Phew.

The last few months have been hairy, friends. Downright hairy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future, and the idea of getting a doctorate, and I've been coming around to an idea that I've really been struggling with: I don't think I want to be a counselor educator.

Don't get me wrong, there has been a lot of good. A whole lot of good. A whole lot of good that is still happening, even. However, there have also been a lot of disappointments and bumps and they, at this moment, feel insurmountable. I thought this was what I wanted for a really, really long time. The seed was planted in like my third term of grad school about the idea of being a counselor educator and I've been thinking about it ever since. And then I started positioning myself to get there. I wrote a thesis. Then I submitted an article. I've presented at national and regional conferences. I started teaching. I became a clinical supervisor. I did all of the things you do when you want to put yourself in the best position possible to go for your doctorate in Counselor Education and Supervision and succeed at it. Then I got an adjunct position. Then I got another one. I was teaching, the glow was still new, but there was a lot of stuff that was going on in the background outside of my awareness that I am still trying to wrap my head around now that I see it.

There's a lot of bureaucratic stuff that I'd have to deal with if I go on to get a doctorate and then teach full time. We're not even talking dissertation and tenure. We're talking just existing in the context of a department. I had an abrupt moment a couple of weeks ago and was like "I think I want absolutely nothing to do with this bullshit." It's not that I'm not a team player - I am, and I can (and do) function very well as a part of a team. I do it every day. But this is a different kind of politics than those to which I am accustomed, and I'm not entirely sure if I like it or if I can function in that kind of environment. I'm leaning more toward "fuck no I don't, I'm running as far away from this as possible" than "maybe I could make this work". I'm trying hard to listen to that screaming side of myself and make sense of it, but like any situation, it's hard to listen to someone when they're yelling at you.

Maybe I'll continue to teach adjunct. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go back to being a therapist. Maybe I'll continue supervising. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go into private practice. Maybe I'll find a cushy counseling job at a college. Maybe I'll go for my doctorate in a different area of counseling. Maybe I'll fashion myself a box and go live in the woods for a while. Or work at Target or something equally brainless. That seems pretty nice right about now. Plus I've started to fancy red shirts, so maybe it's a better fit.

I just need to get through the summer and get all of this behind me, and then I'll be good, I think. I'm also no longer bordering on I Officially Have Too Much to Do Territory - I'm fully entrenched. Teaching two classes, working full time, and helping to plan a regional conference has tipped me over the cliff. Like, fully over it. Nothing to grab on to, nothing to break my fall, just screaming on down. The good thing is that now that I've hit my limit, I know exactly where it is and I will know better than to hit that point again.

I've just got to find a way to stop fucking falling already and claw my way back up.