Phew. Hormone replacement therapy is no joke. I started out on the Estradiol patch, which is the best way to get estrogen because it's bioidentical.
It turns out my body REALLY REALLY REALLY doesn't like estrogen replacement that isn't bioidentical. You see, I was on basically the lowest dose in the patch form right after my surgery, and it would work great for a few days and then just...wouldn't. I'd get hot flashes, but most of all, I'd get murdery. This would start every Friday, and then last through Sunday, and then I would change the patch on Mondays, and then the mood cycles would start all over again. I had to give it six weeks, and I gave it a bonus seventh week because I apparently can't quit my OBGYN-Oncologist.
ANYWAY. I called him and he was all, "We're going to switch your HRT to Premarin and it's a pill" to which I said to myself (and to him) that I'm terrible at taking pills and that I likely won't be able to take it consistently because of this fact, and he was all, "let's just give it a try."
Sigh. Fine.
I actually did pretty ok with it...for two weeks. Then I was pushed off of some kind of emotional cliff. I had some stressful stuff happen both professionally and medically within a couple of days of each other, and I just...suddenly could no longer handle it. Any of it. In short, I unabashedly lost my shit for about two weeks, and then I had a lightbulb moment one random Sunday. Maybe it's the estrogen. I was handling all of these transitions and this medical stuff like a champ until I VERY SUDDENLY wasn't. Something biological changed, and that was literally the only thing I could identify. I also got my first genuine migraine in two and a half months and I was PISSED about it.
So, because I apparently still can't quit my OBGYN-Oncologist, I called again a couple of weeks ago. I was all, "Please switch me back to Estradiol. I have become a murdery insane person who can't stop sweating." The nurse was all, "Are you sure it's not the hot weather?" and I was like "UM I WEAR SWEATERS WHEN IT'S 90 DEGREES OUTSIDE. It's not the hot weather." (Yes - if you saw me that day at my swanky new office, I was absolutely, without a doubt, wearing a sweater over my dress.)
I'm positive it's the placebo effect, because he both increased my dosage AND has me now change patches twice a week instead of just once. Bless this man and his very attentive ears and brain and face. I feel so good that I could kiss him on his married mouth. I'm also less overwhelmed, and I'm able to focus and I actually checked a bunch of lingering stuff off of my to-do list. It's super awesome. I'm also genuinely tired instead of hormone tired, and for once, I laughed. Like, genuinely laughed at something I found funny instead of feeling perpetually uncomfortable and omg is it going to show how awful I feel and everything sucks and I am back at pre-therapy-level Ryan with my moods and who's going to notice and UGH EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.
Speaking of everything being terrible, there's this thing about the rule of three that has stuck with me for a very long time. If one or two things happen, even if they're not for you, there's always a third thing. Pet loss? I hold my breath whenever two friends lose pets. Illness? Absolutely, you bet I'm stacking on the vitamins.
So OF COURSE there's a third medical thing, because of course there would be. I would never hope a medical thing on anyone else so I'm pretty happy it's happening to me instead of someone else, but still. There's a third thing.
About five years ago, I went out on a boat with some friends and got sunburned on exactly half of my face. Literally, you could draw a line down the middle of my face and the left half was sunburned and the right half was not so bad. I thought it was the direction that my face was in the sun (which makes no sense in hindsight whatsoever, because I was in the middle of a lake - so there was no way that my whole face was not toward the sun the whole day), it healed, and I moved on with my life.
Then about six months after that, I started running again and started noticing that that same half of my face would turn red! Did I get sun damage on half of my face, I wondered? I felt a little pressure on the left side of my head, but it was weird. I brought it up to my doctor and they were like, "Are you in any pain?" and when I said no but I felt a little pressure, they were like, "Then it's no big deal" and let it go. Yet it kept happening.
Then I switched PCPs, and they also dismissed it.
Then I switched PCPs to who I have now, and they are Colossally Not Dismissive, and so when I had a med check a few weeks ago (and a few days before it, I went for a run and it was worse than ever - I looked like Two Face - and so I snapped a selfie and sent it over the patient portal to them), they were like "Let's get you a brain MRI to make sure there's nothing weird going on."
Great! We can get a clean MRI back and I can move on with my life, right?
Nope.
When my doctor called me with the results, her first words were, "Before I tell you the results of your MRI, I need to tell you that 85-90% of these are benign, but even if they are, they need to be addressed."
Shit.
I have a meningioma above my left frontal lobe. From my copious amounts of digging, what I can gather is that it's caused by one of two things: Hormone imbalance or head trauma. Unless this has been growing since I was 12, the head trauma is out, which leaves hormone imbalance, which makes sense given how much better I continue to feel after the hysterectomy. Regardless, I've been trying to get in with a neurologist, which is the next step, but have struck out time and time again if I want to get in before September. So, I'm going to Massachusetts at Brigham & Women's, and I'll be able to get in hopefully in July. The next step could be one of two things: Either surgery, at which point they will break open my skull, remove it, and then stitch me back up, or radiosurgery, for which they'll use targeted radiation and both cut off the blood supply and shrink it. Surgery will leave me out of work for weeks, radiosurgery for a couple of days, so put me under that gamma knife, baby.
But for now, I wait while eating pasta salad, getting adjusted to my new office, and then getting my thyroid removed in three weeks.
But, as soon as I have a course of action, I'll know that this chapter will be closing. It has to at some point, right? (Yes. The answer is yes.)
