I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I think they're bullshit and from what I see from my vantage point, what ends up happening is that people who can't follow through with them, which is most of us, are left feeling less than when they give up the ghost on a goal that was likely unrealistic, but they couldn't admit that to themselves.
Instead, I set intentions. I start to figure out what I want to manifest the coming year.
Do you know what one of my favorite things is? Chaotic good. It's when someone is trying to do good, and the outcome is good, but hoo boy, the route to that good thing is...chaotic. Or maybe the good thing creates chaos. Either way, chaotic good is my jam. Anything that will flip the table on me and snap me into a better frame of mind is worth paying attention to, because that's hard to do in general.
So, my primary intention? Find the chaotic good.
Some examples, you say? Of course! My very first one, and it happened on like January 2:
I found this tea that I am absolutely WILD about. Chocolate Hazelnut decaf tea by my favorite tea company (Stash, if you're wondering. No this is not a plug for them, because that's not the purpose of this story, but in case you want to try some pretty amazing tea, there ya go. They have like a million flavors.), and you can order a gajillion of them on Amazon. So I ordered a box of 100, knowing that I was going to blow through it because hyperfixations, and I expected it to come maybe in 10 boxes of 10, or 5 boxes of 20, or some other neat way.
Nope!
What I got was this:
One hundred tea bags, packed like that. I laughed so hard when I opened the box that I needed a minute to not hyperventilate.
I still randomly laugh about it from time to time when I walk past it, because how do you even put tea away like this, so let's just keep it in the box since I drink like six cups a day of it anyway.
I also tried amigurumi last week, and it came out not terrible! My first project was a narwhal. I named him Eddie and his fins are uneven and his horn is HILARIOUS. I'm trying a unicorn next.
Also, the business that I run is chaotic good. Do I want to throw things at least once a day? Yes. But I also kiiiiiind of live for it. It's also gained the kind of financial stability that I've been hoping for over the last three months or so, and I went from "Am I going to make payroll this week?" to "Yes I can Pay Myself Fully and Consistently and I won't Bankrupt This Business" kiiiiind of abruptly, and I'm pretty relieved about that. We're also on an even keel at this point around how the day-to-day operations are happening; just gotta hammer out a few other very tiny things, and we're good to go. I'm trying hard not to manifest an office in the Lakes Region, because I DO NOT NEED a fourth office, and that's working at this point. The thought pops into my head daily, but I'm not going there right now. Three is enough at this point in time and I have no intention of opening any offices for at least three years, thank you.
My most recent chaotic good is my favorite, and they just keep getting better. Are you ready?
Seriously, hold on to your hat.
I just.
I was scrolling social media like I do, and up popped a video of a parent lip syncing to one of his affirmation videos. I was stunned for a minute when I realized that it was, in fact, Snoop Dogg, and the video mentioned that he has created a ton of content like this. Feel free to click on that link and enjoy.
I also think I had chaotic good yesterday? I tried float therapy. It's sensory deprivation while you float in warm salt water for an hour. Did I come alarmingly close to a panic attack and have to leave after 30 minutes? Yes. But it's also given me something to work on, and that's definitely...something.
Anyway. Over the next few weeks, I'll have less of a mental capacity to look for chaotic good, which tells me that I have to lean in and work harder to find it. Follow-up-palooza is happening in February and March (and starts right on February 2 with an audiogram to figure out why I randomly lose hearing in my left ear from time to time since the brain surgery and will likely end with an endocolonoscopy in April), and I become a pretty insufferable human during follow-up-plaooza. I try to give myself some grace - Brain MRIs are stressful. Thyroid and lymph node ultrasounds are stressful. Getting poked a million times to get blood taken or get contrast is stressful. Driving in Boston during morning rush hour is stressful. Of course, the self-validation is nice, but it doesn't lower my anxiety level. Self-care is literally the only option to help me during this time.
So, I decided that since my brain MRI is the week of February vacation, I'm taking that whole week off. Rob and I are going to see Hamilton that week too, so why not just lean into it and make my two days off five? Follow-up-palooza means ramping up the self-care, and I like that I know that and I'm not fighting against it finally.
I've also realized that self-care isn't supposed to be something that I fight against, but I have continually again and again and again. I mean, it's not torturous, or at least it doesn't have to be, yet I have historically resisted like someone's trying to get national secrets out of me or something. And I wonder why I get sick whenever I stop? Really?
I'll learn one of these days.
