My problem is that these amazing opportunities come my way and because they’re so amazing, I have been completely unable to say “this is a great opportunity and I deeply appreciate you considering me, but I can’t.”
Even when I literally can’t. Even when there is no more space to crowbar something in. “I’ll stay up until 2am several nights in a row to help put the finishing touches on a regional conference that I’ve been helping plan for the last eight months, sure!” Or “of course I’ll co-author that article!” or “sure I’ll take on that third class this is only temporary and won’t happen again, right? So I might as well take this opportunity to do something I love since it will only come once!” (Spoiler alert: when you agree to do more, that generally becomes the expectation and doesn’t just happen once. This lesson has smacked me in the face at so many points in my life that I can’t even begin to count them. Feel free to learn from my mistakes and just don’t do it in the first place. I won’t even get into how much we set ourselves up for failure by saying yes all the time. A soapbox for another time, maybe.)
Just wanted to give you the magnitude of the problem so that you can understand the gravity of something I did yesterday.
On Wednesday, I got an email from my research mentor. He’s writing a research design textbook for doctoral students and wanted me to coauthor a chapter.
I have never once in my life said no to an opportunity from this man. Shit, if he asked me to babysit his kids, I’d probably say yes. I have worked with him every chance I’ve gotten, because we just get each other. There’s some weird stuff going on around him professionally that I don’t understand and try to stay out of, which is great because he and I have enjoyed a wonderful professional relationship for the past seven years. We trust each other a lot and work really well together, is my point.
Side note: was I really finishing up my first term of grad school seven years ago around this time? Weird. ANYWAY.
So I sat with it. And then I sat with it some more. I really wanted to figure out a way to make it work.
It should be noted that I’m going through some Big Professional Transitions right now. I’m not going to say any more about that because I don’t have the first clue what it will even look like, but things are Happening and I’m overwhelmed and my term is ending and I have a final to write and 32 papers to grade and final grades to post and student monitoring forms to write in the next week and a half. Then I have to write the syllabus for a new class I’m teaching. Holy shit is right, fren.
Through all of this, I sat with his offer. In my brain, I tried to find a way to make it work. I looked at the stuff he sent me. I looked at the deadlines he proposed. I worked through in my brain how I might be able to make it work.
I couldn’t. There was just no way. So I said no.
For those of you who know me really well and also read this blog, read that again, frens.
This has been a big summer for me. I took two weeks of vacation in July and while I was out, something just...snapped. I realized two things:
1. My professional life does not need to take up so much space in my life or be so hard, and
2. It’s that way right now because of my own choices. No one moved the chess pieces to look like they look right now except for me. My students may have written those 32 papers, but shit. I wouldn’t have this much to do if I wasn’t trying to cram two ten-week classes in this summer. I’m the reason that I haven’t been able to leave my house this summer because I’ve had so much work to do. I’m the reason that I feel like I can’t escape the pile of work. It’s me.
Is that going to change anything in the immediate term? Probably not. But, I truly believe that this summer was a tipping point. I’ve been railing against this idea that we are what we can produce for so long when it comes to everyone...except me. My actions have COLOSSALLY not lined up with what I preach. So, I took another step in the right direction and I am very relieved to say that I did, in fact, not burst into flames. I did not ruin this relationship with this man that I respect and admire just for saying no to one thing.
Moreover, I will not get myself fired just for trying to scale back my workload or take some time for myself. I will not get in trouble for insisting on a lunch break every day and setting less permeable boundaries around that time. (Yes, all of these were problems before I went on vacation and are things that I’m actively and intentionally working on now.)
One day, FOMOP will be a thing of the past for me. I’m certain of it. For now, I just keep taking these steps and remember that it’s for the betterment of my own mental health at its core, which has to be among my top priorities or I have nothing professionally. (Personally either, really.)
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