Friends, it has been a couple of weeks.
I had a...gastrointestinal episode that put me in the ER on July 3 into July 4. It was rough, and I was discharged with no answers, only anti-nausea meds and a bland diet for a day or two. It's either a kidney infection or colitis. I still don't know on July 16 at 6:30pm.
While the worst of it has subsided, the issue itself has not.
July 11, I had an appointment at 3pm because my PCP is not one of those who follows up after a person visits the ER, so that's a cool new thing I found out through all of this.
ANYWAY. I toodle into the appointment, and they were like "Oh hey, your insurance lapsed."
...what? No it didn't, but because I refused to self pay because my insurance is current, they turned me away.
Cool. I call my insurance, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield in case you were wondering and wanted to put them ALL THE WAY ON BLAST BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIBLE AND I AM NOT EVER GOING TO BE CONVINCED THAT THIS GLITCH WASN'T SOMEHOW RETALIATORY BECAUSE I'M A STRAIGHT UP ASSHOLE TO THEM FOR A LITERAL LIVING and Rob got involved, and they eventually got it figured out.
So, the next day, also known as my 44th birthday, they call me back to reschedule.
For the end of August.
The conversation went like this:
Medical Scheduler: Oh hey! We see that you got the insurance issue straightened out. Let's get you rescheduled. We have appointments next Thursday at the same time that you were supposed to be seen this week.
Me: No. I cancelled an entire afternoon of clients for an appointment I didn't even get to have, and I'm not doing that two weeks in a row.
MS: ...Ok. So. Then we have the end of August available.
Me: I'm sorry. What? Six weeks from now?
MS: Yes.
Me: Then no.
MS: But you visited the ER, yes?
Me: Yes.
MS: And you're still having the issue?
Me: Sure am.
MS: Then you need care. This needs to be addressed.
Me: Sounds like you all have a breakneck sense of urgency in six weeks to get that done. No thanks. I'll go to the ER again if it flares up again.
*click*
Friends, I'm not sure what happened in that moment, but I had this huge wave of insight and in that moment, going fully rogue on my medical care was the only viable option.
What came out of that was no more medical appointments in 2024. I had nine and I either cancelled or moved eight of them.
Annual skin check in August? Nope. Reschedule to March Medical Vacation Extravaganza.
Annual laryngology appointment and accompanying throat scope? They've already told me twice that my vocal capacity will not exceed 70% of what it was and that because I waited too long except oh wait I didn't but I wasn't able to get an appointment for eight months, I'm no longer a candidate for surgery. Do I need to hear that a third time? Sure don't. CANCELLED.
Dermatologist number three to do a face biopsy to figure out this rash once and for all? I've lived with it for 25 years. If it's lupus, tough shit. No one on my medical team gives a shit about it enough to give me an appointment less than 7 months in advance, so neither do I. CANCELLED.
MRI to check a cyst on my kidney that has caused me low-grade back discomfort for the past few years at least, and the follow-up appointment with my PCP about it? It's not going anywhere and I'm getting 3 MRIs during Medical Appointment Vacation Extravaganza, so nah. CANCELLED.
Annual colonoscopy and ensuing Lynch Doctor Appointment? I tried to schedule and they were scheduling thirteen months out and I'm due for it in October. Also, there is LITERALLY NO WAY that I'm filling my gullet with colonoscopy prep and then driving down to Boston. Also, the appointment is after my Lynch appointment at which we go over said colonoscopy. NOPE. NOT FIGURING OUT THAT CLUSTERFUCK. CANCELLED.
Also, I'm so unbelievably tired of the constant reminder that I'm a ticking time bomb for colon and digestive cancers. I'm trying denial for a little while instead of acceptance and seeing how that works out. I imagine I'll be able to ride this wave until my PCP gets back to me about the message that I sent to her about all of it. I sent it on Friday and have yet to hear anything, so maybe longer - when I see her in January will likely be the time.
My point is that I get all of this bloodwork, all of these ultrasounds, all of these MRIs, and I've gotten a grand total of bupkis for answers over the past year of my life, and I don't feel any better and no one is listening. I'm literally not going to waste my time and I deserve some peace.
I've felt so free since I cancelled those appointments that I don't even know what to do with myself. What it taught me is that sometimes going rogue is the best self-care possible. I've wasted too much of my 40s on this shit. No more. So, for my 44th birthday, I got myself an epic birthday present: peace. Peace is what I gave myself.
I have autonomy, I have options, and I don't have to be held hostage by this medical team that is not the least bit interested in giving me answers or helping me figure anything out.
Instead, I'm going to go live my life instead of existing between appointments or working too many hours.
T-minus 15 days until vacation. I can't wait.
