Professional Self-Care

Two and a half weeks ago, I finally hit the tipping point that I needed in order to change my relationship with my work.

I was at my favorite conference, this year in Denver. I was primed with the following information as I was embarking on this trip:

1: At the last national one, in Seattle that time, I had just left my job with community mental health and was so burnt out that all I could do was surrender, and it ended up being one of the best conferences I had ever attended (see how we’re in trouble with expectations already?)

2: At the last regional one, last year, I was dealing with work issues and was not as present as I wanted

3: Work hounded me literally as I ran through Charlotte NC’s airport to catch my connecting flight. I literally almost called someone and yelled at them who under no circumstances deserved it. (I also lost an AirPod down a grate. WHO PUTS GRATES INSIDE. I will always hate this airport for more reasons than just this, but WE ARE OFFICIALLY SWORN ENEMIES FOREVER, CHARLOTTE AIRPORT.)

4: Before two Fridays ago, I was the only one responsible for running payroll for my company.

5: I worked LITERALLY until the time I had to leave for the airport on the day I left for my conference. I then opened up my laptop the second I got settled at the airport.

Ok. You’re fully primed.

I get to my hotel at 1am Denver time and shower immediately, because COVID and also I just do that after I fly. Planes are gross. Hop into bed around 2 (so if you’re keeping up with the math, it’s 4am according to my circadian rhythm, so I’d been up for 23 hours) and plan to get up at 8 so that I can get to registration and start my favorite conference, and run payroll first, which I do on Thursday mornings.

Nope! Payroll system was down.

I contact my person at our payroll company, who is apologetic and also has no idea what’s going on. I keep trying. Then I run out and run a few errands because it “should be back in just a couple of hours”. I come back, still nothing.

Payroll was due by the end of the day and it was quickly approaching.

For those counting, I hadn’t been over to the conference yet, and it was about 2pm MT.

At that point I was like “ok. If it’s down and won’t be back for a few hours, I’ll go find a yarn shop,” and that’s exactly what I did.

Came back, still nothing.

Cancelled dinner with my colleagues.

Still nothing.

8:30pm, it finally ran.

By this point, I had come to a few realizations:

1. I was in no state to be around people

2. I can’t detach from work and that has suddenly turned from a Big Problem to a Herculean Problem

3. I need to leave Denver as soon as possible.

I still had a presentation. So, I changed my flight to leave directly after it and got in around 1:30 on Saturday morning instead of what was supposed to be 24 hours later. In this time, I sent an email to my three most trusted people at work and said, “Something is changing or I quit. Literally quit.”

I spent my entire flight home planning. I let my staff know that I would not be working the whole next week. I needed some time off, genuine time off, and I also needed to figure this out.

I came back to NH and had meetings. Strategized. Planned. Got organized. Most importantly, rested.

For the first time, possibly ever, I went into a make-it-or-break-it moment in my work determined to make it better because this particular job is worth saving. I was determined to change my circumstances and not me because that was what needed to change and for the first time ever, I was in a position to change them instead of quitting.

So that’s exactly what I did. It was probably my most significant moment of self-care since becoming a counselor.

What do I hope this looks like?

Cutting my schedule down by at least half.

Getting my weekends back.

Staying caught up.

Focusing on the things that actually matter.

This whole week has been offloading my responsibilities, and I have to tell you, it has been nothing short of terrifying. Put another way: Trusting other people is terrifying. But, I’ve gotten back into the habit of leaning into that feeling. What’s this really about? Why am I so scared of this? I trust people all the time in my job. I have to. In order to let people grow, I have to trust them to do the work. So why is this such a sticky wicket? I sat back and really actually listened to my anxiety instead of just indulging it. The answer was, of course, not rational. Something about patterns repeating and my needs will not get met and my business will fail. None of it was rational.

I’m still sitting with this and now that I know what my anxiety is saying, I can continue to train that midbrain, because there is quite literally no evidence that my admin staff is not trustworthy. It’s already working, by the way.

The reason? They have better boundaries with my anxiety than I do because they’re not experiencing it. They probably spend more time telling me they’ve got what I’ve asked of them and that I can take my hands out of it now please than they should, but that’s already getting better. It’s an adjustment, to be sure, but one that’s been necessary for over a year.

Then I went to this training this weekend. I’ve been to it before and can always count on getting a lot out of it, because the presenters are always amazing. This year was a bit different because there was a new presenter, so I was a tiny bit nervous, but I trust the people putting on the training to have good people presenting the information.

It was a game-changer. I was present for the whole fucking thing. I was engaged with the presenter and the material, I had hugely important moments of insight, and though I am going back to work today and I am super tired, I go back armed with really important ways to either tweak or validate what I’m doing and how I approach things. I feel more professionally confident than I have since I opened this business, and my ideals are as strong as ever.

Most importantly, though, I’m unstuck. I was in some really difficult and toxic patterns, and because of my position, no matter how much I talked about them, the change had/has to come from me and I have to be ok with that. I have to constantly reassure myself that the onus of this change being on me is for my own well-being and that this is how I’m breaking the toxic cycle of taking all of the responsibility for all of the wrong things, and that this isn’t like the patterns in my personal life where I’m the one doing all the work because no one else is - that’s not true here.

I feel better. I finally feel better.

Wow.

I’ve been obsessed with a particular make and model of a car for…we’ll say several years. I bought it yesterday, and here are some things I said to myself throughout the process, which has been over several months:

“No way will I ever be able to afford it.”

And then I started making enough income to pay off every cent of my credit card debt. I had a lot. It will all be gone by this time in April.

“No way will I be able to get them to sell me this car for under $40,000.”

I’m…we’ll say very persuasive and a good negotiator and I had a Very Good Education that taught me how to be a master manipulator (by the way, I'm on an active crusade to de-load that word because it’s flung at people as if it’s a character flaw and we all do it. Every single one of us. Soapbox for another time.). As in, I used my favorite counseling skill and when they were doing the hard sell on sticker price, I told them my price and just…sat in silence. Want to see someone squirm in general, especially when they’re trying hard to tell you something? Just sit. Wait them out. Then, when they were trying to give me The Package (you know, how they do) at the end, they were all, “here are these amenities. See how pretty they are? See how pretty this car is? If you opt in it’ll be an extra $200 per month.”

Nope! And also, that door-in-the-face technique is BLATANT and must be super effective.

“Ok. Let me play with some numbers.”

Ok. And I just sat in silence while the person simultaneously squirmed and punched in numbers on their keyboard, not saying a word. It’s hilarious how uncomfortable people are with silence.

“Oh my god. I can give you that whole package and your payment will go up $8 per month. How did that happen? I have no idea how that happened.”

That’s right. Eight dollars a month down from two hundred on a warranty THAT EVEN COVERS MY TIRES for the next seven years, and unlimited miles. 

Also, I know how that happened. I’m not someone who can be fleeced and I knew that $8 per month was still a little high but I took it anyway. That’s how.

“People are going to think I’m entitled and privileged.”

First, I am. Full ownership. I had the privilege enough to walk into a car dealership and drive off in a Mercedes GLA 250 and had the hubris to negotiate exactly what I wanted. Have I have historically Thought Things about people who drive luxury cars? Yes. Not for a long while, but I had a definite phase in my very early life. A definite one.

“This car is too much.”

For some godforsaken reason, it doesn’t stick with me how much I drive. I drive to Boston at least three times a month, often more. I drive up to Plymouth once a week. I drive to all of my different offices on a regular basis. I looked at leasing, but unless I wanted to have my monthly payment go up by NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS PER MONTH, it was out of the question. I bought The Blueberry new, and I will never do that again, even though they totally gave me more for it than I owed. A lot more. And it had 65,000 miles on it. Not bad overall, but I also bought it about 10 months before COVID hit. Before that, I put, on average, 40,000 miles a year on my cars. (My top number was 55,000 one year. Yeah, I was in grad school and commuting 110 miles a day round trip five days a week.)

So, I have this beautiful new-to-me car in my driveway now. The only thing left is to get over my fear of being judged (both by myself and others), which will come with time, I hope. I don’t feel bad about buying it, but I know I’ll feel awesome about it when I can stop justifying why I bought it and rest in the idea that it was a smart decision.

And adjust to the learning curve, because there’s a very large one with this car and also I can use it like Siri and say “hey Mercedes, I’m cold” AND IT WILL HEAT UP MY SEAT. AND THE SEATS AUTO ADJUST TO HELP ME GET IN AND OUT EASILY AND ALSO WHILE I’M DRIVING SO THAT I DON’T FALL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL. (That’s never been a problem for me, but it’s nice to have that safety in there.)

Do I know how to turn it on and off and put it in the correct gear? Kind of. I’m learning. It took me three tries to shut it off last night because screw key fobs, but I’ll get there. Also my car has an app now. I fully expect to get in my car and be all, “what is all of this shit?” When I get in because that’s how I do, but I’ll get there.

Vestibular Migraines and New Information

Last week's chaotic good?

My ENT appointment.

As I mentioned before, I have been occasionally experiencing total hearing loss in my left ear. It lasts a few days, is sometimes a little painful, and is always accompanied by dizziness, but not to a debilitating degree. I talked to my neurosurgeon about it since it's been happening since my brain surgery. She wanted to get an audiogram to make sure that it was nothing to do with my hearing (and it isn't - but then again, I was not experiencing one of these episodes during the audiogram.)

As with all chaotic good lately, I didn't have to look for it because it presented itself immediately. I was in my appointment with my ENT, and he asked what was going on. You know my answer?

"I unapologetically use Q-Tips to clean my ears. This is not that." Good thing he was wearing a mask, but I'm 90% sure that if I had seen his entire face, he would've been scowling. I definitely heard a heavy sigh and when I called him out on it - as in, "I heard that heavy sigh" and he laughed - he said, "I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is for your ears." My response? "Nope! But that also won't stop me. Also I was cleaning my ear out with a Q-tip yesterday, and I hit something and it was so painful I had to sit down for a minute and almost blacked out."

He did a...we'll call it thorough exam of my ear canal. All the while talking in general about Q-tips. He definitely wanted to get the point across that under no circumstances should I be cleaning my ears out with them.

Message received. Still doing it. Just did it this morning, as a matter of fact.

We then had a rather humorous conversation about cranberry juice and I told him that if it was Meniere's disease, I'd choke it down every day if I had to. I effing hate cranberry juice. I also made the point that when I called him about this issue a few months ago and was told to drink said cranberry juice, that was hands down the weirdest medical advice I'd ever gotten, and he chuckled and was like "yeah, I get it."

During this discussion, he asked me some very thought-provoking questions and took a more thorough migraine history than any doctor I've ever had (yes offense, neurology team). I was confused why he was asking these questions, and so I asked! You know what he said? "Migraines don't just go away, Ryan. Your body changes, as yours has drastically over the past two years, and they shapeshift. But they don't just go away. I think you are having vestibular migraines."

I hadn't even put it together, but the pattern fits. I get them about as frequently as I was getting migraines before my brain surgery, and while the pain isn't there and the light sensitivity isn't either, I have a hunch that he's right based on the symptoms he rattled off about vestibular migraines.

Do I like this theory? I absolutely do not. I thought I hadn't had a migraine in four months, yet I'd had this problem about 11 times in that time period. His solution is a tricyclic antidepressant, oddly enough, but it's also used to prevent migraines. So, we're going to try that for a little while and see what happens.

In other news, this week's chaotic good was that my voice healed from the botox and the flu and the gross. I definitely belted out Lizzo in my car yesterday on my way home from work and I'm so stoked that I can't even. I won't overdo it. Yeah, that's a lie. This is the first time I've had a full voice in a year and a half, and I'm taking it for a ride until the filler wears off in a month and a half or so.

There's also my hair (which is so ridiculous and I currently look like Gilda Radner, but I absolutely love it) and the fact that there was a bat in one of my offices yesterday, and life has been full of shenanigans that are funny even when they're not funny.

This chaotic good thing is going to work out just fine.

Chaotic Good

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I think they're bullshit and from what I see from my vantage point, what ends up happening is that people who can't follow through with them, which is most of us, are left feeling less than when they give up the ghost on a goal that was likely unrealistic, but they couldn't admit that to themselves.

Instead, I set intentions. I start to figure out what I want to manifest the coming year.

Do you know what one of my favorite things is? Chaotic good. It's when someone is trying to do good, and the outcome is good, but hoo boy, the route to that good thing is...chaotic. Or maybe the good thing creates chaos. Either way, chaotic good is my jam. Anything that will flip the table on me and snap me into a better frame of mind is worth paying attention to, because that's hard to do in general.

So, my primary intention? Find the chaotic good.

Some examples, you say? Of course! My very first one, and it happened on like January 2:

I found this tea that I am absolutely WILD about. Chocolate Hazelnut decaf tea by my favorite tea company (Stash, if you're wondering. No this is not a plug for them, because that's not the purpose of this story, but in case you want to try some pretty amazing tea, there ya go. They have like a million flavors.), and you can order a gajillion of them on Amazon. So I ordered a box of 100, knowing that I was going to blow through it because hyperfixations, and I expected it to come maybe in 10 boxes of 10, or 5 boxes of 20, or some other neat way.

Nope!

What I got was this:

One hundred tea bags, packed like that. I laughed so hard when I opened the box that I needed a minute to not hyperventilate.

I still randomly laugh about it from time to time when I walk past it, because how do you even put tea away like this, so let's just keep it in the box since I drink like six cups a day of it anyway.

I also tried amigurumi last week, and it came out not terrible! My first project was a narwhal. I named him Eddie and his fins are uneven and his horn is HILARIOUS. I'm trying a unicorn next.

Also, the business that I run is chaotic good. Do I want to throw things at least once a day? Yes. But I also kiiiiiind of live for it. It's also gained the kind of financial stability that I've been hoping for over the last three months or so, and I went from "Am I going to make payroll this week?" to "Yes I can Pay Myself Fully and Consistently and I won't Bankrupt This Business" kiiiiind of abruptly, and I'm pretty relieved about that. We're also on an even keel at this point around how the day-to-day operations are happening; just gotta hammer out a few other very tiny things, and we're good to go. I'm trying hard not to manifest an office in the Lakes Region, because I DO NOT NEED a fourth office, and that's working at this point. The thought pops into my head daily, but I'm not going there right now. Three is enough at this point in time and I have no intention of opening any offices for at least three years, thank you.

My most recent chaotic good is my favorite, and they just keep getting better. Are you ready?

Seriously, hold on to your hat.

Snoop Dogg made a Youtube channel called "Doggyland" and it's full of kids' songs and affirmation videos for kids. 

I just.

I was scrolling social media like I do, and up popped a video of a parent lip syncing to one of his affirmation videos. I was stunned for a minute when I realized that it was, in fact, Snoop Dogg, and the video mentioned that he has created a ton of content like this. Feel free to click on that link and enjoy.

I also think I had chaotic good yesterday? I tried float therapy. It's sensory deprivation while you float in warm salt water for an hour. Did I come alarmingly close to a panic attack and have to leave after 30 minutes? Yes. But it's also given me something to work on, and that's definitely...something.

Anyway. Over the next few weeks, I'll have less of a mental capacity to look for chaotic good, which tells me that I have to lean in and work harder to find it. Follow-up-palooza is happening in February and March (and starts right on February 2 with an audiogram to figure out why I randomly lose hearing in my left ear from time to time since the brain surgery and will likely end with an endocolonoscopy in April), and I become a pretty insufferable human during follow-up-plaooza. I try to give myself some grace - Brain MRIs are stressful. Thyroid and lymph node ultrasounds are stressful.  Getting poked a million times to get blood taken or get contrast is stressful. Driving in Boston during morning rush hour is stressful. Of course, the self-validation is nice, but it doesn't lower my anxiety level. Self-care is literally the only option to help me during this time.

So, I decided that since my brain MRI is the week of February vacation, I'm taking that whole week off. Rob and I are going to see Hamilton that week too, so why not just lean into it and make my two days off five? Follow-up-palooza means ramping up the self-care, and I like that I know that and I'm not fighting against it finally.

I've also realized that self-care isn't supposed to be something that I fight against, but I have continually again and again and again. I mean, it's not torturous, or at least it doesn't have to be, yet I have historically resisted like someone's trying to get national secrets out of me or something. And I wonder why I get sick whenever I stop? Really?

I'll learn one of these days.