Sweet, Sweet Relief.

I love teaching. I absolutely love it.

I also love closing the book on a good semester where all of the students are SUPER engaged and ready to learn and grow, and I get to bear witness to all of it. I just love it. It helps that I'm teaching at the graduate level because that's what happens every semester, and so I feel SO lucky to be doing what I'm doing.

I just closed the book on the fall semester (which is KIND OF an effing miracle with everything I have going on) and I'm off for the next seven weeks or so. Does that come with challenges? Yes. Do I also really need the break? YES. Because of COVID, my teaching schedule has been nothing short of frenzied since January. Breaks are a wonderful thing, and I've been ready for one since about August without the opportunity to get one. Now that it's here, I'm kind of in disbelief that I won't be teaching for seven weeks, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Of course, I know what I WILL be doing with myself.

I'll be going to doctor's appointments, having an endocolonoscopy, and possibly having a surgery (but hopefully not - I'll know more around Christmas). I have a lot going on that I'm not super ready to talk about yet, but after my second Lynch appointment today, I have more answers, and I'm feeling really good about this part of the plan going forward. There's more still to be figured out with other things, but I'll freak out for about four weeks and then I'll have more answers.

I've also decided that it's time. I've contacted my doctor and I have an appointment at 7am tomorrow to talk about getting back on anti-anxiety meds. I've tried to function for a long time without them and done fairly well with it, but with all of this health stuff that has come at me like a tsunami lately and some major changes that I'm going to be making in my life, I need some support. I'm going back to therapy too, but I know in my guts that it's not going to be enough. I feel pretty relieved about it, if I'm telling the truth, because I'm finally giving myself the support that I need and not trying to tough it out. Trying to tough out anxiety is like trying to tough out a sinus infection - it's really painful and annoying, and it will go away with time, but it would take a lot less if I just went on a damn antibiotic and got rid of it. I'm just...ready to feel better. It doesn't have to be perfect, just better.

I also know that my new doctor is a good one because I tried to make an appointment for tomorrow and she was like "I'm fully booked but willing to come in at 7 to see you." While 7 isn't my ideal time for an appointment, that she'd be willing to do that for me is pretty remarkable. She also can handle Real Talk about mental health stuff, of that I'm sure, so I'm going to just make the active choice to lay it out there and see where it goes. I know what I need, and I feel like she trusts that I know what I need, and so I'm hoping she'll meet me there.

But for now, I go crochet and toast with seltzer to the close of another successful semester and get ready to tuck into wintertime.

And probably decorate the Christmas tree. We bought it over the weekend and it's just sitting undecorated in our living room, making it nice and fragrant in here. Thank goodness the only thing our puppy is doing to it is sniffing it and drinking the water. We'll see how she does with ornaments and presents underneath it. (I actually kind of can't wait because I know it will be adorable even if it's a huge pain, and I have a hunch that I'll be re-wrapping some presents, but that's ok!)