I had my first meeting with a new gastroenterologist today. We talked about all kinds of things - yearly colonoscopies, cancer risk, celiac, egg intolerances, red meat intolerances, intestinal inflammation and how stomach acid goes so far up my esophagus that it's going into my lungs and that's what's causing the chronic cough, you know, great stuff. She asked if I had anything unresolved from the medication that I was put on to control the inflammation in my stomach and I described a few symptoms to her. This was how the conversation went.
Doctor: It sounds like you might have lactose intol-
Me: No. Don't finish that sentence.
Doctor: I know. There's already a lot that you can't eat.
Me: That's correct. Also, cheese is what I would consider a staple food.
Doctor: It's so good, isn't it?
Me: I don't think you understand. If I could put cheese on my pancakes and not get funny looks, I would.
Doctor: Wow.
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Why don't we try lactaid enzymes then? That might help.
Me: That sounds like a good idea.
Doctor: Great!
Me: You can pry the cheese out of my COLD DEAD HANDS, doctor.
Doctor: (Trying desperately to change the subject) .....so do you also drink milk? What other dairy do you eat?
Me: I eat yogurt sometimes but I try to trend toward non-dairy because we like each other much better than dairy yogurt likes me. I haven't had dairy milk in easily over a decade because it bothers my stomach. I don't eat a whole lot of dairy-based ice cream because it doesn't like me and also because most of it has eggs in it. But yeah, I'll put a hurt on a bowl of coffee ice cream if the mood strikes me.
Doctor: ...and you don't want to acknowledge that you might have some kind of a lactose problem?
Me: DO.NOT.BURST.MY.BUBBLE.OF.DENIAL.
Doctor: It's only 10am and I've already probably had the most ridiculous conversation of the day.
Me: Well your receptionists have a Poo Award behind them that I was too weirded out to ask about, so there's that. I do have some tact. Somewhere. Also, I get that a lot.
She loves me already, I can tell. She laughed at me pretty hard a few times. She's going to love putting a scope up my colon once a year and a scope down my throat every two.
I've also decided that brutal, unvarnished honesty is what I'm going to bring to every doctor I meet. It works very well. Take the conversation that I had with my dermatologist a couple of weeks ago:
Me: I want to get rid of the red on my face.
Doctor: It's rosacea, so that's totally understandable. Do you moisturize?
Me: I'm just going to be straight with you. No.
Doctor: Ever?
Me: Ever. My showers are also a million degrees.
Doctor: So let me see if I have this right.
Me: Sure!
Doctor: You basically burn your face and scalp and skin every time you shower.
Me: Yes. Until my whole body is bright red.
Doctor: Which totally strips your skin of moisture.
Me: Yes.
Doctor: And you don't moisturize.
Me: I do not.
Doctor: Ever.
Me: Ever.
Doctor: Do you even own lotion?
Me: Oh, sure! I just never use it.
Doctor: Why?
Me: Ain't nobody got time for that. Also, I have yet to find one that doesn't make me break into an angry rash.
Doctor: Ah. Do you at least wash your face?
Me: In the shower!
Doctor: ....with steaming hot water running directly on it.
Me: Yup!
Doctor: And you don't moisturize afterward.
Me: Nope.
One or both of two things (likely both) are happening for me:
1. I'm burnt out on doctors. Just...stick a fork in my burned and dry skin. Done. I also have a thyroid doctor appointment next week and will likely be referred to a surgeon to get that whole mess figured out. I just want this all done already. (And no, it was not a funny funny joke when I talked about visiting 1-3 doctors per week. I literally see a doctor at least once a week.)
2. I've decided that brutal honesty is the way to go because if I'm not, no doctor will be able to adequately help me. I have to do my part if I want to get the treatment that I need. I can't just flail around and not tell any doctors anything and then be like "WHY AREN'T THEY HELPING MEEEEE?" Totally fair to exactly no one, least of all me.
Today's been a funny day, just in general. I'm just...I don't even know! I think this is the calm before the storm and I'm like those little kids who are so tired they can't stop laughing and is about to pass out and sleep through all of it in a matter of minutes. It's not a horrible place to be given my circumstances, but I know that I have to buckle down HARD on the self-care in the next week and a half to get through it.
And also start to put things I frequently use at hip height so that I don't have to bend down.
And also start buying chicken broth. And soup.
And relish the fact that two weeks from now, I'm going to be in the middle of my first of two weeks of blissful, blissful rest. I'm feeling like this whole situation is more manageable a little bit every day, which feels GREAT. I've got a plan for my clients, I ordered some loose-fitting pants, and I'm feeling almost ready. I just have to keep telling myself that I've got this, because I do.
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