First, I want to say that I have become this annoyingly and deliriously happy person over the past four weeks. It's weird how much my brain has cleared out all of the difficult stuff that I was wrestling with. It's literally just gone and I don't know what happened. Maybe it was being able to let go of anxiety around getting pregnant, maybe it was hormonal changes, who knows. I've tried to examine it a little, but I'm not entirely sure that I want to. I've been able to get out of my own way more than I ever have in the past, and it's making me much more effective as a human being.
That being said, I was sitting here drinking my morning coffee and I thought to myself what a gift it has been to bear witness, really bear witness, to how much I've healed over the past four weeks. My body has gone through some monumental changes and I know more are coming, but to watch the pain subside, to watch my body change shape as it heals, to watch in real time how my body is finding a sense of balance, finally, has been kind of unbelievable. My whole relationship with my body has changed over the past four weeks, and I did not expect that to happen. (I also came to the stark realization today that menopause kind of suits me. One person joked that I've been an old woman drinking tea and wearing slippers and a housecoat since I was 19, and I can't say I disagree with that.) I know that I have two more weeks until my body has fully healed from the surgery itself, but I'm here for it. I remember when I broke my arm, I didn't want to see the healing process. I was in this big splint after surgery and then when the doctor cut it away to reveal a pretty grotesque looking incision, I couldn't look at it. I tried and almost fainted. I'm not sure if this healing is more internal and so I don't have to see the changes, but I know healing is happening. While I'm not where I want to be yet, if this is how things continue to shift for me, bring it on.
I'm at this weird place where I feel so good and I want to exercise, but I can't. I'm seriously thinking of calling the nurse at the OB-GYN place and asking if there's any exercise I could be doing. This is crazy, because I'm back to work full-time this week and I've currently got 35 clinical hours scheduled (and trying to cram in others when I can), but I want to find a way to fit it in. I just want to. I'm ready mentally, and it's been a little tough to wait for my body to be there physically, but I'm trying to summon what little patience I have in the first place to just ride it out. Once I hit the three-week mark and was halfway through the recovery period, I said to myself, "yes, I can definitely do this one more time." I can, it's just a different kind of hard. I don't do so good with the patience with myself part.
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