So, why not make big changes all at once, eh?
Let's talk a little bit about dental care, shall we?
I have been seeing the same dentist since I was 5. Almost.
What I mean by that is that when I was about 20 and in college, I was all, "NO WAY AM I TRAVELING 40 MINUTES TO SEE MY DENTIST ANYMORE. I'm finding a new one."
And then I had what I like to term a Traumatic Dental Experience. It was the first time I have ever walked out of an appointment. Just the way this new dentist took x-rays made my mouth bleed. He came at me with those hooky things that scrape your teeth and before he could even get his hand any closer to my mouth with it, I was up and out of the chair, said thank you but no thank you, and then left.
Then I didn't visit a dentist for 10 years.
In my defense, I took really good care of my teeth during that time. Also, I was terrified. Moreover, I didn't have dental insurance this entire time. NO WAY was I going to spend 100 dollars to get my teeth cleaned, especially when I was broke at the time.
So, when I was 30, I went back to my original dentist. I had to have some scaling done (where they numb your mouth and then just scrape the shit out of your teeth harder than a normal cleaning), and I had five cavities. BUT, four of them were in my wisdom teeth, so I technically only had one. I was told that wisdom teeth, because they are so far back, grow in decayed.
Fine by me! So, I got five fillings (with no intention of getting my wisdom teeth pulled at that time) and went on my merry way, and got cleanings every six months like a good little dental patient. I had been thinking about getting my teeth straightened for quite some time, but never fully pulled the trigger on it. We could never quite afford it, even though there was a time that Rob's insurance covered a pretty big chunk of it. I was in grad school at the time, so I couldn't justify it.
Fast forward to getting my wisdom teeth out. While that was by no means a Traumatic Dental Experience (the procedure itself bordered on pleasant! But then again I was also pretty high), the aftermath was enough for me to be like "NO ONE IS TOUCHING MY MOUTH FOR A WHILE."
Fast forward to this year. We can finally afford it, I've been saving, and I want to get my teeth straightened. My dentist does invisalign. PERFECT. So, I go back for a cleaning after three years off, and I have another cavity! This man knows me so well that he gasped and was like "RYAN! THIS IS SO NOT LIKE YOU!"
I know, doc. I know.
To make a rather short story long, I got all of the molds and embarrassing/hilarious pictures of my mouth taken and all that good stuff to start invisalign in about a month, I'm guessing. I also got my cavity filled, but that's neither here nor there.
Although, I find myself having to ask - why would anyone, ever, turn down novocaine for a dental procedure? I mean, sure, it's expensive if insurance didn't cover it, so I get that some people might not want or be able to to spend the money. BUT STILL. I'm telling you, even if I don't have dental insurance and I need something that has novocaine as an option, I'M GETTING NOVOCAINE.
REGARDLESS. If I can get my teeth straightened using invisalign, great. My dentist is super hopeful that it's going to happen that way because I don't have an overbite. If not, then I'll be a brace-face for a little while. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I'm really excited that it's finally happening.
Stay tuned! :D
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Cleaning as Self-Care
"So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?" Asked my director as we were both leaving work yesterday, (I have my interview at 2pm today.)
"Nervous as shit, but I'll go home and clean my house and feel better."
"Nervous as shit, but I'll go home and clean my house and feel better."
She laughed - but I was serious.
I then proceeded to drive home like a anxious mess and clean the hell out of my kitchen basically the second I got home.
Cleaning (like, not just surface cleaning - cleaning out kind of cleaning) is my self-care for when I know I'm really anxious or upset about something. I'd also had a pretty hard day yesterday, so it really could have been either. Cleanliness of my house is something that I have control over. How my interview will go does not fall into that category at the moment. It's helpful to know that the origins of my anxiety are rooted in those times when I'm aware that I'm not entirely in control so that I can recognize what is in my locus of control and put that anxious energy into something productive.
There are endless benefits to this kind of self-care:
1. I have a clean kitchen (or choose a room!)! Like, a really clean kitchen! I still have to mop, but I'll get there.
2. My anxiety goes down noticeably after I have cleaned.
3. I use the opportunity to organize as well, so that just compounds the good feelings.
I then proceeded to drive home like a anxious mess and clean the hell out of my kitchen basically the second I got home.
Cleaning (like, not just surface cleaning - cleaning out kind of cleaning) is my self-care for when I know I'm really anxious or upset about something. I'd also had a pretty hard day yesterday, so it really could have been either. Cleanliness of my house is something that I have control over. How my interview will go does not fall into that category at the moment. It's helpful to know that the origins of my anxiety are rooted in those times when I'm aware that I'm not entirely in control so that I can recognize what is in my locus of control and put that anxious energy into something productive.
There are endless benefits to this kind of self-care:
1. I have a clean kitchen (or choose a room!)! Like, a really clean kitchen! I still have to mop, but I'll get there.
2. My anxiety goes down noticeably after I have cleaned.
3. I use the opportunity to organize as well, so that just compounds the good feelings.
(You should have seen this counter before I cleaned it. ALSO THAT GREEN PAINT SMUDGE WILL HAUNT ME UNTIL I CAN GET IT OFF.)
Want to know how I know it worked?
I slept GRRRRREAT last night. I woke up on time this morning. I feel pretty damn good, too.
Also, I had the wherewithal to follow through on the solution to my pants crisis as I was planning today's outfit last night:
WEAR A FRIGGING DRESS.
THE ANSWER WAS SO SIMPLE THAT MY ANXIOUS ME DESERVES TO SIT IN THE CORNER AND WEAR A DUNCE CAP. I literally ruminated on what to do for DAYS, stressing out at Goodwill because I didn't find anything interview-appropriate that fit me on Friday. I HAD AN ENTIRE EFFING CLOSET FULL OF SOLUTIONS.
Also, I slid down a hill in the rain (not on purpose) the other day and not only hurt my ankle pretty badly, but I also rendered my pants unwearable. Luckily, we were literally at my best friend's apartment and she had a pair of pants for me to borrow.
They were skinny jeans! I had never tried them before because the tapered leg look of the 80s still has me scarred!
I felt so confident and amazing in them! I would like 10 more pairs please.
But seriously folks, a whole new confidence is starting to come over me, and I super duper like it.
I'm also over the week one hurdle, so that's good too. One week down, 3 to go.
Just kidding! I'll be ok. I've only outright stared at people eating two or three times! And, grocery shopping was easier this week! Also, I feel amazing, almost! (I'm fully confident that in a day or two, I'll totally be running on all cylinders - but right now I'm still pretty tired and occasionally murdery, but I'll get it figured out.)
Also I cheated pretty badly this weekend (I had about a billion pieces of fruit AND stole some of Rob's French fries on Saturday, and then I ate bacon on Sunday), so I'm trying to get back on track with quite a bit of success. It was easier to get back on track than I thought, which is both good and bad. I just can't venture any further into cheat territory than that. I'm also starting to discover more foods that I can eat, so that makes everything feel ten times easier.
Anywho, feel free to send some good mojo my way today, if that's your thang. :) I could definitely use it!
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Nuclear Meltdown
Ok.
"This is only temporary", I told myself when I felt the switch flip this afternoon.
Those of you who have ever done the Whole30 know exactly what I'm talking about.
Those who haven't, just be glad you don't.
Because I did the cardiometabolic diet for almost 4 weeks before the elimination diet, I think I went through the whole first phase.
Then I started the elimination diet and I went through phase one on steroids the first day. Until I got to the grocery store. Then I couldn't stop looking at all of the foods I couldn't eat and feeling resentful of that woman picking up that bag of Goldfish because WHO THE EFF IS SHE ANYWAY.
Tuesday morning, I woke up with a headache that was very quickly remedied by a buttload of water and an ibuprofen. Just one.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good! I'm on all of these supplements, as well as a prescription to get rid of my candida and a new thyroid hormone. So, I take six pills every morning, two in the afternoon, and two in the evening. I didn't feel quite together today though, as evidenced by the fact that I dumped my smoothie all over myself and had to run back inside to change my sweater and scarf, and that I forgot my meds at home that I usually take with lunch. I was also kind of foggy throughout the day.
But the most notable point of the day was something pretty big.
Just about everyone in my office knows this, but I scheduled a job interview for a promotion this morning. I'm super excited about it, and I think that it's going to be a really good transition for me if I get it. It will mean that things will change for me a lot at work, but I don't think that it would be unmanageable change.
Right.
I sent the email to confirm the time and then promptly FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
Over what, you might ask? Not the job interview.
OVER WHETHER OR NOT MY PANTS WILL FALL DOWN DURING SAID INTERVIEW.
Read that again, friend.
I FREAKED OUT. ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY. THAT MY PANTS WOULD FALL DOWN. AT THE INTERVIEW THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE IN EIGHT DAYS ABOUT A PROMOTION.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially entered what I like to call the the Nuclear Meltdown Phase. During this phase, I feel irrational anxiety and get annoyed at absolutely anything. Lend me a pen? Eff you. Hold the door open for me? Just get out of my way. Eating something that I can't? YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE MY GENERAL VICINITY RIGHT NOW. I need to push the button on the Apple remote too many times? Clearly throwing it will fix it, so I'll consider it seriously. Also, anything that I could be anxious or impatient about? I get anxious and impatient about it.
ANYWHO. Where did this pants revelation come from? A rational place, actually.
You see, all of my pants are too big. I lost inches too quickly to do anything about it, and now none of my pants fit. Before you freak out at me and give me the finger in your head, know that I KNOW THIS IS A GOOD PROBLEM TO HAVE. I GET IT. But I was a the doctor's office (wearing pants that fit GREAT a week ago!), and I got up from the chair and could feel my pants start to fall. Like, to an inappropriate point. I very quickly pulled them up and my doctor laughed and said, "yeah, that's a common problem for beginners here. No worries!" BECAUSE SHE'S AWESOME.
So of course, the seed was planted. OF COURSE IT WAS.
Sigh.
I'm hoping that eating will help, but I know that it won't. I just have to power through and leave my door closed at work A LOT over the next few days, as well as resisting the urge to just go into my bedroom and close the door and trap myself in there except to eat and fluorescent-yellow pee every few minutes. Because that's happening too.
This too shall pass. Eventually. I hope.
"This is only temporary", I told myself when I felt the switch flip this afternoon.
Those of you who have ever done the Whole30 know exactly what I'm talking about.
Those who haven't, just be glad you don't.
Because I did the cardiometabolic diet for almost 4 weeks before the elimination diet, I think I went through the whole first phase.
Then I started the elimination diet and I went through phase one on steroids the first day. Until I got to the grocery store. Then I couldn't stop looking at all of the foods I couldn't eat and feeling resentful of that woman picking up that bag of Goldfish because WHO THE EFF IS SHE ANYWAY.
Tuesday morning, I woke up with a headache that was very quickly remedied by a buttload of water and an ibuprofen. Just one.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good! I'm on all of these supplements, as well as a prescription to get rid of my candida and a new thyroid hormone. So, I take six pills every morning, two in the afternoon, and two in the evening. I didn't feel quite together today though, as evidenced by the fact that I dumped my smoothie all over myself and had to run back inside to change my sweater and scarf, and that I forgot my meds at home that I usually take with lunch. I was also kind of foggy throughout the day.
But the most notable point of the day was something pretty big.
Just about everyone in my office knows this, but I scheduled a job interview for a promotion this morning. I'm super excited about it, and I think that it's going to be a really good transition for me if I get it. It will mean that things will change for me a lot at work, but I don't think that it would be unmanageable change.
Right.
I sent the email to confirm the time and then promptly FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
Over what, you might ask? Not the job interview.
OVER WHETHER OR NOT MY PANTS WILL FALL DOWN DURING SAID INTERVIEW.
Read that again, friend.
I FREAKED OUT. ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY. THAT MY PANTS WOULD FALL DOWN. AT THE INTERVIEW THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE IN EIGHT DAYS ABOUT A PROMOTION.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially entered what I like to call the the Nuclear Meltdown Phase. During this phase, I feel irrational anxiety and get annoyed at absolutely anything. Lend me a pen? Eff you. Hold the door open for me? Just get out of my way. Eating something that I can't? YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE MY GENERAL VICINITY RIGHT NOW. I need to push the button on the Apple remote too many times? Clearly throwing it will fix it, so I'll consider it seriously. Also, anything that I could be anxious or impatient about? I get anxious and impatient about it.
ANYWHO. Where did this pants revelation come from? A rational place, actually.
You see, all of my pants are too big. I lost inches too quickly to do anything about it, and now none of my pants fit. Before you freak out at me and give me the finger in your head, know that I KNOW THIS IS A GOOD PROBLEM TO HAVE. I GET IT. But I was a the doctor's office (wearing pants that fit GREAT a week ago!), and I got up from the chair and could feel my pants start to fall. Like, to an inappropriate point. I very quickly pulled them up and my doctor laughed and said, "yeah, that's a common problem for beginners here. No worries!" BECAUSE SHE'S AWESOME.
So of course, the seed was planted. OF COURSE IT WAS.
Sigh.
I'm hoping that eating will help, but I know that it won't. I just have to power through and leave my door closed at work A LOT over the next few days, as well as resisting the urge to just go into my bedroom and close the door and trap myself in there except to eat and fluorescent-yellow pee every few minutes. Because that's happening too.
This too shall pass. Eventually. I hope.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
A Love Letter to Frozen Fruit
Dear Frozen Fruit,
Imagine my dismay when I opened the freezer yesterday and you were gone! Oh, how I missed you so. You add so much to my grainy orange smoothies every day, and I look forward to our time together each morning.
Alas, I made the decision to skip my smoothie yesterday in your absence. Also, because I missed my smoothie, I also missed my multivitamin. So, that sucked.
In order to make sure I didn't miss my smoothie today (and I was too busy cleaning the living shit out of my house for the first time in three months today to go out and retrieve you), I simply had my smoothie mix with ice and water. Rather, not so much had a smoothy, but gagged through it. I felt your absence DEEPLY.
I missed you, frozen fruit. When we were reunited this evening, what a joyous occasion it was!
Never leave me again, frozen fruit.
(I mean it. Ever.)
XOXO!
Ryan.
In other news, I go back to the doctor tomorrow, and we go over my blood test results. I also start the elimination diet. I'm pretty nervous about all of it. There are also other things that I'm nervous about tomorrow (LIKE MEETING ABOUT MY ARTICLE AND SETTING SOME DEADLINES HOLY CRAP), but those are less nerve-wracking.
Anywho, in the meantime, I eat take-out from Five Guys as my last non-elimination-diet meal for a while.
We shall see how everything goes!
Imagine my dismay when I opened the freezer yesterday and you were gone! Oh, how I missed you so. You add so much to my grainy orange smoothies every day, and I look forward to our time together each morning.
Alas, I made the decision to skip my smoothie yesterday in your absence. Also, because I missed my smoothie, I also missed my multivitamin. So, that sucked.
In order to make sure I didn't miss my smoothie today (and I was too busy cleaning the living shit out of my house for the first time in three months today to go out and retrieve you), I simply had my smoothie mix with ice and water. Rather, not so much had a smoothy, but gagged through it. I felt your absence DEEPLY.
I missed you, frozen fruit. When we were reunited this evening, what a joyous occasion it was!
Never leave me again, frozen fruit.
(I mean it. Ever.)
XOXO!
Ryan.
In other news, I go back to the doctor tomorrow, and we go over my blood test results. I also start the elimination diet. I'm pretty nervous about all of it. There are also other things that I'm nervous about tomorrow (LIKE MEETING ABOUT MY ARTICLE AND SETTING SOME DEADLINES HOLY CRAP), but those are less nerve-wracking.
Anywho, in the meantime, I eat take-out from Five Guys as my last non-elimination-diet meal for a while.
We shall see how everything goes!
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Letting the Urgent Crowd Out the Important
Me: "Want to do dinner later?!"
Best Friend: "I know you are busy today!"
Me: "I don't want the urgent to crowd out the important, and you are important to me. What time do you want to go to dinner?"
I spent some good, quality time with some of my favorite people last night. It's my favorite kind of self-care, and it's one that has been sorely lacking in the past few months.
Today, I grade 15 papers. Well, 12, actually.
But last night, something just...I don't even know. IT CLICKED.
I have been so busy that I have started to set aside the really important stuff - my friends and the things that make me actually, genuinely happy, or my health, be it physical or mental, in favor of dealing with a bunch of papers to correct, or 20 case notes, or fretting about my article that I haven't even started writing yet, or stress in my family, or my impending licensure, or any other amount of shit that is just thrown at me on a constant basis.
Sometimes, I need to just stop the train, even if it feels like it's running away. When that happens, I realize what I've done, and stuff starts to come out in the people around me that I was missing.
In the past, I have felt guilt about this, as it happens quite a bit.
Last night on the way home, I felt something different. Something drastically shifted. I said out loud, "I'm going to ask more questions. When I get a gut feeling, I'm going to pay attention to it." Because that's what happens - when I am so focused on the past or the future and I get a gut feeling about what is happening NOW, either with me or what I think might be happening with someone I care about, I ignore it! The urgent crowds out the important. My job feels urgent. Teaching feels urgent. Family stuff feels urgent. This is hard to admit, but my friends, my marriage, my health, the things I enjoy, they all get ignored a lot of the time in favor of the urgent.
Of course, making this shift consistently, particularly in my job, is going to be hard. The urgent crowds out the important all the time in my job. If I have a clinical emergency, I have to cancel other appointments to deal with it. If I have paperwork or other administrative shit to do, I can't build relationships with my amazing colleagues, and I can't build relationships with the people in the systems in which I work. In my personal life, though, I think I'll have a much easier time. I think I've reached a tipping point about this, and it's time to just push myself over the edge.
My own internal voice has shifted from beating myself up to "it's only forward from here" recently, and I'm not sure where that came from. What I can tell you is that thinking this way feels A LOT better than beating myself up. This stuff, the present, is the important part. How I'm feeling now. How the people important to me, like genuinely important, are feeling and doing now.
Huge and abrupt shifts in my thinking can be overwhelming because I never know, as an entirely future-oriented person (thank you anxiety), what the outcome will be. But, the great thing about staying present is that the outcome doesn't matter. Que sera, sera, if you will. I think it's well past time to throw some caution to the wind and just figure it out as I go along (instead of always trying to be 10 steps ahead), like every other damn human on this earth is trying to do. Who knew I wasn't a superhero or some kind of clairvoyant? Not me, apparently.
Best Friend: "I know you are busy today!"
Me: "I don't want the urgent to crowd out the important, and you are important to me. What time do you want to go to dinner?"
I spent some good, quality time with some of my favorite people last night. It's my favorite kind of self-care, and it's one that has been sorely lacking in the past few months.
Today, I grade 15 papers. Well, 12, actually.
But last night, something just...I don't even know. IT CLICKED.
I have been so busy that I have started to set aside the really important stuff - my friends and the things that make me actually, genuinely happy, or my health, be it physical or mental, in favor of dealing with a bunch of papers to correct, or 20 case notes, or fretting about my article that I haven't even started writing yet, or stress in my family, or my impending licensure, or any other amount of shit that is just thrown at me on a constant basis.
Sometimes, I need to just stop the train, even if it feels like it's running away. When that happens, I realize what I've done, and stuff starts to come out in the people around me that I was missing.
In the past, I have felt guilt about this, as it happens quite a bit.
Last night on the way home, I felt something different. Something drastically shifted. I said out loud, "I'm going to ask more questions. When I get a gut feeling, I'm going to pay attention to it." Because that's what happens - when I am so focused on the past or the future and I get a gut feeling about what is happening NOW, either with me or what I think might be happening with someone I care about, I ignore it! The urgent crowds out the important. My job feels urgent. Teaching feels urgent. Family stuff feels urgent. This is hard to admit, but my friends, my marriage, my health, the things I enjoy, they all get ignored a lot of the time in favor of the urgent.
Of course, making this shift consistently, particularly in my job, is going to be hard. The urgent crowds out the important all the time in my job. If I have a clinical emergency, I have to cancel other appointments to deal with it. If I have paperwork or other administrative shit to do, I can't build relationships with my amazing colleagues, and I can't build relationships with the people in the systems in which I work. In my personal life, though, I think I'll have a much easier time. I think I've reached a tipping point about this, and it's time to just push myself over the edge.
My own internal voice has shifted from beating myself up to "it's only forward from here" recently, and I'm not sure where that came from. What I can tell you is that thinking this way feels A LOT better than beating myself up. This stuff, the present, is the important part. How I'm feeling now. How the people important to me, like genuinely important, are feeling and doing now.
Huge and abrupt shifts in my thinking can be overwhelming because I never know, as an entirely future-oriented person (thank you anxiety), what the outcome will be. But, the great thing about staying present is that the outcome doesn't matter. Que sera, sera, if you will. I think it's well past time to throw some caution to the wind and just figure it out as I go along (instead of always trying to be 10 steps ahead), like every other damn human on this earth is trying to do. Who knew I wasn't a superhero or some kind of clairvoyant? Not me, apparently.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Asking for Support When I Need It
The hands-down hardest part of self-care for me is asking for support when I need it.
Today was a hard day at work. Like, really hard.
There are days when I don't know how I'm ever going to be effective at my job, and today, at various points, was one of those days.
But here's the great thing about where I work: it's the most supportive place I've ever worked, from my director to my clinical supervisor to my colleagues. When I ask for support, it's there. When I don't ask for support and I know I need it, it's there. When I don't ask for support and I don't even know that I need it, it's there.
So, when I ended up in my clinical supervisor's office in tears from the frustration of the morning, she was there. In clinical supervision when I was talking about my frustrations, I was heard and validated and given the opportunity to figure shit out, and I was given ideas that I hadn't even thought of.
When the day was done, my supervisor and my director were both there, asking me how the rest of my day went. They waited for me.
I left work this afternoon after a day like this feeling good. There was nothing to process and mull over on my drive home because I was so supported throughout my day, so I was able to clear the mental decks as I drove out of the parking lot and leave it there.
Now if someone could start correcting papers for me, that'd be awesome. :) My semester ends this week, and one of my students told me yesterday that they voted for me for the Instructor of the Year award at the place that I teach. So, that's pretty awesome, even if I don't understand how it came to be that I was nominated. Rob reminded me that all it takes is reaching one student and I think I might have done that, but to be in the final running feels strange, particularly because I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of a buttface to my students. I have to be a buttface somewhere, and school is where that happens. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched.
Anywho, everything else is going pretty great at the moment. I'm ready for summer break, and after Saturday (and then after the second week of June), I'll be back in the office full-time. I'm pretty excited!
Today was a hard day at work. Like, really hard.
There are days when I don't know how I'm ever going to be effective at my job, and today, at various points, was one of those days.
But here's the great thing about where I work: it's the most supportive place I've ever worked, from my director to my clinical supervisor to my colleagues. When I ask for support, it's there. When I don't ask for support and I know I need it, it's there. When I don't ask for support and I don't even know that I need it, it's there.
So, when I ended up in my clinical supervisor's office in tears from the frustration of the morning, she was there. In clinical supervision when I was talking about my frustrations, I was heard and validated and given the opportunity to figure shit out, and I was given ideas that I hadn't even thought of.
When the day was done, my supervisor and my director were both there, asking me how the rest of my day went. They waited for me.
I left work this afternoon after a day like this feeling good. There was nothing to process and mull over on my drive home because I was so supported throughout my day, so I was able to clear the mental decks as I drove out of the parking lot and leave it there.
Now if someone could start correcting papers for me, that'd be awesome. :) My semester ends this week, and one of my students told me yesterday that they voted for me for the Instructor of the Year award at the place that I teach. So, that's pretty awesome, even if I don't understand how it came to be that I was nominated. Rob reminded me that all it takes is reaching one student and I think I might have done that, but to be in the final running feels strange, particularly because I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of a buttface to my students. I have to be a buttface somewhere, and school is where that happens. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched.
Anywho, everything else is going pretty great at the moment. I'm ready for summer break, and after Saturday (and then after the second week of June), I'll be back in the office full-time. I'm pretty excited!
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