Phew.

The last few months have been hairy, friends. Downright hairy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future, and the idea of getting a doctorate, and I've been coming around to an idea that I've really been struggling with: I don't think I want to be a counselor educator.

Don't get me wrong, there has been a lot of good. A whole lot of good. A whole lot of good that is still happening, even. However, there have also been a lot of disappointments and bumps and they, at this moment, feel insurmountable. I thought this was what I wanted for a really, really long time. The seed was planted in like my third term of grad school about the idea of being a counselor educator and I've been thinking about it ever since. And then I started positioning myself to get there. I wrote a thesis. Then I submitted an article. I've presented at national and regional conferences. I started teaching. I became a clinical supervisor. I did all of the things you do when you want to put yourself in the best position possible to go for your doctorate in Counselor Education and Supervision and succeed at it. Then I got an adjunct position. Then I got another one. I was teaching, the glow was still new, but there was a lot of stuff that was going on in the background outside of my awareness that I am still trying to wrap my head around now that I see it.

There's a lot of bureaucratic stuff that I'd have to deal with if I go on to get a doctorate and then teach full time. We're not even talking dissertation and tenure. We're talking just existing in the context of a department. I had an abrupt moment a couple of weeks ago and was like "I think I want absolutely nothing to do with this bullshit." It's not that I'm not a team player - I am, and I can (and do) function very well as a part of a team. I do it every day. But this is a different kind of politics than those to which I am accustomed, and I'm not entirely sure if I like it or if I can function in that kind of environment. I'm leaning more toward "fuck no I don't, I'm running as far away from this as possible" than "maybe I could make this work". I'm trying hard to listen to that screaming side of myself and make sense of it, but like any situation, it's hard to listen to someone when they're yelling at you.

Maybe I'll continue to teach adjunct. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go back to being a therapist. Maybe I'll continue supervising. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go into private practice. Maybe I'll find a cushy counseling job at a college. Maybe I'll go for my doctorate in a different area of counseling. Maybe I'll fashion myself a box and go live in the woods for a while. Or work at Target or something equally brainless. That seems pretty nice right about now. Plus I've started to fancy red shirts, so maybe it's a better fit.

I just need to get through the summer and get all of this behind me, and then I'll be good, I think. I'm also no longer bordering on I Officially Have Too Much to Do Territory - I'm fully entrenched. Teaching two classes, working full time, and helping to plan a regional conference has tipped me over the cliff. Like, fully over it. Nothing to grab on to, nothing to break my fall, just screaming on down. The good thing is that now that I've hit my limit, I know exactly where it is and I will know better than to hit that point again.

I've just got to find a way to stop fucking falling already and claw my way back up.

Holy Shit.

Dudes, Hashimoto's is no joke.

The way that it works is that the immune system attacks the thyroid. What happens as a result of this is generally being hypothyroid, with an occasional "thyroid hormone flush" where symptoms swing wildly into hyperthyroidism. This is generally an indication of a flare-up, which is caused often by changes in diet that cause inflammation through the body and increased autoimmune response.

The long and short of it is that I'm pretty sure that I'm in the middle of one of those flare-ups right now.

I know that googling symptoms or googling specific conditions is generally not a good idea, but I do it a lot around Hashimoto's because it's relatively unknown to me. I was given the diagnosis and encouraged to do research on it and more, to be mindful of my symptoms in order to figure out what exactly a flare-up looks like for me, with the knowledge that they're different for everyone.

I think I'd been having them a lot before I started getting treated for it. I had been humming along really well taking the thyroid hormone that I've been prescribed and feeling a general increase in energy and mood. It's been pretty good.

Then this past weekend happened.

I chalked it up to a stressful week at work as well as dietary changes since I reincorporated gluten, and this past week (and this current one) are a DOOZY. But I had NO patience, my anxiety level was higher than it has been in years, and while that has reduced, there are other things that have not.

Primarily, I'm hot. Anyone who knows me knows that I am perpetually cold. I wear sweaters until it's in the 80s, and then I graduate to long-sleeved shirts. I wear pants year-round, but if I'm comfortable, I might throw on some capris or cropped pants. Never shorts. I get too cold. Even if it's like 90 degrees outside. However, it's like 30 degrees out right now, and I just walked outside to take out the garbage with no jacket or anything on and I was fine.

Sleep has also been an issue, but I just chalked that up to stress - I was up at 4:30 this morning, wide awake. That NEVER happens. I have also been struggling to get to sleep the past few nights. My energy levels have also been through the roof and I have had a difficult time concentrating - all stress-induced, I thought. Most alarmingly though (and again, this also happens at high levels of stress for me), I have been having pretty significant heart palpitations since Monday. I'll just be sitting there in a meeting and all of a sudden my heart will start fluttering and I'll feel like I'm going to faint.

Nope. Not stress.

I just looked up the common symptoms for thyroid hormone flush, and I have every single one.

So, I'm not taking my thyroid meds today, because that will only make it worse, and calling my doctor to see if I can get in earlier than the appointment I have in April. I'm also going to get some blood drawn in the next day or two and see if my counts have changed. I can all but guarantee that they have.

In the meantime, I'll just keep telling myself that this is only temporary.

Finding Joy

So, my vacation is coming to a close.

Sad, but also not. I'm ready to get back to work.

The nice part was that this was a really balanced vacation. Rob and I set about the tidying task before us, and while we got a shit ton done and it resulted in getting well over half of our stuff (yes, you read that right) in its rightful place at goodwill, we also took time to rest and detach from our respective jobs.

In short, I think this might be the best vacation I've ever had.

I've really started to consider this idea of intentionally practicing joy, and I realized that I do it a good chunk of the time. I find joy in my job, I find joy in my non-work life, and I find joy in my relationships. A lot of changes over the past year have happened in my relationships in particular, and I think without these changes, I actually would feel less joyful. I've been more intentional about the time I spend with others, and this whole experience this week has helped my living space match how I have been feeling inside.

Take my wardrobe, for example. I had all of these clothes, some of which I felt indifferent about, others that I just felt like I had to have as staples in my wardrobe, and I realized that I needed exactly none of these things. So you know what I did? I got rid of about 75% of my wardrobe. No exaggeration WHATSOEVER. 75% of my clothes, gone. I started off feeling pretty nervous, but by the end, I looked at my clothes, and every single item I kept are items that I genuinely love. Not a single placeholder t-shirt to be found. Not a single sweater that I keep "just in case I need something to keep me warm". Only clothes that make me feel good to be wearing them, and only clothes that fit exactly how I want them to.

I also had the opportunity to do some decluttering of other stuff, like my electronics, and I found our wedding and honeymoon pictures. It's so fun to look back on those times and have them all in one place (now) where we can access them anytime we want.

I also unloaded (or will be unloading tomorrow) something huge - I'm submitting my article to its first publication tomorrow. This two and a half-year labor of love, and I have a publishable article. I'm so effing excited about this that I could puke. Even if it doesn't get accepted (which doesn't entirely feel likely, because in discussing it with the editor of the publication at a conference last year, he was more excited about it than I was at that point because I had just started writing), I still got this big huge thing done. I have a few other publications that I can submit to in case it doesn't get accepted, but because the counseling field has this annoying (but understandable) ethical code that says that we can only submit to one publication at a time, I will hit the submit button tomorrow and (hopefully) shove it to the back of my brain for three months.

In the same vein, you know what will bring me joy? If I can figure out how to get my signature in a word document. As soon as I have that part done, it's goin' in.

Fingers crossed! :)

De-Cluttering

Because we're looking at selling our condo in the next year, Rob and I have started to really think about our clutter.

We have accumulated A LOT of stuff since we moved in here. Like, a lot. We have also changed a lot of stuff in this place - we've repainted, we redid the bathroom upstairs, and we potentially have to purchase a new furnace and potentially a new water heater before we move, which will cost in the neighborhood of $10,000. Daunting? Yes. But we've been saving for it since we learned that our furnace is going kaput, so we should be fine.

We also have a ton of shit to fix, like the paint jobs in various rooms and repainting certain places, and we're repainting one of the rooms because it's too bright a green to be in any way appealing to a potential buyer.

But we're taking this opportunity to be prepared to move.

In the past, we have purged both before and after a move, and it has helped us to keep the amount of stuff we have in check. This time, though, I think it's going to be a bigger job than ever before.

I've been starting to think about being mentally ready for this change, particularly the change in the level of clutter. We always have battled clutter, but it seems bigger lately. Coming home often feels overwhelming because we're so cluttered, and I don't want to live like that anymore. I also don't want to move into a new house with all of this shit hanging over us. To that end, I downloaded this Marie Kondo book, with the hope that I will be able to give myself some mental space to get ready to de-clutter.

WHAT A PAGE-TURNER. She talks about the idea of putting all of your stuff in one place, taking each thing in your hands, and determining whether or not it gives you joy. If it doesn't, out it goes. She also talks about tidying by category rather than by room, and that makes a lot of sense - for instance, we have this closet that just has a ton of shit in it, and most of it we haven't touched since we moved in and is kitchen stuff. To put all of that stuff together and get our kitchen stuff together and go through all of it I think will be excellent.

She also talks about the idea of tidying once. One time. That way, we know where everything goes and put it back there when we're done. It's a pretty interesting read!

We're taking February vacation off together, and we're taking that entire week to get ourselves organized, or at least start the process. It'll be a long one to be sure, but it will be worth it when it's time to move and get into a new place. I'm pretty excited.

Waiting is not my forte.

I know that the meeting happened that decided my licensure status happened on Friday.

I know that it takes time. The rational side of my brain is slapping me in the face right now and being like "COOL IT RYAN. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME."

The irrational side of my brain is battling it out currently. The thing is, one of my mentors from grad school is on the board. I know this. What I also know (rational brain speaking here) is that we are both ethical people. Could he call me and tell me what happened and what was decided? Of course he could. But he's ethical and he won't. Also, because I'm ethical, I would never put him in the position to have to answer if I asked, and I would never, ever even think of exploiting our relationship in that way.

Do I wish that he and I could just both set aside our ethics for one effing second and he would just TELL ME WHAT WAS DECIDED, DAMN IT? Of course I do. But I don't get special privileges just because I know someone on the board, no matter how well I may know them. I have to wait just like everyone else.

Juuuuuuuust like everyone else.

I wonder if anyone else's anxiety level is this high over what everyone is trying to convince me is basically a done deal. In all reality, I'm likely going to be licensed. It's just a matter of getting the letter, writing the check, and getting my license and paperwork to hang in my office.

But the thing is, it's not a done deal. People get denied licensure all the time for reasons that seem weird and entirely out of their control. So, as encouraging as people are trying to be, it's not working. I just need the damn letter, and then I will be a bearable person to be around.

In other news, to bide my time, I tried a new gluten free brownie mix this weekend. King Arthur Flour makes it, and the reason I decided to try it was because I went to a local cafe the other day and had some blueberry bread that didn't taste at all like it was gluten free, but it WAS. I asked them for the recipe (literally, I went up to the counter and said, "What is the sorcery behind you guys being able to make this gluten free without tasting like it?"), and they told me that it was all King Arthur Flour mix. They gushed about it, even.

The brownies TOTALLY lived up to the hype. They weren't grainy, they were soft, they didn't break apart in my hands, it was MAGIC. The entire pan is gone. Rob liked them too. I find it encouraging that people are getting better at gluten-free. I also found a GRRRRRRRREAT recipe this weekend for gluten-free beef stew, so I threw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and it's ready to eat today. I can't wait to try it.

Also, I'm currently sitting at home waiting for an electrician to come to my house, and I think the awesomeness of the brownies made it happen (being that taking them out of the oven was the first time that it happened), but the stove keeps tripping the circuit breaker. Like, three or four times just yesterday. It just happened out of the blue. Also, our furnace needs repair (to prevent carbon monoxide poisoning, so it's not like it's a small deal), so this is going to be an expensive week house-wise. We've been lucky up to this point except when our water heater started having some shenanigans right after we moved in, but it's been right as rain ever since and we've had NO trouble with anything else. So, we're due, I guess one could argue.

So, I continue to wait.

And continue to press the "licensee lookup" button and type in my name on the website for the board.

Compulsively.

My Weird Brain

So, I'm teaching three classes this semester.

If you are thinking, "RYAN YOU ARE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU WORK UPWARDS OF FIFTY HOURS A WEEK AND TEACH THREE CLASSES", you are certainly not wrong. I think that to myself about three times a day.

They're all pretty straightforward though, and they're RIGHT in my wheelhouse as a counselor, so I feel like I've got a good amount of knowledge to impart and it's pretty great.

There is this one class though. It's a full-semester class, and it's taught entirely online. I'm teaching the very first online iteration of this class, and its start was stressful because I had just shy of three weeks to read the entire textbook and develop the entire course, all in my first month of my promotion at work, so it was a stressful time.

Regardless, I do my grading on weekends. That's literally the only time I have to do it. I could do some on Mondays (and I do for my hybrid class), but it's largely weekends. It takes me about six hours total to do all of my grading for these three classes, so it's not a huge time commitment. The reason that I'm thinking about this is that taking on the hybrid class that I am currently teaching started in a similar way (I was asked at the last minute, and had a VERY short amount of time to develop my syllabus and cram an entire textbook into my already largely occupied brain), and I'm noticing a pattern.

I have started to avoid grading for these two classes specifically. For my other class, I'm all over it. But these two classes are difficult for me to get motivated.

It started innocently enough. I was like "eh, all this can wait until Sunday" one week, and while I did it, I stressed about it. a lot. And I stress about it every week. In reflecting on it, I can find no discernable reason - the students are meeting the expectations consistently, they're working in the ways that I want them to - they're bringing their A games, even. But I have the yips about these two classes. So I stress, I procrastinate, I avoid...and then everything's fine when I sit down and actually do the grading. What I have been able to determine is that I'm stressed about grading these two classes because the start was stressful. But knowing that doesn't stop my brain from trying to avoid.

I'm such a weirdo.

What I do when I’m Crispy

Friends, I’m crispy.

Burnt.

Toasty.

That’s a selfie I took earlier.

Anywho, how do I know that I’m crispy? Really, how does anyone know?

That’s a good question. For some, it’s dark humor. I can always take that off the list, because it’s just my general sense of humor. Some people become short-tempered, but mine goes beyond that. The great thing about counselor education is that they teach you to tune into yourself and figure out what burnout looks like. You almost become too self-aware, but it serves a purpose, which is to be able to tell when you’re getting burnt. The burnout rate in my profession is astronomical, especially in the environment in which I work. It’s just the nature of the beast, and burnout isn’t so much a thing to avoid, because it’s inevitable. The trick is to notice it when it happens and have the wherewithal to act, or have colleagues close enough to you that they will be able to tell and have the comfort level to point it out. This is important, because if you get burnt and don’t notice it or act, you can do quite a bit of damage. Every counselor has their own signs of burnout, and I’ve pinpointed several of mine:

My reserve of patience is and has been close to zero without any kind of replenishment for the last couple of weeks. Like, even my dog is annoying, and I never, ever get annoyed at my dog. He isn’t even doing anything different - he’s just being Miles. Also, I have urges to yell at people. Like, legit yell. Like, freak the fuck out, red faced, spittle flying everywhere kind of yelling. I’m also perpetually mad, even after a good day, without any kind of respite.

The thing is, if I’m going to get burnt, this is the time of year when it will happen. The holidays are coming and I hate them so my stress level is high, work is NUTS, and I’m just tired. Mix all that shit together, and it’s burnout city, population Ryan.

So, when I start to get crispy, I double down on the self-care. I knit more, I sleep more, and I give myself opportunities to rest. For instance, tomorrow I have an Invisalign appointment at 945, so I’m taking a half day and sleeping in, and then following my appointment up with some retail therapy before going into work. Also, I’m making my thanksgiving weekend as stress-free as possible and filling it with people that I know will nourish me and allow me to be myself. I also am intentionally eating better and making myself smoothies in the morning again and making sure I take my vitamins. I’m just WAY more intentional about everything that helps me to feel better. Also, increasing my therapy appointments helps, and most importantly, being honest with myself about it. Because I’m such a perfectionist, I have a hard time admitting to myself that I’m feeling burnt, but the grrrrreat thing about this new role of mine is that if I have to give others feedback about it, I damn well be pretty honed into my own tendencies.

Speaking of this new role, I’m starting to fit into it better. I am more decisive than I ever have been in any job, and I’m starting to feel more confident and competent.

Finally.

Ok. I’m going to go knit and drink tea and watch Gilmore girls like the self-care champ that I am.