Pathological Demand Avoidance

Let's talk PDA for a moment, shall we?

No, not that PDA.

This PDA.

You know what one huge thing that I've been doing for myself for the past year and a half or so? Learning about ADHD. Not that I didn't know a lot about it already, but when I got the diagnosis after having it for almost 43 years, my motivation to know more about it got deeper in a really important way.

That's when I really started to dig in and learn about things like Pathological Demand Avoidance and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, both hallmark symptoms of ADHD as it presents in women, as it pertained to me instead of trying to constantly intellectualize it.

I have to say, this one blew my mind. I've been doing this my entire life.

Basically what it boils down to is this, at least as it pertains to me:

I have this list of things to do. It may be a large list, it may not be.

None take a ton of time or are super demanding of my overall coping or any other kind of skill objectively, yet I can't do any of them. At first I thought it was The Impossible Task and for sure in a time in my life, it definitely was, but absolutely not anymore.

Upon reflection the last few times this has happened to me, there's one thing on that list that taxes my capacity. I'm never conscious of it, but I have to sit and look at my list and tune in HARD to my internal feedback.

When I find that one thing is beyond my capacity, whether it's that it's too hard for me mentally at that time, or I just don't have the patience to do it, I name it. I acknowledge the stuckness without judgment as well as my avoidance of LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE.

Once I have been able stop myself and stop the judgment of myself (an equally important task), I figure out how to do the task in a way that is not overwhelming, I do it, then I feel better, get myself caught up easily, keep myself caught up, and then I get blocked by something else.

This has been happening to me a lot over the past few weeks, and I finally figured out what it was this time. I was behind on notes, I was behind on cosigning, I was behind on administrative work of every stripe you could think of. Then I sat with it, and you know what it was?

You're going to think it's dumb. It both is and isn't.

I had a boatload of checks to deposit and because using the app and making online deposits is such a giant ass-ache, I didn't want to do it. No joke, the last time I tried making a deposit via the app, it took me almost an hour to deposit four checks. I absolutely hate it. I get so frustrated that I become flooded, and I hate feeling that way, so I avoided. And avoided. And avoided.

As I realized this was the task I was avoiding, I realized that there was a different way. The closest branch to one of my offices is about 10 minutes down the road and I had a free hour the other day (because I clearly wasn't doing anything else), and so I was like "You know what? I'm getting it done. I'm going to the branch in person."

It took two minutes.

The most important part of this was that I did it without an ounce of judgment. I didn't sit there and beat myself up that I had eighteen checks to deposit. I didn't sit there and make fun of myself. I actually patted myself on the back for finding another way and getting it done. And let me tell you, the size of that dopamine flood...

I think I've stumbled on a hack for myself, and you know what? I've shared it with every person I know who has ADHD in the hopes that it can help them too. 

Taking the time to educate myself about my symptoms has been a game-changer, and it has made me more mindful. I refuse to be the neurodivergent person who says "Oh, I can't do this because I have ADHD" or "My ADHD is why I'm like this." No. Do I need to heal from some stuff that has been caused by my ADHD? Absolutely, and that's a work in progress and probably always will be. But I absolutely outright refuse to use it as an excuse to avoid my responsibilities. When you're neurodivergent, it's not about just throwing up your hands and being like "WELP GUESS I'M GOING TO NOT FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN FOREVER AND EVER BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT." It's about finding how we fit into the neurotypical framework (which shouldn't exist, by the way, because neurotypical is the exception and not the norm...soapbox for another day) in a way that works for us. Will my way work for everyone? No. But the beautiful part is that I don't expect it to. It doesn't have to generalize to other people. It just has to work for me.

Ok. Now to go do some knitting because now I actually can because my to-do list for the day is completed. I have a sleeve to finish and then I'm done the bulk of a sweater that I'm knitting. I'm so stoked about it. (I'm also trying blocking for the first time with my knitting...we'll see how it goes. Yay for new things!)