Waiting is not my forte.

I know that the meeting happened that decided my licensure status happened on Friday.

I know that it takes time. The rational side of my brain is slapping me in the face right now and being like "COOL IT RYAN. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME."

The irrational side of my brain is battling it out currently. The thing is, one of my mentors from grad school is on the board. I know this. What I also know (rational brain speaking here) is that we are both ethical people. Could he call me and tell me what happened and what was decided? Of course he could. But he's ethical and he won't. Also, because I'm ethical, I would never put him in the position to have to answer if I asked, and I would never, ever even think of exploiting our relationship in that way.

Do I wish that he and I could just both set aside our ethics for one effing second and he would just TELL ME WHAT WAS DECIDED, DAMN IT? Of course I do. But I don't get special privileges just because I know someone on the board, no matter how well I may know them. I have to wait just like everyone else.

Juuuuuuuust like everyone else.

I wonder if anyone else's anxiety level is this high over what everyone is trying to convince me is basically a done deal. In all reality, I'm likely going to be licensed. It's just a matter of getting the letter, writing the check, and getting my license and paperwork to hang in my office.

But the thing is, it's not a done deal. People get denied licensure all the time for reasons that seem weird and entirely out of their control. So, as encouraging as people are trying to be, it's not working. I just need the damn letter, and then I will be a bearable person to be around.

In other news, to bide my time, I tried a new gluten free brownie mix this weekend. King Arthur Flour makes it, and the reason I decided to try it was because I went to a local cafe the other day and had some blueberry bread that didn't taste at all like it was gluten free, but it WAS. I asked them for the recipe (literally, I went up to the counter and said, "What is the sorcery behind you guys being able to make this gluten free without tasting like it?"), and they told me that it was all King Arthur Flour mix. They gushed about it, even.

The brownies TOTALLY lived up to the hype. They weren't grainy, they were soft, they didn't break apart in my hands, it was MAGIC. The entire pan is gone. Rob liked them too. I find it encouraging that people are getting better at gluten-free. I also found a GRRRRRRRREAT recipe this weekend for gluten-free beef stew, so I threw a bunch of shit in the slow cooker and it's ready to eat today. I can't wait to try it.

Also, I'm currently sitting at home waiting for an electrician to come to my house, and I think the awesomeness of the brownies made it happen (being that taking them out of the oven was the first time that it happened), but the stove keeps tripping the circuit breaker. Like, three or four times just yesterday. It just happened out of the blue. Also, our furnace needs repair (to prevent carbon monoxide poisoning, so it's not like it's a small deal), so this is going to be an expensive week house-wise. We've been lucky up to this point except when our water heater started having some shenanigans right after we moved in, but it's been right as rain ever since and we've had NO trouble with anything else. So, we're due, I guess one could argue.

So, I continue to wait.

And continue to press the "licensee lookup" button and type in my name on the website for the board.

Compulsively.

My Weird Brain

So, I'm teaching three classes this semester.

If you are thinking, "RYAN YOU ARE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU WORK UPWARDS OF FIFTY HOURS A WEEK AND TEACH THREE CLASSES", you are certainly not wrong. I think that to myself about three times a day.

They're all pretty straightforward though, and they're RIGHT in my wheelhouse as a counselor, so I feel like I've got a good amount of knowledge to impart and it's pretty great.

There is this one class though. It's a full-semester class, and it's taught entirely online. I'm teaching the very first online iteration of this class, and its start was stressful because I had just shy of three weeks to read the entire textbook and develop the entire course, all in my first month of my promotion at work, so it was a stressful time.

Regardless, I do my grading on weekends. That's literally the only time I have to do it. I could do some on Mondays (and I do for my hybrid class), but it's largely weekends. It takes me about six hours total to do all of my grading for these three classes, so it's not a huge time commitment. The reason that I'm thinking about this is that taking on the hybrid class that I am currently teaching started in a similar way (I was asked at the last minute, and had a VERY short amount of time to develop my syllabus and cram an entire textbook into my already largely occupied brain), and I'm noticing a pattern.

I have started to avoid grading for these two classes specifically. For my other class, I'm all over it. But these two classes are difficult for me to get motivated.

It started innocently enough. I was like "eh, all this can wait until Sunday" one week, and while I did it, I stressed about it. a lot. And I stress about it every week. In reflecting on it, I can find no discernable reason - the students are meeting the expectations consistently, they're working in the ways that I want them to - they're bringing their A games, even. But I have the yips about these two classes. So I stress, I procrastinate, I avoid...and then everything's fine when I sit down and actually do the grading. What I have been able to determine is that I'm stressed about grading these two classes because the start was stressful. But knowing that doesn't stop my brain from trying to avoid.

I'm such a weirdo.

What I do when I’m Crispy

Friends, I’m crispy.

Burnt.

Toasty.

That’s a selfie I took earlier.

Anywho, how do I know that I’m crispy? Really, how does anyone know?

That’s a good question. For some, it’s dark humor. I can always take that off the list, because it’s just my general sense of humor. Some people become short-tempered, but mine goes beyond that. The great thing about counselor education is that they teach you to tune into yourself and figure out what burnout looks like. You almost become too self-aware, but it serves a purpose, which is to be able to tell when you’re getting burnt. The burnout rate in my profession is astronomical, especially in the environment in which I work. It’s just the nature of the beast, and burnout isn’t so much a thing to avoid, because it’s inevitable. The trick is to notice it when it happens and have the wherewithal to act, or have colleagues close enough to you that they will be able to tell and have the comfort level to point it out. This is important, because if you get burnt and don’t notice it or act, you can do quite a bit of damage. Every counselor has their own signs of burnout, and I’ve pinpointed several of mine:

My reserve of patience is and has been close to zero without any kind of replenishment for the last couple of weeks. Like, even my dog is annoying, and I never, ever get annoyed at my dog. He isn’t even doing anything different - he’s just being Miles. Also, I have urges to yell at people. Like, legit yell. Like, freak the fuck out, red faced, spittle flying everywhere kind of yelling. I’m also perpetually mad, even after a good day, without any kind of respite.

The thing is, if I’m going to get burnt, this is the time of year when it will happen. The holidays are coming and I hate them so my stress level is high, work is NUTS, and I’m just tired. Mix all that shit together, and it’s burnout city, population Ryan.

So, when I start to get crispy, I double down on the self-care. I knit more, I sleep more, and I give myself opportunities to rest. For instance, tomorrow I have an Invisalign appointment at 945, so I’m taking a half day and sleeping in, and then following my appointment up with some retail therapy before going into work. Also, I’m making my thanksgiving weekend as stress-free as possible and filling it with people that I know will nourish me and allow me to be myself. I also am intentionally eating better and making myself smoothies in the morning again and making sure I take my vitamins. I’m just WAY more intentional about everything that helps me to feel better. Also, increasing my therapy appointments helps, and most importantly, being honest with myself about it. Because I’m such a perfectionist, I have a hard time admitting to myself that I’m feeling burnt, but the grrrrreat thing about this new role of mine is that if I have to give others feedback about it, I damn well be pretty honed into my own tendencies.

Speaking of this new role, I’m starting to fit into it better. I am more decisive than I ever have been in any job, and I’m starting to feel more confident and competent.

Finally.

Ok. I’m going to go knit and drink tea and watch Gilmore girls like the self-care champ that I am.

Tooth Shenanigans

I had a cleaning at the dentist a couple of weeks ago for the first time since I got invisalign. It went very well! My habitual increased toothbrushing habits and daily water pik-ing have paid off, and my gums are healthier than they ever have been!

I also had an invisalign appointment that day to get new trays, and I'm two away from getting new molds and solidifying my treatment plan, and so it got me thinking.

If you'll notice, my top teeth trend to the right. This has driven me crazy since the day I got my braces off at age 13. I was told by my orthodontist that this was not fixable. When I was approving my initial treatment plan for invisalign and I noticed that fixing this was not in the plan, I asked about it and he said, "yeah, it won't even be that noticeable by the end.

Don't mind the droopy eyelids or the luggage under my eyes.
I had a rough week and I just woke up from a nap a little bit ago.
Or something.
Also, look at how much straighter my teeth are getting!

It's VERY noticeable right now, more so than when I started invisalign. SO, I had this appointment, and I asked, since I'm in striking distance to modify my treatment plan - my dentist said that this was the perfect opportunity to fix it, and they'd put it in when I do the molds.

I'm not sure what this is going to look like, but I would imagine that it's going to look like more IPR, which is no big deal, because I'm usually the only one that notices it. Except that time where my dentist apologized for "roughing me up" and created a very noticeable space between two of my teeth.

If that were to happen, I'm envisioning that I'll look like this eventually:

Fun Fact: Jim Carrey's teeth are actually this way - he had an implant of some
kind removed in order to create the space in his teeth!

Obviously, I know this won't be the case, but it's at least comical to think about. I'm pretty excited that this is going to be fixed! :)

It’s Here!

Three years, one month, and 28 days of graduate school. One thesis, 63 credits, countless papers, and reflection until all I could do was basically vomit words. Also, some of the best mentoring anyone could ever ask for.

Two years, one month, and 21 days of supervised clinical work, an exam, stress, tears, and worry. 

It’s been really fucking hard, and my process was easy compared to that of others who have walked the same journey. But you know how much of it I regret? None. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it.

I apply for licensure tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s legit more exciting than the day my diploma came in the mail.

I can’t WAIT for this process to be done. The last few weeks have been...stressful, I think is the word I’m looking for? And I think that knowing that this has been coming is the reason why. The amount of relief I feel after checking all of my stuff a fifth and final time to make sure I have everything is more than I expected. I’m going to EAT THE SHIT out of a Balboa sub when my license comes in the mail, gluten intolerance be damned. It’s just a necessary part of the tradition. 

After tomorrow, we wait three weeks, give or take. The meeting in which this will be decided takes place on November 17, so hopefully I won’t be waiting too long.

Here we go!

Listening to Myself

I've been struggling lately.

I'm beyond overwhelmed at work, I just took on a third class for reasons passing understanding, I'm working through some really difficult things in therapy, and I'm just...having a hard time.

Lots of different things have happened lately as well, including some shit with my family that is making me question whether they even respect me at all, and I'm finally leaning into the "no" that is resounding in me and responding accordingly. Rob is not doing so great right now as a result of it either, and that's hard for me to sit with as well.

Regardless, I just feel heavy. Everything is hard, and I get overwhelmed really easily, and I'm irritable. I'm not a very easy person to be around at the moment, and knowing that, I'm starting to isolate, which is not an entirely bad thing.

An annual party that one of Rob's awesome coworkers throws every year is happening right now, and instead of going, after a tough therapy session, realizing the utter mountain of work that I have to do, and just being pretty emotionally volatile at the moment, I decided not to go. There's also a family party that is tomorrow that I'm also not going to for the above mentioned reasons AND the respect thing. I just have to listen to my own inner need to be alone when I'm struggling and know that it's only temporary but necessary in order for me to feel better.

I'm trying really hard to just sit with these difficulties that I'm having, which is difficult. I'm facing some decades-old feelings lately, and it's exhausting. The only thing that I can do, if I want to get through this difficulty and feel better on the other side instead of pushing all of these feelings away, is just sit with it. Be alone sometimes if I have to. Also, recognize that I've had this inner turmoil and dissonance before and it will pass and things will be better than they were before once it does. I will be better than I was before once it passes.

In better news, I went to my functional medicine guy last week and my numbers are all closer to where they should be, particularly my thyroid numbers. So, I'm to stay the course and keep eating better. (Also, I cut sugar out again, and that could be why I'm so emotional the past couple of days in particular - cutting out sugar messes with me more than I care to admit, I think.)

It's not my heart!

Woohoo! All of my heart testing came back normal.

Also, my new doctor is AMAZEBALLS.

Friends, if your doctor tries to force you to get a flu shot, even when you don't really need one, they're not a good doctor. Also, if your doctor does not give you their unvarnished opinion about flu shots when you ask for it, they are not a good doctor.

Of course, I could just be thinking this because I got validation on my viewpoint about flu shots when my doctor agreed with me on it without even knowing it.

I'm one of those assholes who thinks that flu shots are pointless and will express my opinion about it to anyone who asks. I have a couple of risk factors for the flu (asthma being chiefly among them) that would make it about eleventy billion times worse if I ever got it, yet I still refuse to get the vaccine. Why? Because it's probably not going to protect me. The vaccine industry takes a WILD stab in the dark and picks the strains they're going to vaccinate against every year and most of the time, they get it wrong. So, why would I get a shot that I don't need?

Am I an anti-vaxxer? NO. I think that tetanus shots are good. MMR vaccines are great. Also, hepatitis B shots are fantastic, as are all of those other ones that we get as babies that protect us and those around us from really terrible diseases. I think that if we know what we are protecting ourselves from and the shot that we are getting stands a good shot of protecting us (pun not intended!), then we should get that vaccine. Flu vaccines do not meet that criteria for me. For others, sure! Why not? If it gives a person even a little bit of peace of mind, then why not? I get peace of mind from alarmingly few things (thanks again, anxiety), so it would not do that for me. So, no flu shots for me.

Also, I'm taking the bull by the horns allergy-wise early this year and starting on a long-acting inhaler, which I think I've needed for a long time but just never got. My new doctor was like "ok, so if you don't have a heart issue, which you clearly don't, then it's probably your asthma." We talked about long-acting and short-acting inhalers, and I have a short-acting one that I never use because it just makes me feel jittery and more anxious and awful. When I told him that, he was like "yeah, I totally get that." DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DOCTORS HAVE SAID THAT TO ME IN THE PAST WHEN I TELL THEM THAT MY INHALER JUST SERVES TO COLLECT DUST?

ONE. HIM.

All of the rest of them have been like "just get past the side effects. It's not a big deal. Breathing is more important than addressing these side effects and you don't need a long-acting inhaler." So, just telling me that I'm being crazy and invalidating me and not changing anything at all was SUPER effective (as it always is, right? Who doesn't like to be told that they're being ridiculous?), because I just threw it away eventually because it expired anyway after literally years of not being used.

What's great is that I now have this inhaler, and I'm going to use it for three weeks, and then I'm going to try Singulair for another three weeks. Singular is what I take when my allergies are so bad I can't get out of bed. It allows me to at least drag myself out of bed and into the shower three times a day when my allergies get terrible. I'm starting it early this year because SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW THIS BEFORE (OH WAIT YES I DID), but my allergies get worse when my lungs aren't working at their full potential! And then my allergies get even worse and my lungs can't work! And this is the pattern that I've been trying to tell doctors for YEARS, and this is the first time anyone has ever listened to me about it. That allergy cycle is what has caused my lifetime of sinus infections and bronchitis, I'm 90% sure at this point.

But I don't need a long-acting inhaler, especially not to start it early, or to prevent the suffering I feel every fall. Of course I don't. I can TOTALLY stand letting it just hit me in the face every year and spend a larger time than necessary totally debilitated every fall and then get a cold that lingers for an entire winter season because my allergies go unaddressed.

It's the best thing ever to be listened to by my doctor. You know what else is the best thing ever? Breathing. Being able to, that is. After one dose, I'm coughing less and I can breathe better. This is promising!