Having Too Much Energy

This seems like a good problem to have, and it is, but I have too much energy.

It really started when I woke up the morning of my endocolonoscopy. I had little glimmers of it before that, and I think it was because I started taking Zoloft, but I'm not sure. It's not switching or anything, of that I'm sure, because I'm fully aware and in tune with what's happening. I'm sleeping like a rockstar (back to 9-10 hours a night for the first time in months!), while I'm more able to focus, I don't have any super goal-directed activity, and I'm not having any kinds of hallucinations or delusions, so I know it's not that I have some hidden bipolar disorder. I'm eating really well, and I just...feel awesome.

I think I've had low-grade depression for a really, really long time. I've kind of always been troubled by persistent negative thoughts - nothing major, just gloomy. A lot of people who don't know me well are always surprised to hear that, but the thing about it that I've learned both from my work and from my own personal experience is that people can become masterful at hiding that kind of thing. We don't know the thoughts other people have, so they're super easy to hide. When I'm having a tough day that gets harder to hide, but I've been able to keep it pretty well hidden since I was a teenager. Have there been some big bumps because of life happening? Yes. But, outside of that, I haven't really opened up about it to anyone but my therapist and my husband.

ANYWAY. I've tried some antidepressants in the past with no real change except for the side effects. Lexapro made me gain weight that took like six years to get back off, Effexor was just...no. So I gave up after that. Then my naturopath put me on Dopaboost, and my world started to change. All of these issues started to go away. Then a bunch of stuff happened, both good and bad, and I became less adherent to my supplements, and I took a BIG BIG dip recently, like within the last couple of months. So, I talked to my doctor when I went to my physical. There was a pretty clear line to chemical stuff happening in my brain.

I have also started eating better, which is not a small thing in the constellation of stuff I have going on right now. Do I hate that I have to take medications every day, now three (one for my thyroid, one for my stomach, and the Zoloft)? Yes. But, if it means that I am going to feel like this, I'm ok with it. I went from not being really able to do anything at all outside of work and teaching to feeling more motivated to get out of the house sometimes. I don't want to get out of the house all the time because pandemic, but I'm getting there, and I haven't been able to say that for a long time, if ever. But, if I decide to have a lazy weekend in which I don't leave the house or talk to anyone at all except for my husband and my dog, it feels more like a choice now, if that makes sense?

But, I'm doing things like keeping my house clean and doing laundry regularly and splitting up my workload into little bits so that it doesn't feel as overwhelming. What's funny is that no one ever talks about how depression and anxiety look a lot like ADHD because they affect our executive functioning in many similar ways, but it's true! I thought for a long time that that's what it was, but I'm finding that now that I'm clearer and my brain chemicals are doing what they're supposed to, it's easier for me to make a plan for myself in terms of life and work and teaching. Do a little bit here, a little bit there, and suddenly everything feels more manageable. I'm going to be having surgery sometime in the spring semester, I don't know when, and I went back and forth with myself about how I was going to handle it in terms of my classes. I literally couldn't figure it out. The answer was right in front of me, but I couldn't even come close to getting there. It was keeping me from being able to set up my classes and get them going, or to even finish the syllabi for the classes. The solution I came up with was so easy when I sat and actually gave myself a chance to think about it yesterday that I'm almost kicking myself. What's stopping me is that when I started to put together the syllabi for my classes, I was in a really overwhelmed state, and so there was no way that I was going to be able to think it through. (A side effect of the entire front of my brain just basically being like "Yup! I'm going on a vacation. See you in two months! Take it away, Fear Center!)

But for now, I'll just ride the wave and enjoy it, because I know it isn't going to last forever, so I may as well enjoy it while it's here and savor it - that's the whole point, right?

And also trying to get my dog to stop chewing the damn windowsills. And the curtains. And the couch. And my textbooks. And my crocheting. And also to stop barking at me whenever I don't immediately give her what she wants. Like my foot. Or my socks. Or the sleeves of my sweater.

Changing it Up

Food has always been my sore spot in terms of my own self-care. Whether it's my relationship with food that needs changing, or what I choose to put in my body, or whatever. The thing that keeps this a sore spot is time.

Even with the pandemic, I've been super busy at work. I always keep myself super busy because I like being busy, and also because the nature of being a mental health counselor is that if I'm not busy, I'm not helping. (I'm also not making money, but that's another point entirely.)

I got an endocolonoscopy last week. They found some stuff that they said wasn't concerning, but needed to be addressed before it did. The big thing they found was inflammation in my stomach and my esophagus. They put me on this medication that's been helping like gangbusters (I've had this chronic cough for...well, forever, and all of a sudden it's just GONE. It's weird.), and this constant feeling of my stomach being in flux is just...not present anymore. It's been there so long I didn't even know that it COULD go away. There was talk of potentially having GERD when I was in my early 20s after I had to have an upper GI, but I brought it up to my doctor and she seemed unconcerned, so I dropped it.

(Side note - I said this more than once to my new doctor at my latest physical about various medical stuff that has come and maybe gone, and I could see her shoulders drop every time I said it. As a result, she was like "We're addressing this NOW. No more dropping it." I like my new doctor A LOT.)

But, what the most bonkers part of the whole process was the prep. I approached it with some trepidation. I'd heard that the prep is the worst part, and that it would be a highly unpleasant experience. First, I had to stop taking my supplements a week before the procedure. No big deal. Then, three days before it, I had to stop eating all nuts, seeds, and beans. A little problematic because I eat a lot of chickpeas, but not a terrible change. Then, the day before, this past Sunday, I had to stop all solid food. I had to go on a fully clear liquid diet all of Sunday. Again, not terrible. Not pleasant, but also not terrible.

Then, starting Sunday night, I had to start drinking the Plenvu. It tasted terrible, it caused some Very Unpleasant Feelings in my gut, and then I'll spare the details about the rest. It took about five hours to really start working. I slept on the couch that night so that I wouldn't disturb Rob, and then got up at 4:30am to continue the prep. It meant taking the double dose of the Plenvu, which started working in about an hour.

But let me tell you. In spite of the unpleasantness that led up to it and while I was taking it and waiting for it to work, once I was done with the prep, I felt GREAT. I literally could have gone and done major exercise in the morning on Monday if my wrist wasn't still healing. I felt light, I felt...just amazing. I practically bounced into the hospital on Monday morning, ready to have my procedure. I continued to feel amazing after I woke up, and still continue to feel pretty freaking great. I was pleasant to deal with, I felt clearheaded, and it was just different than I was expecting. I don't know what kind of magic happened between the beginning of my prep and the end of the procedure, but it has really made me want to continue feeling good.

I'd started back on the smoothie train a couple of weeks ago at the advice of my doctor, who said that I needed to beef up my breakfasts. We got a new blender and retired our 10-year-old Ninja, and our new one has a way to blend smoothies in their own cups rather than the big container, so it was a big win all around. Still, I resist making smoothies. They take too much time (they actually don't at all), they're expensive (they're not - a full bag of frozen fruit lasts me a week), the add-ins are a pain in the ass (a fistful of spinach - bam, done), I can't find a good protein powder (unflavored pea protein - bam, done), there are some fruits that I should stay away from because they were flagged as intolerances (just blueberries, and I have blueberry syrup in my coffee with no reaction) and they're in every mix I can find, wah wah wah.  I just had all of the excuses. 

Then I found Splendid Spoon. They were some random facebook ad that just popped up. I'm not a fan of food delivery services at all, but this company is right up my alley. They had exactly what I wanted - quick breakfasts and lunches - and they are gluten-free and plant-based. I have to be careful with some stuff, but there are only like two meals in their entire menu that I can't eat. It gives me my smoothie fix in the morning and has ready-made lunches, both meals that I struggle with because I often only have about 10 minutes to scarf something between sessions and that's my breakfast or lunch. It's a little pricey so I probably won't keep it up forever, but the ingredients give me ideas for smoothies that I can easily make myself. And, the lunches look so easy that I could meal prep them and be done for the week.

I got my first shipment yesterday and have to limit the number of smoothies I drink. I almost drank two yesterday, but I want to save them for when I'll actually need them. They're so good that I can't even. And who thought that cacao would be good to put in a smoothie?! Whoever it was, give them a prize, because the raspberry cacao smoothie that I had yesterday was nothing short of miraculous. The mint chip smoothie that I had today was more of the same.

I was due for a re-focusing of my diet, and I'm so glad that I gave myself the opportunity for one. Also, first medical procedure down, only one more to go (or potentially two - I find out in March). I go back for another colonoscopy in a year, but I'm not too upset about this idea, given how this one went.

The Miracle of the Right Medications

Friends, something just...switched on about a week and a half ago for me.

I think part of it was that my thyroid was finally like "oh hey, these meds are here to help me, and so I should stop making Ryan feel like shit all the time."

I also think the other part was the Zoloft.

I had a physical about a week and a half ago and told my doctor that I needed a more long-term solution for my anxiety than Ativan. Granted, it helped like gangbusters when I needed it, but I don't want to need Ativan. So, she put me on Zoloft.

I know it's just the placebo effect at this point. It takes 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to fully kick in, but let me tell you. In the past week and a half, I've been more productive because I've been less overwhelmed, I've felt MILES better in terms of my mental health, and I feel like things are just...manageable at this point. Even if it is just the placebo effect, I'll take it. I'm not feeling any side effects (which I think is both telling and awesome), and I just feel good!

I thought about the idea of medications when I was back in college. I had been to therapy in college and while it was helpful, I wasn't quite where I wanted or needed to be. I tried meds on and off for a couple of years after college but because I didn't find a good fit (Effexor was a disaster and I would be sick for days with even one glass of wine because Effexor and alcohol don't play nice and my doctor was like "well then just stop drinking that one drink you have every few months - what's the big deal?" - Uh, I shouldn't be that sick is what the big deal is, DOC.), I just gave up the ghost and went back to trying to manage it on my own.

Friends, don't do that. Mental health medications are tricky and for sure not an exact science, but find a good one. Take the time. Be patient. the right medication or combination is out there. If you're experiencing unwanted side effects that don't feel tolerable, speak up and advocate for yourself. If I had done that a few years ago when I was doing the lexapro/effexor/screw-it-then-I'll-try-nothing-and-see-how-that-goes-because-my-doctor-is-terrible dance instead of giving up, I wouldn't be giving myself the kick in the pants that I'm currently giving myself. What I really should have done at that time was get a new doctor instead of giving up on meds, because the more I experience good ones, the more I realize how much she SUCKED. I get mad just thinking about it and then also thankful because my doctor now is so so so good.

Also, I go in for my endocolonoscopy on Monday, so that will be all kinds of weird. Luckily after this point it's only going to be colonoscopies every couple of years (leaving out the endoscopy part), so that's relieving. I'm SUPER DUPER not looking forward to the prep, which has actually already started because as of today I have to cut out all nuts, seeds, and beans. The prep doesn't start in earnest until Sunday afternoon, at which point I predict that I'm going to...be a less than pleasant person to be around for a little while. I'll just be glad to get this first one out of the way so that I know what to expect in the future and I can feel more prepared for it than I do right now. Then after I finish work today, I go and get the rest of the food that I can eat this weekend - jello, broth, and just...clear liquids. All of the clear liquids. I can have a fairly normal diet tomorrow (within reason), so it's really about buying GF pasta and figuring out what I can eat.

Super good times!