Sticking Up for Myself

"We need to reschedule your appointment with your new doctor and he's scheduling out until August," said the nurse with possibly the worst job ever that day because she had TONS of patients to reschedule (she told me so).

"WELL, I'm afraid that this is not an acceptable scenario for me. I was supposed to see my original doctor in weeks 6-8 of the elimination diet. I'm currently on week 7. Also, I got that letter that my new doctor is transferring fully to the functional medicine practice as of July 1, WHICH IS WHY I CALLED A WEEK AGO TO ENSURE I STILL HAD MY APPOINTMENT. This is terrible patient care, bordering on unethical. I've been told that I need to go on a really restrictive diet with monitoring by my doctor, but the monitoring isn't happening. Please give me another option before I just give up on you guys entirely and find another functional medicine practice that will take my insurance."

BOOM. I got my appointment moved by only two days with the PA in the office. And I made the appointment in August that they were offering, just in case.

I would like THAT to be a bigger aspect of my personality, please.

I get jerked around a lot. It's part of the nature of my job (people want me to see the best sides of themselves, and I to believe what they're telling me, whether it's grounded in reality or not - who am I to say that someone is lying to me?), but it's also part of my nature as a person. People push me around a lot to get what they want and I just give in, in the interest of preserving the relationship. Ironically, that's not what happens, though - I just become resentful of the people who push me around and I don't say anything, and then I just don't want to be around them, and then I blow shit up when it's too late and I feel like I have no other options. It's my way of having control, I suppose, because then I get to decide when enough is enough, not the other person. In all reality, I have this control all the time - no one gets to dictate my experience or my feelings in any way, but I never feel that way until it's time to break a few eggs, y'know?

What's funny is that I can usually do it when it comes to professional stuff. For instance, I was borderline stalking the administrative assistant of the licensure board because I had to switch supervisors, there was a problem with my paperwork that I didn't catch, so it didn't get approved. I had to be SO FAR up this woman's ass that the last time we spoke, she hung up on me. There were a few things she had to do that she hadn't, and I had been waiting literally a month and a half to get my approval paperwork, AND every time we spoke on the phone (which was daily at one point), she acted like she had no idea who I was. Also, if something unacceptable is happening at work (on the administrative side of things), I have NO PROBLEM speaking up, even to people pretty far above me. I'm pretty outspoken. I'm also pretty outspoken with my clients. I have NO PROBLEM naming it if something is going on.

But not in my personal life.

I'm getting better, but I'm nowhere near there yet. I think when it's personal, it's just harder. At work, I'm able to take the personal entirely out of it for the first time ever in my whole working life. It used to be that if someone treated me badly or something happened that I didn't like or I wasn't listened to, I would take it SUPER personally. I don't do that anymore. In my personal life, though, some of those same patterns that don't usually bother me show through and I go THROUGH THE ROOF.

Inside.

No one, save for my husband probably, knows it.

This is something that I'm working on, but it has taken time and will continue to.

In other news, I started over on the Couch to 5k, and the first day was great. I'm running inside right now because my allergies go haywire around this time of the year (and get 10 times worse when it's muggy), but I'll give it another month and see how it goes, maybe start outside. I signed up for a color run in August, and I'm super excited about it.

Also, soy is a no. I waited the requisite three days, and I'm going to reincorporate corn today. I'm excited about this because now I can eat GF bread without worrying about its ingredients. I'll have to check for dairy ingredients (sometimes GF bread has carageenan in it, which is a dairy-based ingredient), but I think I'm on the right track. I also had dairy-free, soy free, gluten free pizza last night, and it was ok. Yeah, just ok. The cheeze (as they called it on the box! SNORT!) didn't melt, and that was strange to me. If it's gonna be cheese, it's gonna have to melt. Though, I did save a piece because I couldn't eat the whole thing, and it is TASTY the next day.

I incorporate dairy on the 30th. I CAN'T WAIT.

Cutting the Cord(s).

Since I deactivated facebook and twitter and instagram, even though it was in a flurry of frustration in the moment, it's the best decision I've made in a long, long time.

You know why?

No more political bullshit.

No more of Donald Trump's tweets.

No more heartbreak that I have to see this shit every day and know that he's President. Do I still have heartbreak? Yes. Of course I do. But I don't need to see it displayed in the form of literally hundreds of facebook posts or reposts every damn day. Do I see it in the news that I follow? Yes. But that's easier to turn off.

No more horrifying videos or pictures of animal abuse that some of my friends like to post because they're shocking. Newsflash and possibly unpopular opinion: Those videos and pictures just make me mad at you, friends who post them. They don't make me want to act. I know that's what you're hoping will happen, but it doesn't work, at least not for me. Heartbreak no longer makes me take out my wallet - knowing that my dollar will make a difference does, even if it's a small one.

No more stories of parents who are abusive to their children or this 12-year-old that died by suicide the other day because they were bullied.

I never realize how much of a toll that stuff takes on my mental health until I walk away from it, even for a few days. I really, truly can't take it anymore.

There was also a time where I deactivated for about six months, and I was asking my husband a lot about what was going on in facebook land.

This time, I don't really care. To be honest, I kind of already know because it's the same shit over and over and over again.

I'm sure I'm feeling this way now, but it may change and I may want to reactivate in the future, but I think that it might be permanent this time. It feels different. I feel so starkly better that it is almost shocking.

Also, I called this morning and canceled my cable service. We've been paying for cable and don't even have the box set up - we solely watch netflix, hulu, and HBO. We can get ALLLLLL of those things on Apple TV. There was -literally- no reason that we were paying as much as we were, so I finally chatted with a very helpful representative (on XFinity! WHO KNEW THEY EXISTED?!) and got it taken care of. They now leech $50 less per month from us. (Now I just need to remember to return the box, which is happening this morning.)

Being less engaged overall has been helpful for me as of late. I have REALLY needed a break from people-ing. I also think I'm going to be taking a vacation sometime this summer (especially since I'm about to max out my earned time and I lose it if I don't use it) because it's looking like some pretty significant plans that I had are going to fall through - nobody's fault, it's just what's happening - and I need to do something with that time.

PHEW. This is how I know I'm an introvert, friends who don't believe me when I tell you that I am one.

Indulging My Nerdy Side

Guys, I'm SUPER excited. 

You're going to think I'm weird.

My mentor took my first draft of the first section of my article and ripped it to effing shreds. There was six pages of material, and like eleventy billion pieces of feedback.

 

I could kiss him on his married mouth.

This is all by way of saying that my article is cooking. Also, I love love LOVE getting feedback on my writing. I am STOKED. What I have also realized is that I have to indulge this nerdy side of myself if I'm going to find fulfillment in my career. I've been blessed with this deep well of curiosity, and I'm finally in the career that might make a great run at filling it. 

I am also fortunate to be going up to my alma mater every Thursday night this summer, and I go with extra time and high hopes about working on my article during that time.

Last week, I napped.

This week, I sat outside and ate chips and didn't pick up a single piece of paper.

I'm not quite in the right mindset, I don't think. It has been a rough week to say the least, and I'm going to make a run at some revisions and some lit reviewing this weekend, I think. We'll see. Self-care is at the front of my mind at the moment, and sometimes that means putting some stuff away for a bit, which is perfectly acceptable.

Getting Signs at the Right Time

So, I deactivated Facebook and unfriended my coworkers on social media earlier than expected - today, in fact.

Sometimes, it's tough when you transition into a new role to see the impact that it has on others, and to remember that not only do they have to adjust, you have to allow for your own adjustment time, too. It's been harder than I've been allowing myself to admit, and today, I finally was able to say that out loud to someone. My sign from the Universe finally came. I had also been doing this strange thing that allowed me to keep more distance from this transition, which was looking at it as my predecessor's old position instead of my new role. I think it has insulated me from the weight of what's about to happen to me and my relationship with every person I work with, because it's going to be painful (if I'm being truthful, it already is), and as a human, I tend to shy away from that.

Yeah, I'm totally at the "I'm still excited, but also I don't entirely like this" phase. It's not a great place, but better than where I was mentally because it's more real. Also, it does not help that I am in this weirdo gray area for what feels like too long (who am I kidding? Any amount of time is too long for my general tolerance level), just waiting for July. Practicing appropriate closure. Wrapping things up but also ramping things up on the other end. Ugh.

Also, on an unrelated note (or maybe not so unrelated even though I've been thinking about it for a while), I'm going back to therapy after taking about seven months off. It's time, and has been for a really long time.

I will weather this transition, as will those around me - I am entirely confident in this. It just won't be entirely smooth, and that's ok. It will be what it is, and while it's super hard sometimes, I just have to let it be that.

Allergy Medication Shenanigans

My allergies have been going haywire this year. Like, bad. Worse than they've ever been. So, when they get bad, like they do at this time every single year, I double down on the allergy meds, take multiple showers every day to flush out the allergens and the gross, and go about my days until I don't have to take meds anymore. Or, likely as not, I just stop taking them because I get sick of it and I hate taking meds. (Snort. This coming from the person who literally downs six pills before leaving the house every morning...but they're vitamins, so I feel like it's more justifiable!)

I've always taken Claritin. It has worked for me since I started taking allergy meds, and it has provided much relief over the years.

Also, my heart rate is historically high. This is relevant, I promise. The resting heart rate of an average person is between 70 and 90 beats per minute, and I range on the high end of that - like mid 80s. I always have. When I'm sick or have allergies, it ranges from 85-95. It doesn't feel like my heart is pounding out of my chest or anything, but it's high.

Right.

So, I started taking Claritin about two weeks ago, or four weeks into the elimination diet. See also: When I started reincorporating stuff.

Right. I started feeling worse IMMEDIATELY. But, because there was so much going on with my diet, I assumed it was what I was reincorporating. Also, my heart rate was high. Like, HIGH. Like, "checked it randomly and it was 120" kind of high. I couldn't figure it out, so I cut out eggs again. At that point, I was starting to feel resigned to eating this way permanently, because every effort I had made up to that point was a disaster. Could I really be intolerant to everything I cut out? It sucked pretty bad. Also, I continued to feel like shit.

Then one day (after I hadn't eaten eggs or peanuts for three days), it dawned on me: the only other change was in my allergy meds. I immediately stopped taking them and then all of a sudden, my average heart rate returned to normal and I felt better within a day or two. So, even though I've been suffering quite a bit, it was well worth it because I had at least a little more energy and felt much better overall. After I had been off of allergy meds for a couple of days, I reincorporated eggs again and it was fine. PHEW. I also reincorporated red meat at the same time, and that went fine too, and continues to. I actually have a pretty good energy level at this point, and I'm still feeling GREAT in spite of having murdery allergies.

Then, I talked to a coworker today who has celiac disease (and has been SUPER helpful in this diet change for me because she went through something remarkably similar to my experience), and she told me something alarming:

SHE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ALLERGY MEDS BECAUSE CLARITIN HAS GLUTEN IN IT.

GLUTEN.

IN MY EFFING ALLERGY MEDS.

UGH.

It explains EVERYTHING. The difficulty sleeping, the fatigue, the high heart rate, the foggy brain, the digestive issues, the perpetually sour stomach, the beginnings of vitamin malabsorption (just trust me on that one - you don't need to know how I can tell), just all of it. But, this same coworker told me that she takes Zyrtec with no problem, so I'm going to try that starting tomorrow and see if it helps.

So, I think it goes without saying that I'm probably not going to reincorporate gluten at this point. Next up is soy on Thursday, so we'll see how that goes. I'm REALLY digging how I'm feeling so far, and I'm hoping that the rest of the reincorporation goes smoothly. Five types of food to go! It's also worth warning that if I have a reaction to dairy, you may want to watch for any reported maimings in the news in either the area in which I work or the area in which I live. I would kick a baby for some coffee oreo ice cream right now. (Not really. But if the option presented itself, I'd consider it.) If given the choice between some dairy-based ice cream and having a week's vacation without having to take any of my earned time, I'd have to think about it and I would probably choose the ice cream. Giving up gluten for the long term will be no problem whatsoever for me. Dairy is OUT OF THE QUESTION. If I'm lactose intolerant, I'm just going to live with it.

Oh, this day is coming. I can feel it.

Nuts.

This whole reincorporation of food thing is...interesting.

Last night, I tried peanuts. I waited until Rob got home to try them because of my sordid recent history with them, (and I think it might be a good thing that I did). I've also adopted the the mindset that if I'm going to reincorporate something, I'm going to go big or go home. (Not such a great idea, I think, but I'm going with it anyway.) So I ate pad thai for the first time in a really long time. Like, almost-five-years-long time. You see, back in 2013, I had some allergy testing done and peanuts popped up on it. I've been avoiding them ever since, even forgoing Five Guys burgers because they're cooked in peanut oil. I never thought that this allergy was all that bad, because the worst it had gotten was that peanuts were a major migraine trigger. Back when I was doing the cardiometabolic diet, I decided to try eating Five Guys because I was feeling adventurous and hoping that my immune system was calming down a bit, and I did fine! Great, even! No reaction. So, even though I had some doubts, I was ready to incorporate peanuts again when the third day of having eggs had passed.

WHAT A TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY SHITTY IDEA.

It should be also noted that since starting the elimination diet, my allergies have been on OVERDRIVE. They're worse than they've ever been, and I've been bedridden twice in the past two weeks because of them. Stupid allergies. Some weird stuff has happened too, like my mouth going numb when I eat beets.

ANYWAY. I ate pad thai last night and savored EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT because I love pad thai. LOVE IT.

Then my mouth went numb.

Then my throat got a little scratchy.

Then I barely slept last night.

Then I woke up with a migraine against which I am currently fighting a losing battle, and my mouth is still a little scratchy. THANK GOODNESS I took a half-day today anyway because of other circumstances and can rest for a little while before I go up to facilitate a group at 7:00. I feel like I've been hit by an effing truck.

I'm fairly convinced that if I didn't have a double-whammy of allergy medications coursing through my veins because of this allergy bullshit, I would have had to go to the emergency room last night. The reaction that I had last night was WITH allergy medications. Plural.

So, yeah. Peanuts are a no, I'm fairly certain.

Sweet Relief.

"The summer is WAY slower," they said. "The summer will be so much easier and you'll have so much more time!"

Yeah, not my experience thus far in my career. In fact, the summer has been crazier than any other time of year, this spring being the exception. This spring has just been...I don't even know how to describe it, but I'm sure that any gray hair that I've gained has been due to the shenanigans of this spring.

I have also noticed that working on a publication makes everything more stressful. Through teaching and working, it has consistently been in the back of my mind. Sometimes in the front of my mind, though, because my mentor emails me every two weeks or so with patient admonition to set deadlines or get working. He's possibly the most patient person I know, because he's been cajoling me about it for literally over a year and I've been digging my heels in for what looks like absolutely no reason at this point. I kept waiting for things to calm down and then they never did.

What I have to do is accept the chaos. There is always going to be something going on. Things are always going to be hectic. Things are always going to be a mess. I'm always going to have a million case notes or quarterlies that are overdue or other things that demand my attention, professionally or personally. What that means is that I have to be patient with myself and crowbar it in when I can.

I legitimately thought about giving up the ghost on making an article from my thesis about six months ago. I just thought it was never going to happen, and I had accepted it and was ready to move on with my life. My mentor, as he is known to do with me, was a little stern and said, "Ryan, this research is groundbreaking. You HAVE TO do something with it. I'm not going to let you let it just sit there unpublished."

This felt remarkably similar to the "you have to have a more open mind about the population you want to treat" when he asked me if I wanted to do my internship with children and families and I said no. Like, he offered this spot for me, in the current organization and department in which I am working and about to become a supervisor, and I said no. And then about day two of my internship I realized that this was the population with which I wanted to work. Because of course that's how it happens.

Anyway, because these two situations felt so similar and the first conversation had such a good outcome, I have to trust that it's the right decision to move forward. My data will not stay current for a whole lot longer, and I'm at the prime time to get working on it.

So that's what is happening. I just submitted my intro and literature review sections, about which I have been ruminating since early March and wrote in about 5 cumulative hours. Next up is the Methods and Results section, which I can just copy and paste straight from my thesis.

Even though this is just a working copy, I feel like I want to throw up a
little bit every time I highlight or underline or write in it.

I'm SO RELIEVED about submitting these two sections because I had to rewrite them. Neither look at all like what my first two sections of my thesis look like. The reason for this is that I was told when I met with the editor of the publication in which I'm trying to publish (AND YEAH THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN AND I ALMOST BARFED ON THIS MAN'S SHOES I WAS SO EXCITED) that any references can't be more than five years old, or there has to be justification for using them. Like five, and that's being charitable, of the references in my thesis' lit review and introduction fit that criteria. So, shit. I had to find almost all new ones. But, I was able to get it together and get it submitted.

I learned two things from this experience:

1. I consistently stress about something to the point of paralysis, but when it gets right down to actually doing it, it takes me SO MUCH LESS time than I expect it to.

2. I need to be more patient with myself if I want to break this pattern. The key to that is going to be breaking these overwhelming parts into smaller bits.

THE SECOND I put that second point into practice, I was able to sit down and write. And write. And write. The other overwhelming thing that I was trying to overcome was the idea that my lit review in my thesis is like....60 pages? or so? Somewhere around there. It's at least a third of my entire thesis, which is 154 pages. As soon as I was able to get myself out of the frame of mind that I was just trying to condense my lit review down to an acceptable number of pages and that I would basically have to start from scratch, I was able to get to that second point, and not a moment before.

Anywho, I'm pretty damn stoked that I've gotten over the hump of actually sitting down and writing, and I'm really stoked to get going on the other sections. My goal is to submit by October, and the turnaround time for this particular journal is 3 months or so, so I'll know in early 2018 if I'll be published, if not sooner.

I've also gotten some loose ends tied up on the teaching end of things, and that's super relieving as well, because it means that I can finally get working on my syllabi. I was also driving home from work today and was really reflecting on how far I've come since I graduated undergrad, and it was almost comical. Seriously. What made me think about this? One of the courses I'm teaching has never been taught online, so I get to develop the course and teach it. I'm being paid extra (double, in fact) to develop the course for online implementation, and I laughed to myself HARD because I said to myself, "wow. I am being paid WAY OVERPAID to do this."

It got me thinking about when I worked in retail, and I was an interim manager for three months at this job. This particular company treated their employees like complete shit, and the people that worked there, myself included, were grateful for the opportunity at the time. I remember when I was offered this interim manager position, I was making pitifully little for the amount of work that I was putting into the job, and they offered me less than a thousand dollars spread over the course of three months for this temporary promotion. When they gave me a raise of $0.32 an hour, I thought it was perfectly fine, whereas the other people around me were like "UH, WHAT? THAT'S A SLAP IN THE FACE" when I told them. They were right. But, the thing is that I didn't believe I was worth more than that at the time. And that same place was where that "I'm being overpaid" feeling came from today when I got the emailed contract. While that was my automatic reaction, I was able to slap it back pretty quickly because the truth is that I am worth that much. My time is that valuable. Moreover, believing that my writing and my research is worthy of publication is where my writing process has to start.