Six Weeks.

Six weeks was what it took for me to go abruptly off the deep end. HARD.

I had been trucking along. I was doing telehealth, I was teaching online, and though it was hard, I was getting through it.

Then the last two-week stretch of the semester started.

Grading papers between seeing clients.

A lot of time at my computer on days where it was beautiful outside and noticing myself starting to feel resentful.

More time at my computer.

I'm not sure where the switch flipped, but Monday morning I woke up with a splitting headache. I was looking at a 10-client day, and I thought to myself that I couldn't do it. But I got up, showered, threw in some laundry, started the dishwasher, flossed very carefully, actively avoided coming upstairs, but when I did, I went about my day and I saw those ten clients.

Then it happened again Tuesday morning. I was looking at 10 hours in front of a computer again. I had the same routine as the day before, doing all I could to put it off. Wednesday, more of the same.

I'm not sure where the tipping point came where I said to myself that I couldn't do another day of this. Maybe it was an email from a student that made me lose my patience. Maybe it was a meeting or two running over because I said I had to go and that was the point at which people started asking a million questions. Maybe it was those referrals coming in that I know I can't take. Maybe it was the sheer number of no-shows that I had on Thursday and I was annoyed. I don't know.

But I shut off my computer on Thursday night after my last session was done and said to myself quietly that I was going to cancel my appointments on Friday and take the day off. I didn't quite mean it at that point, but when I woke up on Friday morning, I sure as hell did. I was near tears at the idea of spending another full day in front of a computer, of spending half the day grading and then the other half seeing clients. I just did not have it in me. I had lost the mental space to do any of it. It was like I was painting a floor and all of a sudden I had one tiny spot that I could stand on left.

I have tried everything I could to take care of myself over the past six weeks. I've kept up with my diet. I've put myself on an information diet because I just can't take the news right now. I've started crocheting a new blanket. I've kept our house (mostly) clean. I've made time to enjoy myself and really significantly reduced screen time whenever I can (which is not a lot lately). I've also tried everything I could to take care of others over the past six weeks. I was officially out of juice. My cup was emptier than it had been for a long, long time.

I cancelled all of my Friday clients without guilt, and then I sat on my couch, crocheted, and watched TV all day. I also left the house to run a few errands for the first time in almost a week. I ate pizza with ham on it and I loved it, and found gluten free crust in manchester that was not hot garbage. Then, the headache that had been nagging me all week was suddenly gone when I got up yesterday. I was set to grade all day yesterday, and I got a few papers in, and then I put that away too. I was in no mental space whatsoever to do all of the work before me. I'm still not sure if I'm able to do that, but I'm going to do a few and keep trying and if I can't, I'll make the conscious choice to take a break.

I've realized that what I need to do for myself at this time is have patience with myself. If I can't have it for myself, then I definitely can't have it for anyone else. Also, if I can, then that patience will tell me that it's ok to take a few minutes to get my head on straight. It's ok that I don't have full 60-minute sessions with my clients because that's a really long time to sit in front of a computer, for both of us. It's ok to spread out my schedule a little bit more to give myself some breaks in the day. It's ok to not take those referrals and start that waiting list. It's all ok.

I'd been giving my patience, so much of my patience, away to others. It's ok that you missed that appointment. Of course it's hard to tell what day it is. Of course if you need to miss class it's ok. I had been turning a grand total of none of it inward.

What this sixth week has taught me is that I need some too. It's ok for me to make changes to my schedule. It's ok for me to take a vacation the week after the semester ends (which I am 1000% doing.). It's ok to take a few minutes and unpack that box. It's ok to plan paint colors for my kitchen and living room instead of grading that paper or writing that note. Get out of your house, if only for a few minutes. That's ok too. When your husband is outside working and wants you to take a break for a few minutes so he can show you what's under the concrete slab in your back yard that you hate, it's ok to go outside and check it out and be overjoyed for a few minutes that it's actually dirt under there and you CAN make yourselves a backyard because of it. All of it is ok. Every bit.

We're finally starting to set down our roots in this house, and I am loving that. But, I haven't been able to pay as much attention to it as I want. I've been hard on myself as a result, and it's time to let that shit go. We're going to be here a really long time, so I have time. I don't have to keep this train running all the time. I can slow down, but it absolutely, 100% has to be an active choice. I haven't been making the active choice, and it has cost me a lot over the past few weeks. I haven't backslid in my burnout recovery, but I have seen new burnout start to emerge, and I'm not liking what I'm seeing, so it's time to do something different. The good thing is that I have so much time at home now and in some ways I'm doing so much better with my anxiety that I can recognize it before it becomes a huge problem and force myself to stop. I'm listening to that internal feedback so much more now than I used to - it tells me a lot, and I'm finally paying attention. I think the important part is that I'm also negotiating with it less. There's no "ok, but seriously, could I work Friday and then take the rest of the weekend off and not grade or do anything, even though that will cause more stress later and I probably won't do that either?" My body tells me that I need a break and I take it. It's actually pretty straightforward when you get into the practice of it. :)

And, I did not burst into flames. It's amazing how much I thought I would spontaneously combust from doing something different, and none of it has happened. Miraculous, right?!