Positive Reinforcement

As anyone with a behavioral background knows, punishment does not predictably deter unwanted behavior.

You know what predictably ensures that positive behavior will continue? Positive reinforcement.

I went for my monthly naturopath appointment today and she gave me more praise than I was expecting. Things are better! I have to get blood drawn in about three weeks to see how my counts are doing, but the reaction she had to me being down 20 pounds, as well as all of the other stuff that I reported to her, really helped me to be more motivated and feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

It also helped me feel better about the changes I was making and the news didn't sting so bad when she told me that I had to still be on the candibactin for another month.

I'm at the point where she thinks I'm ready to reincorporate cane sugar. I'm to have a hot beverage with one teaspoon of sugar in it twice a day for the next two days, and then take it back out again for three days and see what happens. The purpose, the whole purpose of doing this is so that I don't have to be paranoid if I'm not eating at home. I can have some barbecue sauce on my chicken without feeling anxious about it.

A tall order at this point, the anxiety I mean, but we'll see what happens. To say I've been sticking to my diet with a hypervigilance I haven't seen in a while would be an understatement. I think that it's less about doctor's orders at this point and more about the consequences of eating what I can't and how unpleasant that actually is, and also wanting to maintain my progress. To be sure, I've done a fair amount of internal grumbling when I can't eat that potato salad because it has mayonnaise in it and I can't have that yogurt or it turns out that I shouldn't have eaten those gluten-free chicken nuggets the other day because cane sugar was the last ingredient in them. To say I've gotten pissy about it would be charitable.

But I'm slowly making my way. I discovered vegenaise, which it turns out I actually like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I also got this machine that makes bananas into ice cream, and with a little bit of a sunbutter swirl, will probably be very doable as the summer comes. This diet does not fall into the category of Things I Cannot Do, it's just a matter of getting used to it. I know people who have been vegan for years (to the point where they forget what cheese tastes like - WHO FORGETS THE TASTE OF CHEESE?) or had very similar dietary restrictions and they went through the same thing starting out. They all say that it gets easier, and I can't help but believe them. I have to have hope about this or I will never be able to accomplish it.

But the best part? I continue to feel great. I know my counts will be better at my next blood draw because I can feel it. So for now, I just keep on plugging sans eggs, dairy, and gluten.

Reincorporation sucks, y’all.

I’ve continued on the road through reincorporation, even though I’ve fully accepted at this point that this is how I’m probably going to have to eat for a long, long time and the whole process has felt pretty pointless because of that. However, because I have forced myself to continue through this journey, I’ve discovered a couple of pretty important things:

1. I think dairy is a migraine trigger, and

2. If I’m going to have a reaction to something, the most obvious sign is sleeplessness, particularly as whatever I’m having a reaction to makes its way out of my system.

(The sleeplessness could also be due to stress, which has been pretty high as of late, but I’m due for a big dip over the long term in about six months, give or take, if I play my cards right. Blog post for another time. In about a month, I’m also taking two full weeks off from work. Not trainings or conferences, though there is a short one in there; vacation. I’m so excited I could practically jump out of my own skin.)

Here I am at 12:50, wide awake. I’m on day one of the “cut whatever you were stuffing your face with back out of your diet” part of reincorporating feta, and it’s not going so great. Feta is going to be a no, just like eggs and cheddar cheese, but this has happened every.single.time I’ve had a reaction to something. I’ll have gross intestinal stuff happen for a day or two, I’ll probably get a migraine, and then I won’t be able to sleep, all over the course of two to three days, and then I’ll be back to normal. Whatever the fresh hell that means lately.

The thing that I’m grateful for, though, is that the sleeplessness usually comes at the end of the reaction, so I know I’ll probably feel better tomorrow.

What does that do for my ability to sleep right now? Literally nothing. But, I will go back to my awesome naturopath next week loaded with information, and that ain’t nothing.

Sigh. Eff you too, cheese.

Awesome Doctor told me that as I reincorporate, I might get delayed reactions. I didn’t really take her seriously because if I’ve ever had a reaction, it has been quick.

Until I tried reincorporating cheese this time around.

The first day, I felt great. I was STOKED. So I continued to stuff my face with shredded cheddar, specifically. (I’m trying them all. It both prolongs the process of cutting out cheese and allows me to figure out what kinds I might be intolerant to.)

Then day two happened. I woke up this morning feeling a little wonky. Then I felt wonkier throughout the day. Allergies have returned, I have a headache, and I’m having all kinds of weird stomach pains.

Womp womp.

So, for anyone keeping count:

No eggs.

No cheddar.

No gluten, including gluten-free oats.

No sesame seeds.

I actually had thoughts of stopping the reincorporation altogether because it’s clear what’s happening - there were no false positives on this test, and I’m not super interested in continuing this game of chicken and risk feeling like shit several days in a row just to see what I can reincorporate because that answer is becoming clearer and clearer - nothing.

Also, I’m grumpy apparently.

If I can’t ever have butter again, I’m going to rain down hellfire.

HELL.

FIRE.

This is probably more accurate.

I see you, eggs.

Reincorporation started on Wednesday. Like last time, I reincorporated eggs first. Reincorporation is different this time because instead of eating one serving of whatever's coming back in at a time and checking for a reaction, I am to stuff my face with that food for two days and really try to elicit a reaction. I’m basically playing chicken with my immune system, which isn't in itself great, but it's better than just stuffing my face with all of these foods all the time and constantly having a reaction without realizing that's what's happening.

It’s harder than last time because I’m not sure I can stuff my face with anything at this point, but here I go. (Literally. I eat about half of what I used to in a single sitting. A single, normal-sized apple? Totally satisfying. I love apples the size of my head, but I can't eat that much food anymore in one sitting. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.) I also have to log my reactions - according to my doctor, if anything changes in how I feel, I have to track it. If my symptoms increase, I am to cut it out until I stop having a reaction (which can take up to a week) and then stuff my face with another currently banned food, and the foods that I have a reaction to stay on the banned list permanently.

My body's reaction when I started to reincorporate eggs:

I felt like total shit the entire two days that I was reincorporating, and the candibactin protocol was even less tolerable than it already is. I had a reaction the first day, and I was all, "NOPE. I AM FORGING AHEAD FOR THE FULL TWO DAYS." It was difficult. It appears that my relationship with eggs is no more, friends. It'll take me a couple of days to recover, then I'm going to try mushrooms.

Womp womp.

Moreover, I found out that I have very mild celiac. BUT NOT (entirely) BECAUSE OF GLUTEN. Because of gliadin, which is basically found in everything that has gluten. I was like one number under the Holy Line of Demarcation for gluten, though, so it’s on the banned list. Also, I can't effing eat oatmeal anymore because of this - not even the gluten-free kind, because all oats have gliadin in them, even the ones that are gluten-free. WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK.

Also, I had a full neuropsychological battery on Wednesday. It was four hours long and pretty freaking exhausting.

Wednesday was a pretty intense day, y’all!

What came out of it is BIG executive functioning trubs. This makes a lot of sense in my personal life, but the question I can’t seem to get out of my mind is this: why isn’t it an issue at work? I can plan, I notice a lot, I’m not as rigid at all because I can't be rigid and do my job at the same time - it's not possible. I mean, I struggle if things are really noisy around me or if I get interrupted constantly, but who doesn’t? On paper at work, I have FANTASTIC executive functioning. But when I leave, my car is littered with Tupperware that I don’t bring in, my house is a mess and I can’t seem to keep on top of, and my schoolwork is a struggle because of that. All signs point to it.

I get the full feedback in mid-June. Until then, I wait.

In better news, I stopped taking my allergy meds because I wasn't noticing a difference anymore. Still no difference. So, my allergies are going away and that's fantastic, because the last time I went through something like this, my allergies nearly knocked me over and left me bedridden every single day and there was nothing I could do about it. It's also my most difficult season right now, and still nothing. I'm pretty freaking stoked about it.

Let Me Be a Cautionary Tale.

TAKE.CARE.OF.YOUR.GUT. If you feel gross, don't just start taking a probiotic. Go to your doctor. Get tested for gut-related things. Get it fixed when you're starting to have a problem - don't just ignore it and know that you'll die of something eventually and then it won't be a problem anymore. (Yes, that was legitimately my mindset for a bit there. Dark? Yes. Accurate? Also yes.)

Over the past two weeks, I have drastically changed my diet to cut out eggs, gluten, cane sugar, almonds, blueberries, mushrooms, sesame seeds (that's right, no hummus) and dairy because I found out I was intolerant to all of these things. (This on top of not being able to eat soy because the phytoestrogens will mess with my already dysfunctional thyroid. Yeah. I can basically eat lettuce.)

It has been incredibly difficult, but that's not the most difficult part of this whole thing.

The most difficult part is the gut protocol. It's called Candibactin (there's an AR and a BR, and I have to take them both twice a day). What it does is it goes through your gut and promotes the die-off process of bad bacteria and bad fungus that might be in your gut (I'm looking at you, leftover C.Diff, which is apparently a thing that can happen that was a special surprise, and also Candida). Combined with the diet, it also promotes the growth of healthy bacteria so that your gut can heal, especially when you take it with a probiotic (which I am. The fancy kind that needs to be refrigerated, even.)

It should also be noted that I recently got tested for celiac. I will know the results in a couple of weeks, and I think it is going to turn out positive for a couple of reasons. More on that in a minute.

When I tell you that the Candibactin protocol has turned my whole gut upside down (metaphorically, but certainly feels like literally most of the time), I'm not kidding around. The only comparison that I have is when I was going through C.Diff treatment, but not quite as bad as that. There are all kinds of weird side effects, and I'm not even at the full dosage for another week. My body is in full on revolt mode, and it is...we'll say less than pleasant. On top of that, in order to help facilitate the detoxification process, I have to drink three liters of water a day. Not a typo.

When my doctor gave me the laundry list of side effects of the die-off process, I got a little nervous. But then she said that I could take activated charcoal (which, spoiler alert and TMI: It turns your shit black) and it should alleviate most of the side effects.

It doesn't. I have taken it every day this week and nothing has been happening to help -whatsoever-.

Why am I telling you this?

Because if you eat like shit, this or something similar might be your fate. If I had just kept taking care of my gut after I did the elimination diet and been more mindful of the reactions that I know I was having to eggs and other things as I reincorporated, I wouldn't be having this problem right now. Or maybe I would, but maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad, and I wasn't, overall, what I would consider a terrible eater before this. I ate breakfast every day, I had salads every day for lunch, I had sensible dinners during the week, so even if I did eat things like grilled cheese stuffed with macaroni and cheese on the weekends, I wasn't, like, overly terrible 100% of the time. I actually was not eating that far off of when I did Weight Watchers that time and lost 55 pounds. Legitimately! Except for the candy.

I miss sweet things.

Have I also mentioned that I haven't had anything sweet in two weeks? Not even honey in my tea. I've been really strict.

Now, on to the good part.

I feel like I could lift a truck with all of the energy that I have. I feel amazing. Not only that, but I can focus better. I have better follow-through on things that I start, and I no longer lose steam at any point of the day. I wake up in the morning refreshed because I'm sleeping better. I have acid reflux, and in the two weeks that I've been doing this, it has nearly disappeared. I expect it to be fully gone within the next week or two.

I have also lost eight pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but in two weeks, it's quite a bit. If I wasn't so bloated from the Candibactin, I'm sure my pants would fit better than they already do.

But the biggest thing (and I think this is both because I'm not eating dairy and going through the gut protocol)? I have been taking Singulair for about 3 years to help with my allergies. I say this with no hyperbole: Sometimes this medication, along with my over the counter allergy meds and taking multiple showers a day is what has kept me upright and able to function in this world because my allergies get so bad. I'm not a candidate for allergy shots because mold changes so frequently that I'd have to get them a lot, so I've had to figure out a way to manage, which was Zyrtec and Singulair together every day.

I stopped taking Singulair about a week ago and haven't needed it. I'm not going to stop my other allergy medication just yet, but once we're through walnut season and the ground dries out so there isn't mold everywhere, I'm going to try that too. I'm thinking maybe mid-June I'm going to give it a whirl.

To say that I'm feeling better is an understatement, and I also understand that this is a long process and I have to have patience. But, if I'm seeing this remarkable of a difference already, I'm pretty hopeful.

I'm also taking an iron supplement for the first time in my life (though I have a hunch I've needed it for a long time). Given the number of vitamins I was low on when I had my first batch of blood tests done, my doctor was like "um, I think you have Celiac. This level of vitamin malabsorption, unless you live inside a windowless house and don't eat anything but cheeseburgers, is not normal." So! We'll see how that comes out.

I'm actually excited about my health. I'm learning lots of new things all the time, and doing tons of research on what I need to do to keep up this momentum. I've also called my doctor a few times to ask questions, and I'm just getting a lot of good information, and the changes that I'm making are actually doable, which also feels nice.

The big thing that I'm working on, though, is not doing so much all the time. We're reaching the end of the semester, stress levels are high, and I'm ready for a summer slow-down. I'm not sure if I'll get one, but I'm ready for it. There are ways in which I will force it, though, and they're things that are totally doable, so that's nice too.

Slowly but surely, I'm figuring it out. In the meantime, I'll continue to be careful and adjust.

I’m just intolerant.

Setting: my new doctor’s office this afternoon, Looking at some blood tests that show all of my food sensitivities. (Spoiler Alert: There were a lot.)

Me: so, like. This could just be showing foods I’ve eaten in abundance before this test, right? I mean, look how high that can sugar one is. And also all of that dairy.

Awesome New Doctor: yeah, no. These are foods you’re probably sensitive to.

Me: but I ate a shit ton of gluten before this test. Look how high those numbers are.

AND: yeah, no. That’s not even a little bit what that means.

Me: ALSO MUSHROOMS AND WHAT THE HECK BECAUSE I LOVE THEM AND NOW I CANT EAT THEM AND WHAT THE FUCK.

AND: I’m guessing you have a fungal thing and that’s why mushrooms came up. (Quickly starting to fumble because I’m becoming more dysregulates than she might have been anticipating) and! You only have to do this for 30 days. After that we’re going to reincorporate very intentionally and slowly.

Me: THAT IS MORE THAN 30 DAYS WITHOUT EGGS CHEESE SUGAR GLUTEN AND MUSHROOMS. CANNOT OVEREMPHASIZETHE MUSHROOM   OF IT ALL DR OTTO.

AND: I know. But if you did the elimination diet, this will not be that bad and there’s a slight chance that some of these changes will not be necessaryin the longer term once your gut is where it needs to be. You’ve just got to be a gluten free vegan for a little while.

Pardon me while I go stuff my face for the next four days because I can’t start it until I’m off of antibiotics which is Monday.

Then I’ll just be crying for cheese for a full month but probably permanently.

Finding Words for the Feeling.

I have a hard job.

Like, really hard.

I joke about it sometimes to not give it so much weight. The difficulty, that is. When people ask me what I do for work, I jokingly tell them that I hear horrific things for a living (even though that's exactly what I do, whether it be from my clients or my supervisees. Vicarious trauma is a thing, y'all.). The more I do this work, the truer that becomes. There are times in this job where I've found it harder and harder to separate myself from the work that I do, and that's because who I am is part of the work that I do, to be sure, but also because sometimes I'm confronted with feelings in myself that I can't put a label on. For all of the work that I do in helping people to even identify their basic feelings (which is harder than it looks), there are times that I struggle with this significantly myself.

I have been sick this week. Because of that, my capacity to deal with all things is lowered. Also because my capacity is lowered, those things that do make it into my current capacity get more attention. I often have these weird moments of insight, and they often happen at weird times. For instance, I just had moment of insight when I was taking a hot shower and trying to soothe some of the yuck that is currently in my throat. (This is relevant, I promise.)

The entire time I've been doing this work, after I'm done hearing someone's story, or after a session that I know has been really hard for a client, I have a fleeting feeling that I've never been able to name and I've never been able to really look at because it's so fleeting that sometimes I don't even know that it's there.

The other day it happened again, and for some reason, it stuck. I've been having this internal thing happening since then around some work that I did with a person and for some reason, that feeling lingered. Yesterday, while in the shower doing the yuck-soothing, I finally was able to figure it out.

It was awe.

Sometimes as counselors we forget how hard it is to sit in that chair across from someone whose job it is to help us. We forget how hard it is to tell someone our story, and then to tell it again, and then to work through it while telling it again. I sometimes forget that I will never know how difficult or deeply seated the feelings are that my clients experience, and yet I go along with the boundaries and the compartmentalization because I think that if I were to ever just put those skills down and actually feel as deeply as a client does about their own issues, I wouldn't be able to do the job.

The other day after sitting with someone in something really difficult, they got up and walked out of my office because their time with me was done, and I got that fleeting feeling. It was just a second, but it stuck. I found myself wondering how they could even function, and yet here they were in my office, telling a perfectly coherent, yet very difficult to tell, narrative of what they had going on. Yet they did it. They sat there and did it. Then they pulled themselves together and went about their day.

Awe makes sense to me. Awe is the only logical explanation of this feeling (I say that as if feelings are logical. Spoiler alert: They're not.). There are times that I feel awe just going about my day, and there are times that I feel it and I don't know it's there. It's one of those feelings of mine that is visceral, and it has become more so since I've been a counselor. I find myself consistently in awe of a person's resiliency, or their ability to perform even the most basic functions of their day. Getting out of bed. Maybe getting in a shower. Maybe it's writing in their journal for that day. Sitting in front of me, even if they only show up and don't even say anything.

Part of it is that I've been there. I've been faced with the impossible task myself, so I know exactly how hard it can be to leave your house to put gas in your car and feel like it's a huge accomplishment. I also know personally how hard it is to sit in front of someone and tell your truth, even if they're paid to sit and listen to you and help you work through it.

A colleague about a year ago asked me what helps me keep my sense of joy, which is pretty abundant, in the face of the work that I do. It's this. If I can keep my sense of awe, I'll be able to keep my sense of joy. Even on the hardest days, I can manage to find something to help me keep my sense of awe, without exception yet. I'm hoping the day never comes that I search and can't find it. Don't get me wrong, some days I have to really look for it, but it's there.

Here's hoping I never lose it.