The Miracle that is Prilosec

Friends, I've had a chronic cough since my teens, and on-and-off shortness of breath for almost as long. So, we're talking decades. A long time. I chalked it up to allergies, and so did my doctors without so much as a "let's see if this is something else" until I was 24 when I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad reaction to peanuts that landed me in the emergency room. It wasn't the throat-closing-omg-I'm-dying reaction - it was sharp pains in my stomach that were so bad I could barely even move enough to get myself to the emergency room. At that point, my PCP at the time ordered an Upper GI, which I did, and it indicated that I "might have some reflux", and nothing more was spoken of it other than "stay away from honey roasted peanuts."

Solid plan, doc.

I had my first colonoscopy a few weeks ago. They also wanted to do an endoscopy to "check for celiac" (spoiler alert: it was positive) because my blood tests a couple of years ago indicated that I had it. Through that endoscopy, they saw inflammation in my esophagus and my stomach. In other words: GERD. The doctor put me on Prilosec (and I promptly switched my gastrointestinal care over to her permanently since I'm going to have to go through this every 1-2 years and I loved her straightforwardness and the having of solid plans immediately that I can stick to. SHE IS AMAZING.).

Within three days, the cough that had plagued me for literally decades was gone. Just...vanished. Like, I didn't know what to do with all that time that was no longer spent coughing and clearing my throat. It was NOTICEABLE. People pointed it out, that kind of noticeable.

I haven't been so compliant with it over the past few days. Part of it was negligence, sure, but I was also curious about what would happen.

Shortness of breath and that cough returning full force is what effing happened. My esophagus is so inflamed that it's keeping me from drawing in a full breath.

I am floored. I took it this morning and the cough that kept me up half the night last night was gone within an hour. UNBELIEVABLE.

I also started seeing a dermatologist to finally get rid of this rosacea that has been plaguing me since, well, my 20s. (This is an ongoing pattern and why I make the sweeping generalization that doctors are human turds in coats.) 

I figure why not, since I'm getting a whole bunch of other medical stuff addressed, why not just go all the way and address it all, right? I reached the point where I'm finally tired of my medical needs not being met and I'm going to speak up for myself, and my goodness, it's working. FINALLY.

ANYWAY.

Again, I brought it up to my PCP at the time that it started happening, she threw me some face gel, and we never spoke of it again even when I tried to bring up that it wasn't working. I now have a special face wash, all of the face creams, and another one coming. My face is already starting to heal and it has only been four days.

Let me tell you, friends. I finally found a good PCP that actually listens. I didn't think that existed, but there she is.

I'm hoping that I'll have all of my medical stuff wrapped up and be on an even keel by June. I have my next thyroid appointment in March, as well as my first appointment with my new gastro, and then I am having the hysterectomy March 15. Even if I have to have thyroid surgery, it's going to be a cakewalk. I'm also choosing to look at the first half of 2021 as "that funny time where I visited doctors 1-3 times a week for a while" and let it be a Comical Thing that Happened on the road to being as healthy as I can be.

And let me tell you, as soon as I have this hysterectomy done, LOOK OUT WORLD. RYAN'S BECOMING AN ATHLETE. It's happening. It is decided.

Having Too Much Energy

This seems like a good problem to have, and it is, but I have too much energy.

It really started when I woke up the morning of my endocolonoscopy. I had little glimmers of it before that, and I think it was because I started taking Zoloft, but I'm not sure. It's not switching or anything, of that I'm sure, because I'm fully aware and in tune with what's happening. I'm sleeping like a rockstar (back to 9-10 hours a night for the first time in months!), while I'm more able to focus, I don't have any super goal-directed activity, and I'm not having any kinds of hallucinations or delusions, so I know it's not that I have some hidden bipolar disorder. I'm eating really well, and I just...feel awesome.

I think I've had low-grade depression for a really, really long time. I've kind of always been troubled by persistent negative thoughts - nothing major, just gloomy. A lot of people who don't know me well are always surprised to hear that, but the thing about it that I've learned both from my work and from my own personal experience is that people can become masterful at hiding that kind of thing. We don't know the thoughts other people have, so they're super easy to hide. When I'm having a tough day that gets harder to hide, but I've been able to keep it pretty well hidden since I was a teenager. Have there been some big bumps because of life happening? Yes. But, outside of that, I haven't really opened up about it to anyone but my therapist and my husband.

ANYWAY. I've tried some antidepressants in the past with no real change except for the side effects. Lexapro made me gain weight that took like six years to get back off, Effexor was just...no. So I gave up after that. Then my naturopath put me on Dopaboost, and my world started to change. All of these issues started to go away. Then a bunch of stuff happened, both good and bad, and I became less adherent to my supplements, and I took a BIG BIG dip recently, like within the last couple of months. So, I talked to my doctor when I went to my physical. There was a pretty clear line to chemical stuff happening in my brain.

I have also started eating better, which is not a small thing in the constellation of stuff I have going on right now. Do I hate that I have to take medications every day, now three (one for my thyroid, one for my stomach, and the Zoloft)? Yes. But, if it means that I am going to feel like this, I'm ok with it. I went from not being really able to do anything at all outside of work and teaching to feeling more motivated to get out of the house sometimes. I don't want to get out of the house all the time because pandemic, but I'm getting there, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time, if ever. But, if I decide to have a lazy weekend in which I don't leave the house or talk to anyone at all except for my husband and my dog, it feels more like a choice now, if that makes sense?

But, I'm doing things like keeping my house clean and doing laundry regularly and splitting up my workload into little bits so that it doesn't feel as overwhelming. What's funny is that no one ever talks about how depression and anxiety look a lot like ADHD because they affect our executive functioning in many similar ways, but it's true! I thought for a long time that that's what it was, but I'm finding that now that I'm clearer and my brain chemicals are doing what they're supposed to, it's easier for me to make a plan for myself in terms of life and work and teaching. Do a little bit here, a little bit there, and suddenly everything feels more manageable. I'm going to be having surgery sometime in the spring semester, I don't know when, and I went back and forth with myself about how I was going to handle it in terms of my classes. I literally couldn't figure it out. The answer was right in front of me, but I couldn't even come close to getting there. It was keeping me from being able to set up my classes and get them going, or to even finish the syllabi for the classes. The solution I came up with was so easy when I sat and actually gave myself a chance to think about it yesterday that I'm almost kicking myself. What's stopping me is that when I started to put together the syllabi for my classes, I was in a really overwhelmed state, and so there was no way that I was going to be able to think it through. (A side effect of the entire front of my brain just basically being like "Yup! I'm going on a vacation. See you in two months! Take it away, Fear Center!)

But for now, I'll just ride the wave and enjoy it, because I know it isn't going to last forever, so I may as well enjoy it while it's here and savor it - that's the whole point, right?

And also trying to get my dog to stop chewing the damn windowsills. And the curtains. And the couch. And my textbooks. And my crocheting. And also to stop barking at me whenever I don't immediately give her what she wants. Like my foot. Or my socks. Or the sleeves of my sweater.

Changing it Up

Food has always been my sore spot in terms of my own self-care. Whether it's my relationship with food that needs changing, or what I choose to put in my body, or whatever. The thing that keeps this a sore spot is time.

Even with the pandemic, I've been super busy at work. I always keep myself super busy because I like being busy, and also because the nature of being a mental health counselor is that if I'm not busy, I'm not helping. (I'm also not making money, but that's another point entirely.)

I got an endocolonoscopy last week. They found some stuff that they said wasn't concerning, but needed to be addressed before it did. The big thing they found was inflammation in my stomach and my esophagus. They put me on this medication that's been helping like gangbusters (I've had this chronic cough for...well, forever, and all of a sudden it's just GONE. It's weird.), and this constant feeling of my stomach being in flux is just...not present anymore. It's been there so long I didn't even know that it COULD go away. There was talk of potentially having GERD when I was in my early 20s after I had to have an upper GI, but I brought it up to my doctor and she seemed unconcerned, so I dropped it.

(Side note - I said this more than once to my new doctor at my latest physical about various medical stuff that has come and maybe gone, and I could see her shoulders drop every time I said it. As a result, she was like "We're addressing this NOW. No more dropping it." I like my new doctor A LOT.)

But, what the most bonkers part of the whole process was the prep. I approached it with some trepidation. I'd heard that the prep is the worst part, and that it would be a highly unpleasant experience. First, I had to stop taking my supplements a week before the procedure. No big deal. Then, three days before it, I had to stop eating all nuts, seeds, and beans. A little problematic because I eat a lot of chickpeas, but not a terrible change. Then, the day before, this past Sunday, I had to stop all solid food. I had to go on a fully clear liquid diet all of Sunday. Again, not terrible. Not pleasant, but also not terrible.

Then, starting Sunday night, I had to start drinking the Plenvu. It tasted terrible, it caused some Very Unpleasant Feelings in my gut, and then I'll spare the details about the rest. It took about five hours to really start working. I slept on the couch that night so that I wouldn't disturb Rob, and then got up at 4:30am to continue the prep. It meant taking the double dose of the Plenvu, which started working in about an hour.

But let me tell you. In spite of the unpleasantness that led up to it and while I was taking it and waiting for it to work, once I was done with the prep, I felt GREAT. I literally could have gone and done major exercise in the morning on Monday if my wrist wasn't still healing. I felt light, I felt...just amazing. I practically bounced into the hospital on Monday morning, ready to have my procedure. I continued to feel amazing after I woke up, and still continue to feel pretty freaking great. I was pleasant to deal with, I felt clearheaded, and it was just different than I was expecting. I don't know what kind of magic happened between the beginning of my prep and the end of the procedure, but it has really made me want to continue feeling good.

I'd started back on the smoothie train a couple of weeks ago at the advice of my doctor, who said that I needed to beef up my breakfasts. We got a new blender and retired our 10-year-old Ninja, and our new one has a way to blend smoothies in their own cups rather than the big container, so it was a big win all around. Still, I resist making smoothies. They take too much time (they actually don't at all), they're expensive (they're not - a full bag of frozen fruit lasts me a week), the add-ins are a pain in the ass (a fistful of spinach - bam, done), I can't find a good protein powder (unflavored pea protein - bam, done), there are some fruits that I should stay away from because they were flagged as intolerances (just blueberries, and I have blueberry syrup in my coffee with no reaction) and they're in every mix I can find, wah wah wah.  I just had all of the excuses. 

Then I found Splendid Spoon. They were some random facebook ad that just popped up. I'm not a fan of food delivery services at all, but this company is right up my alley. They had exactly what I wanted - quick breakfasts and lunches - and they are gluten-free and plant-based. I have to be careful with some stuff, but there are only like two meals in their entire menu that I can't eat. It gives me my smoothie fix in the morning and has ready-made lunches, both meals that I struggle with because I often only have about 10 minutes to scarf something between sessions and that's my breakfast or lunch. It's a little pricey so I probably won't keep it up forever, but the ingredients give me ideas for smoothies that I can easily make myself. And, the lunches look so easy that I could meal prep them and be done for the week.

I got my first shipment yesterday and have to limit the number of smoothies I drink. I almost drank two yesterday, but I want to save them for when I'll actually need them. They're so good that I can't even. And who thought that cacao would be good to put in a smoothie?! Whoever it was, give them a prize, because the raspberry cacao smoothie that I had yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. The mint chip smoothie that I had today was more of the same.

I was due for a re-focusing of my diet, and I'm so glad that I gave myself the opportunity for one. Also, first medical procedure down, only one more to go (or potentially two - I find out in March). I go back for another colonoscopy in a year, but I'm not too upset about this idea, given how this one went.

The Miracle of the Right Medications

Friends, something just...switched on about a week and a half ago for me.

I think part of it was that my thyroid was finally like "oh hey, these meds are here to help me, and so I should stop making Ryan feel like shit all the time."

I also think the other part was the Zoloft.

I had a physical about a week and a half ago and told my doctor that I needed a more long-term solution for my anxiety than Ativan. Granted, it helped like gangbusters when I needed it, but I don't want to need Ativan. So, she put me on Zoloft.

I know it's just the placebo effect at this point. It takes 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to fully kick in, but let me tell you. In the past week and a half, I've been more productive because I've been less overwhelmed, I've felt MILES better in terms of my mental health, and I feel like things are just...manageable at this point. Even if it is just the placebo effect, I'll take it. I'm not feeling any side effects (which I think is both telling and awesome), and I just feel good!

I thought about the idea of medications when I was back in college. I had been to therapy in college and while it was helpful, I wasn't quite where I wanted or needed to be. I tried meds on and off for a couple of years after college but because I didn't find a good fit (Effexor was a disaster and I would be sick for days with even one glass of wine because Effexor and alcohol don't play nice and my doctor was like "well then just stop drinking that one drink you have every few months - what's the big deal?" - Uh, I shouldn't be that sick is what the big deal is, DOC.), I just gave up the ghost and went back to trying to manage it on my own.

Friends, don't do that. Mental health medications are tricky and for sure not an exact science, but find a good one. Take the time. Be patient. the right medication or combination is out there. If you're experiencing unwanted side effects that don't feel tolerable, speak up and advocate for yourself. If I had done that a few years ago when I was doing the lexapro/effexor/screw-it-then-I'll-try-nothing-and-see-how-that-goes-because-my-doctor-is-terrible dance instead of giving up, I wouldn't be giving myself the kick in the pants that I'm currently giving myself. What I really should have done at that time was get a new doctor instead of giving up on meds, because the more I experience good ones, the more I realize how much she SUCKED. I get mad just thinking about it and then also thankful because my doctor now is so so so good.

Also, I go in for my endocolonoscopy on Monday, so that will be all kinds of weird. Luckily after this point it's only going to be colonoscopies every couple of years (leaving out the endoscopy part), so that's relieving. I'm SUPER DUPER not looking forward to the prep, which has actually already started because as of today I have to cut out all nuts, seeds, and beans. The prep doesn't start in earnest until Sunday afternoon, at which point I predict that I'm going to...be a less than pleasant person to be around for a little while. I'll just be glad to get this first one out of the way so that I know what to expect in the future and I can feel more prepared for it than I do right now. Then after I finish work today, I go and get the rest of the food that I can eat this weekend - jello, broth, and just...clear liquids. All of the clear liquids. I can have a fairly normal diet tomorrow (within reason), so it's really about buying GF pasta and figuring out what I can eat.

Super good times!

I was Due for Something Bonkers.

I am on vacation.

I don't know if it's the break of it all and everything finally all coming to a head and needing some kind of a release, but it probably wasn't that.

It could have been that I tried to see over 20 clients in 3 days. I only had like three cancellations, and then I had people who I couldn't get in at first, but was able to fit them into said cancellations. The last three days have been...we'll say busy because it sounds nicer than "a total chaotic shitshow" at work.

It could be the stress of all of the medical stuff (the thyroid extended biopsy came back benign, so I had much relief-crying to do after that) or the impending medical procedures I'm going to be having over the next six months, starting with an endocolonoscopy in 4 weeks. Maybe it was my way of exerting some kind of control over what's happening to me medically.

It could just be that the last time I took a break it was because my dog died. I really needed a break at that point, but it got eaten by grieving. (I'm also not entirely sure that this break won't be eaten up by the same grief but more manageable, but I'm hopeful that it will be better.)

It could also be pandemic fatigue and having to have Christmas over FaceTime with both of my parents instead of just one because of COVID and feeling really sad about it. Or it could just be this COVID bullshit in general.

It really could be any number of things.

My point is this: Before I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I feel the need to preface with the fact that I've got a lot going on. A lot. Also there's some Stuff that I'm Still Not Ready To Put Out There Because I Have To Get Some Ducks In A Row First But Trust That It's Taking Up All Of My Free Time.

I feel that I also need to preface what I'm about to tell you with the fact that back in August, I got a Very Bad Haircut. The person had not the first clue how to cut curly hair, and she gave me choppy layers. Were my hair straight, these layers probably would have looked great. But they didn't at all. Also, I have a hair appointment today that I frantically made at 6am today to fix what I've done. You see where I'm going with this.

I never, to my knowledge, went through a phase when I was a small child where I cut my own hair. Maybe it was 6-year-old curious Ryan coming out. I could say that I was having some weird Freudian Regressive Temper Tantrum in response to the stress I've been under over the past 6 weeks, but really, I'm 90% sure that with my hair, I just Hit My Limit.

Generally, when I've hit my limit when it comes to my hair, I am patient. I either ride it out and know that this too shall pass, or I make a hair appointment. I had no such patience yesterday. I took one look at my hair, took my damn scissors and I chopped 4 inches off of my hair. I cut off that whole bottom layer. It was dead and gross and I just...couldn't take it for one more second. My biggest mistake, however, was in keeping my hair in a ponytail while I did it. Because then I undid it and had to cut off two more inches.

I laugh at myself for doing that, because it's just about the most impulsive thing I've ever done, ever. I try not to be super impulsive, but as we all know, it's hard to plan being impulsive. There was definitely a build-up, but I could have made a different choice and I didn't. I just went for it.

I suppose there are a couple of lessons here - the first being that I need to take better care of my hair and speak up when I've been given a disastrous haircut. And, that being super impulsive like this doesn't really serve me so great. That's not a lesson that I need to learn, necessarily, but it definitely is something I need to remember. I suppose this is not the worst way for my impulsiveness to show itself - it could have been much more destructive, but when I get that urge to do something impulsive, it would likely be more helpful to tune into it than act on it. I usually do - but I don't know what came over me this time.

Anyway, time for my well-deserved chiding from a hairdresser, which I'm also used to because I don't get my hair cut enough and I don't go in unless my hair is in terrible shape. Because I don't and have never had a regular hairdresser in my adult life (save for my first two years of college), any hairdresser that I go to gives me the reality of my hair unvarnished because they know that I'll never see them again anyway. There's something freeing about it for both of us, and maybe that's why I don't have one. However, in times like this, I kind of wish I did have a regular hairdresser, because I could have called them before I got to this point with my hair and they would have been able to get me in before I cut six inches off of it myself.

Or maybe I need to take my Professional Overthinker Hat off for about five seconds and just laugh at myself because it's ridiculous and that's the reaction that's warranted here and not make anything of it. I'm not, necessarily - it's pretty hilarious and my hair is a total and complete trainwreck - but it's unclear to me why I reached that point without doing anything about it first. I think once I can figure that out, I'll be able to laugh at it for the truly ridiculous act that it was.

But, one could argue that I was due. Not just for a haircut, but for a time to just let loose and do something ridiculous. Maybe this was just what I needed. Snort.

Sweet, Miraculous Ativan

“I had a hunch you’d call after we got the test results from your thyroid biopsy,” said my doctor. 

I never thought my anxiety would get to the point where I’d be panic-sobbing at my doctor’s office because it became so unmanageable that I wasn’t sleeping and I was barely eating, yet there I was.

I’ve had panic attacks before. I know what they feel like. I’ve been able to get through them without meds, understand them for what they were, and ride them out. It’s only happened once or twice, and there was usually a medical trigger.

Then Miles died. Then two days later I had a thyroid biopsy. Then the following Monday (this past week) I got the call from my doctor: Indeterminate. This means that the extra samples that she took during the biopsy get sent to a lab for further testing and there are only two possible results: benign or suspicious. If it’s benign, monitor the nodules every six months. If it’s suspicious, my thyroid is coming out and they’re doing pathology on it and hopefully (and pretty likely - the rate of metastatic thyroid cancer is less than 5% if the cancer originated from nodules - if you think I haven't been researching obsessively since she called with the initial test results, you are sorely mistaken) there will be no further steps from there. I’ll know around Christmas what the next steps are.

I’m seriously considering having it taken out anyway so that I never have to go through this again, ever. It’s an option that is available to me since I have thyroid nodules, and I think that discussion may be worth having. When she and I meet in 3 months, we are absolutely having that conversation if it doesn’t come up before that.

Then a couple of days later, I met with my Lynch person and waited in the most depressing place ever (let me tell you, an oncology office is just...I can’t find the words for the sadness there. The receptionists were overly cheery, I think to try to overcompensate for the general feeling of malaise - and the look that people give you when you look young and walk into an oncology office made me want to scream that I don’t have cancer, I don't think, and even if I do it's not reproductive cancer so STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK PLEASE) to sit with her and have her tell me that the only reasonable treatment for Lynch is to have a full hysterectomy. She went over some alternatives, all of which were painful, invasive, would mean that I’d have to be put under, and would have to happen once a year, and recommended none of them except the hysterectomy. I told her about my thyroid issue and that I have to triage. She totally understood and remarked that that’s a lot of medical stuff to throw at a person all at once. She wasn’t quite prepared, I think, when I started crying.

Luckily I could anticipate this tipping point coming and was already scheduled with my doctor for 7am the next day!

“We really opened a can of worms here, but it was worth opening. If you’re going to have any kind of cancer, thyroid’s the one you want. It’s treatable by surgery, and the recovery and long-term remission rate is 99%," said my doctor. I'm not sure if she intended it to be, but I found it both reassuring and not. I expected "It's probably not cancer", but that's not what I got, and it took me a little time to process that. She also said that in order to stop the panic cycle, we have to reset my sleep schedule. I went drastically from 9-10 hours a night to about 4. I also went from eating two meals a day and some snacks to having to practically force one meal a day down my throat. She gave me a prescription for Ativan.

I was...not entirely wild about this idea. “Ativan is addictive!” I told myself. “Is my anxiety really that bad?” I asked myself as it sat on the shelf in my kitchen (which is a super fun game that people with anxiety play - they catastrophize and then when it gets really bad, they invalidate, lather, rinse, repeat.). If I was going to take it, I was going to wait until the weekend so that I wasn’t a total mess during the week more than I already was. Then Friday night came and I figured, what could it hurt? So I took a half a pill.

From a week and a half of struggling to sleep and getting an average of four or less hours a night (less than that even when I found out the biopsy results), I was out in minutes. I’m not sure if I was asleep or comatose, and I woke up sore because I didn’t move all night. I woke up refreshed in the morning and was productive! I was also awake pretty late, which was strange. I also found my appetite, which was both a blessing and a curse because Doritos. But, I was able to be present, I wasn’t anxious about anything, and I just...was able to get out of my own way for the first time in a while. I got stuff done around my house, I was able to focus, I hardly used my phone at all (it's my go-to coping mechanism when I'm feeling super anxious), and I definitely felt a difference.

I’m having such a strongly positive reaction to these meds that I find myself low-key wondering: have I been in a perpetual state of some kind of panic for a long time and it has just gone unacknowledged?

All signs point to yes. But, that's Later Ryan's problem. The most important part is that now that I have one week of waiting down, I feel like I can manage doing this two or three more times without unabashedly losing my shit, and that ain’t nothing.

Sweet, Sweet Relief.

I love teaching. I absolutely love it.

I also love closing the book on a good semester where all of the students are SUPER engaged and ready to learn and grow, and I get to bear witness to all of it. I just love it. It helps that I'm teaching at the graduate level because that's what happens every semester, and so I feel SO lucky to be doing what I'm doing.

I just closed the book on the fall semester (which is KIND OF an effing miracle with everything I have going on) and I'm off for the next seven weeks or so. Does that come with challenges? Yes. Do I also really need the break? YES. Because of COVID, my teaching schedule has been nothing short of frenzied since January. Breaks are a wonderful thing, and I've been ready for one since about August without the opportunity to get one. Now that it's here, I'm kind of in disbelief that I won't be teaching for seven weeks, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Of course, I know what I WILL be doing with myself.

I'll be going to doctor's appointments, having an endocolonoscopy, and possibly having a surgery (but hopefully not - I'll know more around Christmas). I have a lot going on that I'm not super ready to talk about yet, but after my second Lynch appointment today, I have more answers, and I'm feeling really good about this part of the plan going forward. There's more still to be figured out with other things, but I'll freak out for about four weeks and then I'll have more answers.

I've also decided that it's time. I've contacted my doctor and I have an appointment at 7am tomorrow to talk about getting back on anti-anxiety meds. I've tried to function for a long time without them and done fairly well with it, but with all of this health stuff that has come at me like a tsunami lately and some major changes that I'm going to be making in my life, I need some support. I'm going back to therapy too, but I know in my guts that it's not going to be enough. I feel pretty relieved about it, if I'm telling the truth, because I'm finally giving myself the support that I need and not trying to tough it out. Trying to tough out anxiety is like trying to tough out a sinus infection - it's really painful and annoying, and it will go away with time, but it would take a lot less if I just went on a damn antibiotic and got rid of it. I'm just...ready to feel better. It doesn't have to be perfect, just better.

I also know that my new doctor is a good one because I tried to make an appointment for tomorrow and she was like "I'm fully booked but willing to come in at 7 to see you." While 7 isn't my ideal time for an appointment, that she'd be willing to do that for me is pretty remarkable. She also can handle Real Talk about mental health stuff, of that I'm sure, so I'm going to just make the active choice to lay it out there and see where it goes. I know what I need, and I feel like she trusts that I know what I need, and so I'm hoping she'll meet me there.

But for now, I go crochet and toast with seltzer to the close of another successful semester and get ready to tuck into wintertime.

And probably decorate the Christmas tree. We bought it over the weekend and it's just sitting undecorated in our living room, making it nice and fragrant in here. Thank goodness the only thing our puppy is doing to it is sniffing it and drinking the water. We'll see how she does with ornaments and presents underneath it. (I actually kind of can't wait because I know it will be adorable even if it's a huge pain, and I have a hunch that I'll be re-wrapping some presents, but that's ok!)