I just was talking to Rob about the prescription that was the result of yesterday’s appointment and he was like “I guess we should go to Costco and get a vat of this stuff.”
Me: “It’s a prescription.”
Rob: “They have prescriptions at Costco.” (Picture him saying it all haughty. It was hilarious.)
ANYWAY.
I went to an allergist last week for an appointment for which I waited five entire months. That was annoying but I’ve been here before, so I was ok waiting if it meant I’d leave with answers. In the meantime, I had a ton of gastric symptoms, and on the Thursday of Boston Medical Week, I finally had an acute episode begin and continue in a doctor’s office. She almost called an ambulance on me, but it subsided enough for me to function while I was there, so she didn’t.
I was hoping to get answers at this allergy appointment, and boy howdy did I.
You know what I’m allergic to? Get a load of this shit.
Nothing.
I’m allergic to nothing.
No foods, no perennial allergies, no seasonal allergies.
Then the question became: Then why am I so activated all the time? Why does it feel like my insides are actively trying to yeet themselves, or that I’m on the verge of sneezing literally 100% of the time, or that I have this rash on my face and arms all the time? Or my nervous system never, ever rests, ever? I’m not that stressed and I’m constantly having a stress response that is so far over and above what I should be feeling physically. Why is this happening? AND WHY AM I STILL GETTING MIGRAINES, and why have I been diagnosed with asthma twice, to the point where I was given an inhaler and other prescriptions that collected dust for so long that I threw them way eventually because I didn't actually need them?
It should be noted that my doctor named all of those things. Just rattled them off. Not me, and not as questions - as symptoms. He also added the cherry on top of “you’ve probably had a million sinus infections and been put on antibiotics your whole life, yeah?” If you’re wondering, this was my boiling point. I was getting visibly angry, which he noticed, and quickly veered to "Yeah, you get the point. Here's what we do about it."
Him telling me about this problem was literally the most glass-shattering moment I’ve ever had in my entire life. Five days later, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE MEDS WORK SO UNBELIEVABLY WELL, I'm still messed up about it.
Every single one of these symptoms that we discussed is connected as a neurological response.
He told me that it starts to ramp up at about 45, but if you’re neurodivergent, or you have some kind of other neurological issue, “like I don’t know, a brain tumor maybe?” (And then we had a good chuckle) it starts much earlier, and we have to stop the neurological reaction. Basically I’m not allergic to anything, but my brain is sending signals that I’m deeply allergic to all things, particularly my gut, so my body is reacting accordingly. My parasympathetic nervous system has constantly been activated, which sends my whole body into upheaval.
Basically all of these symptoms started to ramp up when I was in my very early 20s. You know what this man had the audacity to say to me? “Well, now we probably know when your brain tumor started communicating its existence.”
My response was the only one I had at my disposal in that moment:
“Please, Doctor. It’s Marvin.” (He cracked up that I named it.)
So, there’s an answer at the end of this question of "What do we do with this information", which is what keeps me from burning everything to the ground.
There’s a nasal spray. I take it anywhere from 1-4 times a day (It's looking like 3 is my magic number). It’s not a steroid - it blocks acetylcholine, which then allows the parasympathetic nervous system to stop misfiring at every small thing. You know what's happened since I started taking it?
1. Better sleep. (I thought I was already sleeping pretty decently. I was not.)
2. I have slowed WAAAAAY down.
3. My anxiety has nearly disappeared. Does my brain wander and chew on lots of things? Yes, but that's probably the least annoying symptom of my ADHD, so I'll take it.
4. I no longer have a constantly runny nose.
5. My rosacea? DISAPPEARED.
6. I can breathe better.
7. I have more stamina. I'm not exhausted at the end of my workday.
8. I'm not constantly on the verge of sneezing.
9. Existential dread? Normal amounts.
10. Stress? Minimal.
My (proverbial) gut has been telling me for YEARS that all of these weird symptoms are not right and there's something that connects all of them. I've been told by doctors to "stop chasing symptoms" and "here's another cream/gel/something that probably won't work" (just got another TWO during medical week!) and "you're a zebra. That's why you have these weird symptoms. We'll find answers, but there's no one silver bullet here."
In these instances, being right is not satisfying. It seems like it should be, but it's not. This time, I'm MARGINALLY more understanding because the symptoms that make up what's happening (I don't even want to call it a diagnosis - I don't think it actually is one) are weird to piece together, and I could see how they'd be perceived as not being connected. I ALMOST get it. I'll understand it all the way eventually once I'm able to chew on it more. But also, understanding it more will not allow for me to have less rage. I'm still BIG MAD and will be probably forever and I'm at a level of acceptance for that that's comfortable at this point.
At least now I can vent my rage through exercising because I now feel better enough to do that.
