Getting Answers and Getting Tired

I'm pretty tired of my medical care being my version of top-tier self-care. It's a literal second full-time job, and I'm just...tired.

That being said, I had a PCP appointment a few weeks ago and she noticed that I hadn't had lactulose breath testing yet. This particular brand of digestive testing tests for a condition called SIBO, which stands for Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. People who have had C.Diff are especially prone to it (both because of having had it in the first place and also because the treatment for it absolutely decimates your gut, and it takes literal years to recover from), and it can cause all kinds of terrible symptoms. I ticked every box on the symptom list, so when I was meeting with my first MGH gastro, she ordered it because I asked her to.

Then I went on Prilosec to get rid of the ulcers, and so I couldn't do the test because you have to be off of those for four weeks. February 5, ding ding ding! That was my day.

For this test, you have to drink lactulose. They give you about 6 ounces of it to drink, and it took me ten minutes just to drink it. That is how disgusting it is. Then every 20 minutes for three hours, they have you breathe into a tube to test two different gases: Hydrogen and Methane. If the gases come out a certain way, you have SIBO.

As a side note, there were two of us taking that particular test that day. The person next to me had no reaction. What a douche. (Not really. Her name was Elizabeth and she was lovely.)

At the 90-minute mark, I got such major rumbles in my stomach that she legitimately looked at me and was like "Um. You ok?"

Friends, I was not ok.

It happened a couple more times, then I snarfed (for those wondering, it's sneeze-barfing, which I've been doing more of than I'm comfortable with lately) three times during the test, and the nurse gave me a tiny bit of water to rinse my mouth out and that was literally all I was able to have.

You know what that nurse had the literal audacity to say to me? "If it brings you any comfort, if you're having this kind of reaction, it means that you probably have what we're testing for."

Anyway. Testing continued, then I left, half a sock knitted, and then ate an oatmeal cream pie and went home. Or more accurately, to work. I almost barfed in my car, but I made it to work and through the rest of my day without incident. This is good because I've had the car for a month and a half now and if I had barfed in the car after already having been in an accident, I clearly would have considered the car possessed and just set it on fire.

Then the test results came in.

I am a chronic googler. Whenever I get results for testing, I look them up to see what they mean.

If, at the 2-hour mark, the methane level is above 20, you have SIBO.

Mine was 44.

Then it's supposed to take another big spike and then start to reduce.

Mine spiked up to 58 (the biggest jump of the entire test) and then reduced a bit and then plateaued.

Yup!

SO I emailed my gastro and was like "Hey, can we talk about these results?" and she was all, "Whoa. Let's get you in and make a plan." So I called yesterday asking if we could just wait until March when my next appointment is, and they were all, "Hold please, I'll check." They came back on shortly after and said, "Nope! We'll see you Friday at 4:30."

The good news is that treatment is easy - targeted antibiotics for three to four months and then another test after that time. I have a hunch that this is going to get rid of the whole problem. This is great news because low-FODMAPS is bullshit. I will have to eat an anti-SIBO diet for a good long time, if not forever, but it's flexible and SUPER manageable AND I CAN EAT VEGETABLES AGAIN. I had a salad the other day and LAWD did I pay for it, but it was worth every goddamn bite. (The company was pretty great too, BUT ALSO THE SALAD.)

This afternoon's appointment is going to be a dabba doo time, most particularly because I'm having a filler injection in my vocal cord this morning first. I'll be squeaky today and probably tomorrow, but then it's BELT IT OUT TIME FOR ME. Am I pretty nervous because I'll be awake for this one? Yes. Is it awesome that I'll get to drive home from it? Also yes.

I can't WAIT.