As I'm sure everyone who reads this blog does, I have people in my life who hurt me, sometimes as a matter of routine because I accept what they're doing.
I have come to realize that if someone who is close to me hurts me, it's equal parts their fault and mine. It's usually a pattern of behavior that has been long-ingrained, and it takes me setting boundaries in order to get it to stop, which I don't do NEARLY enough of. It is not only a long pattern of this person exhibiting this behavior, but also a long pattern of me accepting and enabling it. Moreover, if someone does or says something that hurts me, it is VERY rare that I'll say anything, and what stops me is fear. It's this silence that keeps the pattern going; but on the other side, these hurts keep me from saying anything because if a person close to me will hurt me, it's highly likely that they'll try to hurt me further by being defensive and attacking and blaming me if I bring up my feelings. (I have some experience with this. It's safer for me to just shut up about it and deal with it on my own 99 times out of 100.)
Because I have learned to set healthy boundaries in my life over the past several years (before that I literally had no clue how to do it), the times that others hurt me are few and far between at this point. But, it almost makes it sting worse now because before it was so routine, I just rolled with it. Now, when I'm shown a glaring example of unhealthy patterns that still exist in my life that I have worked and continue to work on so that they stop happening, it sucks a lot. It's kind of like playing Whack-a-Mole, y'know?
But the good thing is that when these things happen, there are lots of things that I can do to protect myself and I can recognize it as an opportunity to change what I'm doing. What I invariably need to do whenever this happens in order to feel better is to make myself less accessible overall. I go off of social media for a while, or I'll reply less to people's texts - I'll just go a little bit more into my shell.
In lighter (and kind of related) news, I got the promotion that I applied for! I am super excited, and it starts July 1. There are some changes that I have to make to my social media, but I'm going to keep blogging. The biggest thing (and I'm in denial about it currently, so I'm glad I still have three weeks to get this shit figured out) is that I have to unfriend my coworkers. I have been lamenting this since I realized I had to do it, and I looked to The Universe to help make it easier. And like with my broken arm a few years ago*, The Universe delivered.
I got a friend request from someone who should not have found my facebook (and who I took great pains to not allow them to find it) because my profile is not searchable, I don't use my full name on it, and I don't put pictures up of myself, or allow pictures of me to be tagged. What that means is that someone that I know knows this person, which makes it even more uncomfortable because that is literally the only way that they would have or could have found my facebook.
So, in order to take necessary precautions on all fronts both current and future, I'll be deactivating my facebook and possibly twitter for a while, so if you want to keep updated, make sure you bookmark my page, dudes. I always deactivate for at least a little while around my birthday anyway, because getting birthday wishes from people who I don't even talk to outside of that once per year birthday wish (Also, Unpopular Opinion: That's why I don't wish people a happy birthday over facebook - text or phone call only - it's totally disingenuous otherwise, in my opinion) makes me nutsy. So deactivating is what it is, and last time it lasted six months.
June 30 is when it's happening. Get prepped, self.
In other news, tomorrow begins week five of the elimination diet. You know what that means? REINCORPORATION, BABY. I'm starting with eggs.
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| Yessssss. Hey frands. |
I'm actually starting a day early (today) because I've had PUH-LENTY of this bullshit. Am I down twelve pounds and nearly three pant sizes? Yes. Would I do something irrational/outlandish for a burger or some pizza right now? Also yes. Then what I am to do is reincorporate a food every three days....unless I have a reaction. If I have a reaction to a food, I am to cut it back out of my diet and wait another three days before incorporating the next food. I can't remember what the order specifically is, but I wrote it down and got to determine a good three quarters of the order on my own. I know I'm starting with eggs today and then I'll be doing soy on Tuesday so that I can start to reincorporate salad dressing. I do love olive oil, please don't get me wrong, but I'm SUPER sick of it.
Also, the nutritionist said to start slow when I reincorporate, and meant having "one" egg.
Snort.
Who has one egg? Well, actually, I do a lot (one hard-boiled egg is plenty for me, thanks), but when they're scrambled and delicious, YUM-O. I WOULD LIKE ALL OF THEM PLEASE.
I was also told to reincorporate dairy and gluten last, in that order, which will be happening by the end of June if I don't have any reactions to anything else. I may also just not reincorporate gluten because I knew that it was a problem before I even started the elimination diet. We'll see. I just can't wait for peanuts and red meat, because Five Guys.
The only thing that sucks about the next few weeks diet-wise is that I have to start journaling. I need to be more mindful than ever about what I'm putting in my mouth, and I need to account for every bite. I need to pay attention to reactions that I'm having (paying, in my opinion, particular attention to migraines, since I've only had one since April...weird when I used to get them weekly, right?!) and just be really hypervigilant about it. I despise journaling. Like, absolutely despise it. But, I also hated cutting red meat, eggs, dairy, soy, corn, sugar, peanuts, and gluten out of my diet and I did that too. My threshold for doing things that I don't like doing has become higher in the interest of improving my health, and I'm not sure if I like that or not.
Also, my doctor is resigning from the functional medicine practice that I go to! When I went to get in with someone else, they were referring me to a regular doctor. I felt SUPER wonky about it, like "Great. Here we go again!" and decided to advocate for myself and do something about it. So I called back the next day, explained to them that I would need to find a new functional medicine doctor if they can't get me in with the PA in the practice and the conversation that I'd had the previous day (with a few tears mixed in - what? It turns out that these diet changes make people SUPER SENSITIVE.), and they were like "yeah, no. You were told the wrong information. We're going to set you up with this new person who's transitioning over to functional medicine, and 10 days earlier than your original appointment was."
FANTASTIC. :D
So, that's all I have for now. If I get invisalign this week, I'll make sure I take some funny dorky pictures. :) I'll hopefully at least have the consult appointment made by the end of the week if not have the trays in my mouth and my teeth getting all straightened and stuff.
Time to go cook some eggs!
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| Also, WHO THE SHIT DOES THINGS LIKE THIS. JUST EAT THE DAMN EGG. |
*OK. Super fun story. Rewind to final year of grad school. I was asked to audition for a flute choir, but because I was rockin' internship and writing my thesis and collecting my data for said thesis all at the same time, there was no way to do it all. I just couldn't. But I have known the conductor of this flute choir for like two decades, and I couldn't say no. So I asked The Universe for some help, and broke my arm in two places the very next day. Coincidence? I think not.
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