able to keep it pretty well hidden since I was a teenager. Have there been some big bumps because of life happening? Yes. But, outside of that, I haven't really opened up about it to anyone but my therapist and my husband.

ANYWAY. I've tried some antidepressants in the past with no real change except for the side effects. Lexapro made me gain weight that took like six years to get back off, Effexor was just...no. So I gave up after that. Then my naturopath put me on Dopaboost, and my world started to change. All of these issues started to go away. Then a bunch of stuff happened, both good and bad, and I became less adherent to my supplements, and I took a BIG BIG dip recently, like within the last couple of months. So, I talked to my doctor when I went to my physical. There was a pretty clear line to chemical stuff happening in my brain.

I have also started eating better, which is not a small thing in the constellation of stuff I have going on right now. Do I hate that I have to take medications every day, now three (one for my thyroid, one for my stomach, and the Zoloft)? Yes. But, if it means that I am going to feel like this, I'm ok with it. I went from not being really able to do anything at all outside of work and teaching to feeling more motivated to get out of the house sometimes. I don't want to get out of the house all the time because pandemic, but I'm getting there, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time, if ever. But, if I decide to have a lazy weekend in which I don't leave the house or talk to anyone at all except for my husband and my dog, it feels more like a choice now, if that makes sense?

But, I'm doing things like keeping my house clean and doing laundry regularly and splitting up my workload into little bits so that it doesn't feel as overwhelming. What's funny is that no one ever talks about how depression and anxiety look a lot like ADHD because they affect our executive functioning in many similar ways, but it's true! I thought for a long time that that's what it was, but I'm finding that now that I'm clearer and my brain chemicals are doing what they're supposed to, it's easier for me to make a plan for myself in terms of life and work and teaching. Do a little bit here, a little bit there, and suddenly everything feels more manageable. I'm going to be having surgery sometime in the spring semester, I don't know when, and I went back and forth with myself about how I was going to handle it in terms of my classes. I literally couldn't figure it out. The answer was right in front of me, but I couldn't even come close to getting there. It was keeping me from being able to set up my classes and get them going, or to even finish the syllabi for the classes. The solution I came up with was so easy when I sat and actually gave myself a chance to think about it yesterday that I'm almost kicking myself. What's stopping me is that when I started to put together the syllabi for my classes, I was in a really overwhelmed state, and so there was no way that I was going to be able to think it through. (A side effect of the entire front of my brain just basically being like "Yup! I'm going on a vacation. See you in two months! Take it away, Fear Center!)

But for now, I'll just ride the wave and enjoy it, because I know it isn't going to last forever, so I may as well enjoy it while it's here and savor it - that's the whole point, right?

And also trying to get my dog to stop chewing the damn windowsills. And the curtains. And the couch. And my textbooks. And my crocheting. And also to stop barking at me whenever I don't immediately give her what she wants. Like my foot. Or my socks. Or the sleeves of my sweater.