You know how you need to go shopping for new clothes and mentally, you're still the same size as you were before your shape changed? I went into my job search the same way I always have because I still operate under the assumption that I should do that - I'm still green, I'm not as competent as maybe some of these jobs require, and so I need to go for all of it; the reaches, the safety jobs, all of them. This makes sense because while I had to apply for the jobs that I have now, I've been in the same agency for five years. Before applying for this agency, the last time I applied for a job where I didn't know anyone was 2011, before I even started grad school. So, I was still stuck in the "I don't know what I want and also I'm not super competent or confident so I'll apply for everything" mindset, which is actually no longer accurate, and shockingly so. As a result, I started throwing as much at the proverbial wall as I could muster and seeing what stuck. I looked at what might be a good fit and that I might be interested in, and instead of saying "maybe I should call HR or talk to someone and ask the questions that I have" and approaching this job search like a responsible human, I just went for it and put in my CV in three different places: One that I knew that I was a slam dunk for, one that would be a good fit, even if not a perfect one, and a HUGE reach. One of them (the slam dunk) was in community mental health, and the other two were for group private practices.
Right.
That resulted in four job offers: one at my current agency, and all other three, including the huge reach, offered me jobs. Really effing good jobs. Jobs so good that I was like "They're not really offering me this. This can't possibly be true." All of these happened within a couple of days of each other, so I had a good while to sit in utter denial before I had to make a decision, and frens, that's exactly what I did.
To say that was overwhelming (and if I'm being 100% truthful, totally shocking) would be an understatement. I talked to friends, I talked to family, I talked to colleagues (who are also my friends), and I stewed and stewed and stewed. It was literally all I could think about. I was sitting in supervisions and meetings and it was in the back of my mind. I was sitting with clients and it was in the back of my mind. If I decided to leave my agency, how would that impact them? My sense of loyalty to this organization and to my team is pretty significant, and this was not a decision that I could or wanted to take lightly. (Also, who's going to move all of this shit that's in my office? There's quite a lot. That was a very prominent thought.)
When I stripped away the loyalty that I felt to my team and really got down to the meat of where I needed to sit while considering my options, I centered on the spot inside of me where my own values exist. I looked at my values as a person, my values as a counselor, and how that might inform what it is that I actually want. As I struggled with this, I realized that in order to make this decision, I needed someone neutral who knows me well, but also works in a similar field, and that I care about their opinion (that sounds like I'm a little bit of an asshole. I'm fully aware.). I had four GREAT options, all of which I would be lucky to take. My FOMOP had to take a back seat, because I clearly can't take all four, so I had to choose, which I'm horrible at overall, never mind with Big Stuff like this.
Then I knew what I had to do: sit with one of my best friends from grad school, one who will never hesitate to tell it to me straight and help me, if not make a decision, then to at least help me shake something loose. She works in the field, she's known me for going on 6 years now, at various points we have worked closely together, and she doesn't work in private practice or in community mental health (that last one was super important), but still works in the field. She gets it in a way that I need and will be able to take all of the shit that comes with making a decision like this into account, including looking at it objectively because she doesn't work within the environments that I'm looking at. (For the record, I can't even talk to my therapist about it because she used to work at the agency that I'm currently working at. Is she neutral and is her job to help me figure it out for myself? Of course. However, she's also human and this is a part of her history. For the record, she was SUPER excited for me and helped greatly ease my anxiety about it, which is fantastic.)
Friends, let me tell you. You NEED a friend like this in your life. If you don't have one, find one. I talked through all of my options with her. The good and the bad of all of the options, the risk versus reward, the money, the client work, all of it. The conclusion that we came to is "yeah, this is a really hard decision." But I clearly left with more than that, because I woke up the next day and was like "This is what I'm doing." I'm sure the wine spritzers also helped. :)
What I discovered as I have unpacked this whole mess that I had gotten myself into is that for me, it comes down to fear, as it always does. I've seen private practice therapists fail. I've seen private practice therapists go bankrupt. I've also seen private practice therapists do so much good and make a ton of money doing it. Going into private practice is risky and if we do it the wrong way, it's both expensive and disastrous for us, but also (more importantly), for our clients. What I also know about myself is that I could easily, easily have a second master's degree in Avoidance - the amount of stuff that I avoid because I'm afraid would stun you. I'm shocked sometimes that I even HAVE a master's degree, because I was so wracked with anxiety about it going in that I wasn't even sure I could START, much less complete it. Yet here I am.
A little bit of my fear was mitigated because both of the private practices that I applied to were group practices. One rejected about 100 referrals a month, and the other is growing and growing and growing. They both are, really. Both involved full-time clinical work (and by full-time, I don't mean Community Mental Health Full-Time with a caseload of 45-60. I mean four days a week, a reasonable caseload, and the ability to leave my work at work.). As I sat with my values, I started to realize the thing that was infinitely more important to me than the other stuff - that I want to be a counselor. Full Stop.
Has being a supervisor been fulfilling? Absolutely. I have found my two most trusted colleagues in my entire career from being a supervisor, and I know that these women will be lifelong friends and colleagues (and if I can get them to leave too, I have this vision that the three of us will start a group practice called Feisty Ladies Counseling Agency, but that's another story for another day.) I have also experienced being on a cohesive team with some of the most dedicated professionals I have ever met. Seeing the growth in my supervisees and watching them expand their skills and seeing how it has helped their clients has been some of the most fulfilling work I've ever done professionally. So, in short, if I was going to make the decision to leave this team, it had better be for a really good effing reason.
And yet, I knew in my heart that this amazing experience was only second fiddle to being a full-time counselor. The growth we see in the therapy room is nothing short of miraculous sometimes. Sometimes we sit with our clients for sometimes years at a time and see only small growth, sometimes we see growth in big spurts, sometimes we don't see growth, and everything in between. We sit with someone's pain, and we may be the first safe person they actually encounter. If we are able to sit with people in their pain and their growth and their victories and their failures and have it all happen in the safety of the container that we create as therapists, then it's incredibly gratifying work. A colleague once asked me where I found my joy, and it's this. It's not that I didn't find joy in being a supervisor and working with an INCREDIBLE team of people, because I definitely did, but it looks different. Could I help a bigger volume of people in my supervisory work? You bet. But that's not where my biggest strength is, and it's not where I do my most compelling and fulfilling work. As a person, I've always been better at the one-on-one. Indirect work can be difficult because you're not directly seeing your impact. You're not always directly seeing your impact as an individual therapist either, but there's something more compelling about direct work to me.
So, I've finally, finally made my decision and have told the people I need to tell in order to feel comfortable making it fully public. I'm going with one of the group practices, the huge reach. Will I experience some anxiety with this transition? Of course I will. No question. But I think ultimately, it's the right choice. It has also started to shake something loose in me and I have been looking at ways that I can actively pursue further training in certain areas, like play therapy or eating disorders. Plus I'll be able to keep teaching, which was really, really important to me. I was having doubts about being able to continue with teaching after this summer because it was so hectic with two classes, but if I go with the group practice, the flexibility in my schedule will allow for me to teach because I'll be in the office less.
The only difficulties that I see potentially for myself are:
1. I won't get paid right away (which I'm hoping I'll be able to stave off by easing out of my agency and into the private practice in a few different ways and I don't know exactly how it will shake out yet, but it will) - this is only temporary, so it will be manageable.
2. I'm going to have a lot more free time. When I told my therapist that I was making this decision, you know what her immediate response was, I mean, without even thinking? "You're going to go crazy with all of the free time you'll have in the beginning. DON'T FILL IT." (Yeah, after 6 years with her, she's definitely got my number.) I definitely think this is going to be an adjustment. There won't be the constant pressure to produce and if anyone is putting it on me, it's me putting it on myself - I know that this is usually the case, but community mental health is a different beast. But, the thing that I'm the most excited about around this? Yoga classes. Maybe some knitting classes or joining a running club. More time to be active in ways that are meaningful and enriching to me. More time to take care of myself in ways that I really need but can never seem to be able to carve out for myself. I'm already making a list of stuff I want to do and I'm super excited.
But most importantly, I'm ready. Like, Shopping for Chairs and Office Furniture and Toys and Games and Super Excited kind of ready. I go to my orientation on September 16, and I go to pick up my keys on Wednesday and start to move stuff in dribs and drabs and my last day in my current role is October 18. And of course, in the middle of all of this transition, I’m going to Seattle to attend and present at a national conference. NBD.
My timing has never been that great, has it? Oh well. It always works out in my favor somehow. Here I go!
