I’m just intolerant.

Setting: my new doctor’s office this afternoon, Looking at some blood tests that show all of my food sensitivities. (Spoiler Alert: There were a lot.)

Me: so, like. This could just be showing foods I’ve eaten in abundance before this test, right? I mean, look how high that can sugar one is. And also all of that dairy.

Awesome New Doctor: yeah, no. These are foods you’re probably sensitive to.

Me: but I ate a shit ton of gluten before this test. Look how high those numbers are.

AND: yeah, no. That’s not even a little bit what that means.

Me: ALSO MUSHROOMS AND WHAT THE HECK BECAUSE I LOVE THEM AND NOW I CANT EAT THEM AND WHAT THE FUCK.

AND: I’m guessing you have a fungal thing and that’s why mushrooms came up. (Quickly starting to fumble because I’m becoming more dysregulates than she might have been anticipating) and! You only have to do this for 30 days. After that we’re going to reincorporate very intentionally and slowly.

Me: THAT IS MORE THAN 30 DAYS WITHOUT EGGS CHEESE SUGAR GLUTEN AND MUSHROOMS. CANNOT OVEREMPHASIZETHE MUSHROOM   OF IT ALL DR OTTO.

AND: I know. But if you did the elimination diet, this will not be that bad and there’s a slight chance that some of these changes will not be necessaryin the longer term once your gut is where it needs to be. You’ve just got to be a gluten free vegan for a little while.

Pardon me while I go stuff my face for the next four days because I can’t start it until I’m off of antibiotics which is Monday.

Then I’ll just be crying for cheese for a full month but probably permanently.