Right.
So there's this whole side of my family that I don't ever mention. Like, to anyone. It's because I usually get weird looks from people who didn't realize that I actually had these people in my life. At first it was because I felt pretty deep resentment toward them. Now, i just feel nothing because they are such a small factor in my life that they don't even enter my radar. They're all on my dad's side, and I'm pretty sure those friends closest to me learned of their existence at my wedding festivities. I remember my in-laws asking why they were so isolated and didn't talk to me or anyone else at my bridal shower, and feeling weird about it, but also knowing that this is just how they are and I didn't really have a choice in inviting them. If I had, I would not have invited them.
My sister's wedding celebration 2 years ago and her baby shower back in February was pretty much the last time I saw any of them, and before that, the last time was my wedding in 2009, and I'm totally ok with that. Historically, these people have treated me like shit for what appears to be sport my entire life, no matter how hard I cared or tried to make them a part of my life. When I told one of them that I had just gotten my masters degree in something other than music, they were disappointed because now they wouldn't hear from their friends about how talented I am and what I was up to with flute playing. That was their response to this huge and positive life event and accomplishment that I had just told them about.
Right.
Now that I'm an adult and can make my own choices, my choice is to keep these people as far away from me as I can. They are the very definition of venomous, in my opinion, and I have done a lot of work in taking away the guilt behind cutting people like this entirely out of my life. They didn't know that I went to grad school, they didn't know that rob and I bought a house - they had no involvement in The Big Stuff or the little stuff, and that is totally fine with me. This is actually the huge positive byproduct of having a whole side of the family that doesn't communicate with each other - it's safer because there is no access to emotional ammunition.
Anywho. Why am I telling you this, readers?
I finally had the choice to decline going to a family event because these people would be there and I took it. I TOOK IT. Do you know how weird that is? And huge and freeing and awesome?
The original plan for next weekend was that my dad, stepmom, sister, nephie, brother in law, me, and Rob were all going to hang at my sister's place on Sunday, also known as The Day Before My Dad Closes On The Sale of His House and Moves to Kentucky.
Right.
I got a voicemail from my sister yesterday saying that plans had changed, and they were moving the festivities to Saturday so that a whole bunch of people could also come up and also say their goodbyes.
All of these are people I just told you about.
Right.
I said thanks but we can't make it.
HAVING THAT KIND OF POWER FEELS AWESOME.
Do I feel guilty? Historically I have, but this time, No. If things other than geography were changing drastically, maybe. But they're not. Also, I already have a day at my dad's planned for Vacation Extravaganza 2017. We'll wish them safe travels then. And, I like the idea of getting out of dodge for the holidays sometimes, so maybe this is our reason this year or next.
This invitation decline is stuck in my craw for the moment, and I'm sure I'll figure out why, but the overwhelming sense I feel at the moment is sweet, sweet relief. So I'll just focus on that. :) this is a form of self-care that I consistently neglect, but it's what I need the most - to practice shedding that sense of obligation to people who only hurt me is the best feeling ever, and I need to do it way more often than I do so that I can finally tune into that side of me who needs nurturing and give that little kid inside of me what she actually needs instead of what she got. (Yeah, I've been doing a lot a lot a lot of inner child work in therapy. Totally ok with it.)
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