The Convergence of Lots of Things

This has been a theme in my life the last week and a half or so. Just that “when it rains, it pours” feeling.

Last Monday, I had to have a client arrested at one of my offices, the person who is the reason I became a counselor died suddenly, and the husband of one of my really good friends was, I was sure, going to pass away in the following day or two. Also one of my employees gave their notice in a way that was…we’ll say not ideal and leave it at that.

That was just Monday.

The next day, my friend’s husband passed away, I was scrambling to get my shit together before class, and I was struggling with how I was going to do that given that this beloved professor of mine taught the very class I am teaching this summer. I’ve taught it before and realized even then that his shoes would be impossible to fill and was able to fully accept that, but this suddenly felt heavier.

Wednesday some other fuckery happened. I think I had that meeting with my functional medicine person.

Friday, I was in Boston. I came home, passed out, and also slept a lot of the weekend. I was totally tapped.

In that time, I ordered all of the supplements I needed, and they came yesterday. Also notable, I started with a new therapist yesterday. It was well past time - I’d been with my previous person for 12 years, and though this person changed my life and I will forever be in her debt, it was time for a new set of eyes. 

Anyway, I took these new supplements for the first time yesterday evening, went and taught my class, and then an hour later, was passed out in my couch. I got up, went to bed, and then proceeded to get the best night of sleep that I’ve gotten in a decade.

It made me wonder if the quality of my sleep has shifted so gradually that I didn’t even realize it was bad. That’s happened before, like when I woke up from brain surgery and realized I’d had a headache for 20 years that had built so gradually that I didn’t even realize I was in pain.

I know, on some level, that my sleep was bad. How could it not be with the drastic shifts in my hormones and my stress level over the past four years? I was generally getting anywhere from 5-6 hours a night and if last night was the bar I want to set for my quality of sleep, the sleep I was getting before was terrible. Abysmal, even. I got nine and a half entire hours last night, and the only thing that woke me up was my sleeping dog howling so loudly that he woke up all of us. I thought we had an intruder. We did not.

He also has really learned to turn on the melodrama. I think this one was when we wouldn’t take him outside for no reason.

(He does this with a pitiful, high-pitched whine. Poor bub. I’m pretty sure he’s doing it right now because I’m three minutes late with his breakfast.)

So, it could be the supplements. It could be the self-care. It could be the vocal surgery. It could be a combination. I’ll tell you that I feel closer to my old self than I have in four years as I adjust to my surgery, which will take 2-3 months.

What a relief.

Here We Go!

At my first appointment with my new functional medicine practitioner, we talked about a bunch:

Doctor: Wow. The on the symptom inventory, you scored a 106. 

Me: Ok!

Doctor:...you're supposed to be under 30.

Me: ...oh. Well I am a bit of an overachiever.

Doctor: HA! Yes. Also, that's happening because your immune system is RRRREEEEEALLY POed. We'll get bloodwork to confirm, but that's my Very Clinical Expert Opinion. (No I'm not paraphrasing. This doctor is actually that funny and down to earth.)

Me: I reckon you are correct. How much bloodletting are we talking here? Should I be waterloading?

Doctor: Lots, and I assume your veins are terrible because I can only imagine the number of times you've been poked over the past four years, so yes. Gatorade it up. Also we have to get you to eat more of the right things. And we HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO find out if you have celiac. Have to.

(I really like that she just...said that. Usually it doesn't occur to doctors that I basically got poked by needles for a living for three years.)

Me. Agreed! If I do in fact have celiac, I'm all in. I was gluten free for five and a half years and we were strict about having a gluten-free household. It's totally doable. I just need to know.

Doctor: Well...keep eating it for now, and we'll get you an answer with this bloodwork.

Me: Cool.

Doctor: But also start drinking smoothies again. Smoothies good. Skipping breakfast every day bad.

Me: I mean. I don't skip breakfast technically. I just eat it really late.

Doctor: Breakfast at noon is lunch. You're eating breakfast for lunch every day.

Me: False. I eat dinner at 8:30 or so every day so I eat breakfast late.

Doctor: ...sigh. Ok. We've got some work to do. Here are all of the blood, saliva, and stool test orders. I want to check your hormones, and I want to check your gut bacteria.

That day, we had a two-hour appointment, and then a week later, I had an appointment with a nutritionist. We're in the process of making a plan that can accommodate my shenanigans, both medical and just the shenanigans that are a result of how I exist.

Over the next six weeks, I did every bit of that goddamn testing. Even the part when I almost fainted when they took eleven giant vials of blood in one sitting. Ridiculous.

Yesterday, we sat down, and she said, "Ok. We have a lot of data. Let's be nerds for a bit and get some answers, yes?"

Yes, please.

In short, my gut is a mess, as is my stress response, as are my thyroid numbers, and they're all connected because of course they are.

I've been having thyroid issues since I was 16. In the past four years, my entire life has been turned upside down by thyroid cancer, the fear that comes with that, and also never being able to get my thyroid numbers under control. She explained to me in human terminology how my thyroid numbers work now that I no longer have said thyroid, something that had never been explained to me in a way that I understand.

So basically, I take my thyroid meds. It's all T4, which is fancy iodine. Then my body converts as much of it as possible to T3 and throws the rest away, and that stuff is Reverse T3.

My body, because my gut is such a mess, is not properly processing my thyroid hormone. My T4 is high because it has to be in order to suppress my pituitary gland, but it's not converting to T3 as effectively as it should be. I knew this but didn't have the information to back it up. In turn, the more out of whack my thyroid numbers get, the worse my gut gets. Then the worse my numbers get. Then the worse my gut gets. And on and on and on.

I've been stuck in this feedback loop for four years. This means unending and overwhelming fatigue. This means a total inability to lose weight. THIS MEANS GUT ISSUES THAT LANDED ME IN THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT FOUR TIMES IN 2024. This means my body not being able to handle stress the way it's supposed to. As a result, my nervous system is on the fritz, which makes literally everything harder. The second she said "I literally gasped when I looked at your bloodwork because you have the highest Reverse T3 I've ever seen," I knew that I had my answer right there.

The best part? She's going to talk to my endocrinologist so that I don't have to. He does what he's supposed to, which is make sure that my cancer doesn't recur and we have a plan in case it does, but that's literally it. He's also kind of a turd, so I don't mind only talking to him once a year.

Also amazing? "Don't do low FODMAPS anymore. It's not going to help. It may be getting rid of your IBS symptoms, but it's not fixing the problem." 

Good, because I quit even doing it badly months ago.

So I have some dietary stuff to look up because there are some temporary changes, but I'm definitively and confidently on my way to where I want to be.

Sweet Baby Jesus am I ready.