Friends, I got myself a Kitchenaid mixer this weekend. I had given my old one to my mom, and definitely not wanting to take it back (she needs to make her magical cupcakes even if I can't eat them!), I just decided to bite the bullet and get one, especially since I had gift cards and it'd be super cheap (like half the price) and exactly what I wanted. (This is related, I promise.)
Perhaps also, it's no surprise that I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. Like, verge of tears all yesterday and giving myself some time to eventually just cry it all out for a little while kind of overwhelmed. It's a new semester, Rob is about to go back to school, my caseload has ramped up again, we have a new puppy, and Miles is really starting to show his age (although he has more stamina than the puppy, so maybe not?). He broke a tooth, which is going to result in some surgery within the next week or two to be sure, which I'm already afraid of because he's nine and I'm not sure how he'll tolerate it, so, I'm just stressing about it. Plus I have the second half of my EMDR training coming up in two weeks, and I'm just...tired.
Since the semester has started, teaching-wise, I'm finding myself setting goals around being as communicative as possible with my students because I've fallen short in previous semesters and I really want to be better about it. I also want to get my grading done in as timely a manner as possible. I know that everyone is overwhelmed and as a result (at least in the program that I'm teaching), more understanding, which is a blessing because I know that not everyone is that way. I know that I'm harder on myself than any of my students would even think of being, but still. I want to be better about it.
That being said, I had this shiny new mixer and I have also set the personal goal for myself to master gluten-free vegan bread and desserts by the end of 2020. If I can do that, I can be gluten-free forever (which is good, because I kind of have to be). I really, really want to bake some bread. I also have grading to do, which I don't want to do, because I want to bake bread.
So, when I was in grad school, if there was an assignment I really didn't want to do, I would give myself some motivation to do it by giving myself a prize at the end. For a while, it was candy. For a while, it was hanging out with friends, or going to get myself something nice. This is what it was, mostly. Candy was just a nice stepping stone, as it always is. I also did this at the end of each term - just for getting through it, I'd get myself a balboa sub and a beer at my favorite local restaurant. Sometimes I'd go out by myself, sometimes with others, but it was a four-times-a-year tradition where I was like "all I have to do is get through it. By just reaching the end, I'll get it, no matter how the semester turns out." Then if I got the grades I wanted, I'd get myself something extra, but I needed a proverbial carrot. I tried managing myself with the proverbial stick for a really long time and all that ended up in was me barely graduating college and being so much worse for the wear than I could have been. That rigidity and being so hard on myself is also what kept me in a major that I shouldn't have been in and barreling forward in a career that I knew deep down I didn't want, and it's not lost on me that I could be 9 years younger right now career-wise if I'd just gotten my shit together and majored in psychology like I actually wanted to. Beating myself up was not getting me anywhere, and I made the intentional choice to do it differently in grad school. It paid off in spades because I learned a much more valuable lesson - one of self-compassion. If I couldn't sit down and write that paper today, that's ok, but no carrot. I would get the carrot when it's done, no matter when that happens.
I lost sight of this tactic when I started teaching - it just didn't stick for some reason. So, I resorted back to the stick method as a teacher and as a counselor, and it wasn't getting me anywhere but closer to burnout and farther away from the motivation that I needed. When COVID hit, I was so rigid with myself because I wanted to have as much stability as I could for my students and my clients, and if I couldn't do that, I was failing, even though it was a really hard situation for me too. I just wouldn't (not couldn't - I'm fully aware of how willful this was and still is) acknowledge my own hardship.
This has been a really hard summer. Probably one of my hardest overall. What I love about fall is that it's this chance for all of that to fade away in order to clear the way to start anew. It's my favorite time of year, and I can't wait for the things that I learn along the way as I cultivate these renewed habits.
Also hanging out with these two adorable and sweet buddies won't be so bad either. :)
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