Friends, something just...switched on about a week and a half ago for me.
I think part of it was that my thyroid was finally like "oh hey, these meds are here to help me, and so I should stop making Ryan feel like shit all the time."
I also think the other part was the Zoloft.
I had a physical about a week and a half ago and told my doctor that I needed a more long-term solution for my anxiety than Ativan. Granted, it helped like gangbusters when I needed it, but I don't want to need Ativan. So, she put me on Zoloft.
I know it's just the placebo effect at this point. It takes 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to fully kick in, but let me tell you. In the past week and a half, I've been more productive because I've been less overwhelmed, I've felt MILES better in terms of my mental health, and I feel like things are just...manageable at this point. Even if it is just the placebo effect, I'll take it. I'm not feeling any side effects (which I think is both telling and awesome), and I just feel good!
I thought about the idea of medications when I was back in college. I had been to therapy in college and while it was helpful, I wasn't quite where I wanted or needed to be. I tried meds on and off for a couple of years after college but because I didn't find a good fit (Effexor was a disaster and I would be sick for days with even one glass of wine because Effexor and alcohol don't play nice and my doctor was like "well then just stop drinking that one drink you have every few months - what's the big deal?" - Uh, I shouldn't be that sick is what the big deal is, DOC.), I just gave up the ghost and went back to trying to manage it on my own.
Friends, don't do that. Mental health medications are tricky and for sure not an exact science, but find a good one. Take the time. Be patient. the right medication or combination is out there. If you're experiencing unwanted side effects that don't feel tolerable, speak up and advocate for yourself. If I had done that a few years ago when I was doing the lexapro/effexor/screw-it-then-I'll-try-nothing-and-see-how-that-goes-because-my-doctor-is-terrible dance instead of giving up, I wouldn't be giving myself the kick in the pants that I'm currently giving myself. What I really should have done at that time was get a new doctor instead of giving up on meds, because the more I experience good ones, the more I realize how much she SUCKED. I get mad just thinking about it and then also thankful because my doctor now is so so so good.
Also, I go in for my endocolonoscopy on Monday, so that will be all kinds of weird. Luckily after this point it's only going to be colonoscopies every couple of years (leaving out the endoscopy part), so that's relieving. I'm SUPER DUPER not looking forward to the prep, which has actually already started because as of today I have to cut out all nuts, seeds, and beans. The prep doesn't start in earnest until Sunday afternoon, at which point I predict that I'm going to...be a less than pleasant person to be around for a little while. I'll just be glad to get this first one out of the way so that I know what to expect in the future and I can feel more prepared for it than I do right now. Then after I finish work today, I go and get the rest of the food that I can eat this weekend - jello, broth, and just...clear liquids. All of the clear liquids. I can have a fairly normal diet tomorrow (within reason), so it's really about buying GF pasta and figuring out what I can eat.
Super good times!
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