Intentionality

Hello, Friends. 

I'm going to talk about something that I struggle with a lot, and that's being intentional about how I spend my time. Because I've spent so much of my life with the perception that things just happen to me instead of feeling like I have a say (and let me tell you, I've done some MAJOR work on this over the past 10 or so years, but I still definitely have a long way to go), intentionality ain't my strong suit. I was doing well for about a month recently by spending my time putting self-care at the forefront. Yoga was the way I did this, and it felt great, and I was able to generalize it to other areas of my life with some majorly positive results.

Then I found out about the genetic disorder and was totally overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I'd have to do in the beginning to manage it.

Then a family member had major surgery, which was related to this genetic disorder.

Then like 6 of my clients went into crisis and had to start being seen multiple times a week temporarily.

Then I made some Big Professional Decisions That I Can't Talk About Yet That Also Don't Feel Like They're Real Yet.

Then I realized that my income is going to be cut in more than half for the next two months because I won't be teaching and started unabashedly freaking out even though I know intellectually that we're going to be fine because we've been saving for this time knowing that it's coming.

Then my dog died and had to take the entire week off of work not just for the holiday, but also because I was in no mental place whatsoever to handle the grief AND having to be present with my clients.

Then I had a thyroid biopsy and I have a huge gross bruise on my neck. Thank goodness for scarves, let me tell you.

Yeah, November was a BITCH. Work-wise, every year it is. I'm not sure if it's the holidays, or if people are finally in a groove for the school year and that's when all of the difficulties rear their ugly heads, but regardless of the reason, I was in it. What that means when I'm in it is that I get knocked out of sync with my self-care. I stopped going to yoga. I stopped eating well. I just...stopped. The holidays are also hard for me for a multitude of reasons, and that's not a small piece of the puzzle, especially this year.

This happens from time to time and it costs me a great deal in terms of my mental health in particular. So, I realized what was happening and then I decided to do something different. I got in touch with my therapist to get back into therapy (I always tick up this time of year anyway because holidays), and made a few other intentional decisions, and then I sat down a few minutes ago and looked at the schedule of my yoga studio. I put myself in for five classes this week knowing that the excuses I was making not to go were no longer valid. Not going was keeping me from meeting myself where I was, and it didn't allow me any more space. It wasn't causing me any less stress not to go - if anything, it was making it worse. Regardless of all of that, I was coming up with excuse after excuse after excuse not to go. That all stopped today.

I don't know where it happened (I suspect it started happening before yesterday, but that's when I started noticing it), but something along the way just just...clicked. I was having a really hard time. Like, really hard. Our best friend invited us to go to the park with her son and Ruby and I just...couldn't do it. So I let Rob and Ruby go and sat by myself unraveling a blanket, making a giant yarn ball, and crying. Weird, maybe. But it was what I needed to do for myself at that point in time. I'm doing better today, but I know that things like this are going to happen over the next few weeks. There have been MAJOR ups and downs this week, which will get better with time, and I'm sure are not made any easier by the fact that my thyroid medication changed and it's wreaking all kinds of havoc, to the point where I might call my doctor. I want to ride it out and see if it gets any better and give it a little time and see if my body is able to even out, but we'll see.

Sigh. What I've come to realize (and this was a long time ago that the realization came, I just am not consistent about doing anything about it) is that the chaos in my life will be no less unless I make it so. Sometimes I just have to get out of my own way - if I want less chaos, that's what's got to happen. There's literally no other way than making the choice and realizing that not making the choice is also making a choice.

This post deserves a hashtag. Here it is.

#shitisaytomyclientsallthetimebutdonteverfollowmyself