It's an interesting question, I think. At what point does resiliency turn to just flat out ignoring your feelings about what's going on? There's definitely a line there and I know that for me, I don't even know that I've crossed it when it has happened. But, once I realize I've crossed it, it's MUCH harder to get back into that adaptive mindset and allow myself to grieve appropriately about the change.
The long and short of it is that I've been doing that with this diet change for the past year and a half. When drastic things like that happen to me, and they have a couple of times, I just look at what's next. I don't give myself time to process that it sucks. Another time that I did this was when I broke my arm. I didn't allow myself any time whatsoever to figure out how I could handle it emotionally. I did the same thing when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's. In fact, I remember when I broke my arm, one of my friends was like "wow. You just bounced back as if nothing happened. You are so resilient!" NOPE. I JUST IGNORED MY FEELINGS. I was stressed about the damn snow for the rest of that winter and even if there are a couple of flakes on the ground even now, on go the winter walkers. BUT I'M FINE. REALLY FINE.
I think this is coming up for me now because I've felt a big dip in my motivation to continue with these diet changes. They're necessary and they're permanent, and I've been in denial of this fact the whole time. I've also had some really bad reactions to stuff I've eaten over the past month or so (both expected and not - there are times where I've consciously eaten something to which I know I'll have a bad reaction just to keep others from feeling uncomfortable), which impacts my mental health anyway, which was already in a more tenuous space than I was allowing for in the first place. But, when I feel a dip in that motivation, the core feeling is what does it matter? It's not like this is permanent. Also, whenever I'm trying to intentionally trying to make a big shift, that thought of what does it matter? (insert something to challenge the healthy and adaptive desire or behavior or thought juuuuuust enough to keep me from making the change I want to make) I've been teetering on feeling the tidal wave of grief that comes with changes this drastic. And it all started in therapy this morning when I was talking about how I just want to be able to make a cake from a mix and that I'm POed that I can't and I JUST WANT TO EAT CAKE AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS BIG DAMN THING AND WHY DO I HAVE TO GO SPEND A JILLION DOLLARS ON GLUTEN FREE FLOUR AND EGG SUBSTITUTE. (Literally. Like, my therapist touched on it VERY lightly for her style and I just...burst into tears and all of these gross feelings started coming out. Gross. I'm super mature about my own feelings. I can tolerate others' feelings until the cows come home, but mine? NOPE.)
I have celiac disease. These diet changes are permanent. These are facts. I am intolerant to eggs and several other foods, including cane sugar, and I simply shouldn't and can't eat them and expect to have no reaction. Also facts. The change also happened literally overnight even though I knew somewhere deep down that it was coming. The softer stuff, like I can't really eat breakfast out at a restaurant anymore, I have to spend a large amount of time looking up stuff that I can eat before we ever go out to a restaurant, and I feel anxious about cross-contamination whenever I DO go out to a restaurant, and that all of these things are now my reality are also facts, but ones that I've outright refused to look at without the lens of denial in front of all of the rest of it, among other stuff. Have I gotten frustrated at times? Yes. I believe those were the denial shattering for even a tiny fraction of time, but I still wouldn't look at the grief that was beneath it even in those times.
It's this weird paradox, isn't it? I've accepted reality so hard core that it has kept me from fully accepting the reality of my health situation. The first step in this is, for me, acknowledging that all of these changes happened so quickly, and that it was JARRING. I think what happened was that I was knocked squarely out of my reality and the denial has only served to make me think (falsely) that the answer is to do my damndest to claw my way back into it instead of allowing myself the space to make a new reality in the face of all of this new information, grief included, which is what needs to happen. While my health is certainly better than it was a year and a half ago without a doubt, I also know that I still have a long way to go. Generally, I'm told, once a person has celiac and other food intolerances, it takes 2-3 years for their gut to fully heal and to fully shut down the inflammatory response, and that's when they do everything right to the letter every single day. Which I don't because I'm in denial about it. But let me tell you, the last month has been TELLING. I have been MISBEHAVING PROFUSELY diet-wise and gained about 49 pounds (not really, but it feels like it) and felt as badly as I did when I started this diet consistently for 30 days. The Glass of Denial, she is shattered. I'd like to blame it on turning 40 instead of my irresponsibility, but I know for a fact that's not true, because I've only been 40 for four days. And, it's not like a frigging switch flipped at 2:30pm on July 12. That's not how it works.
So, here's the other thing. In EMDR training, we have consult sessions once every three weeks or so. I had it right after my therapy session today and THANK GOODNESS it's over the phone because I was a little bit of a mess BUT GUESS WHAT HE SAID THAT STRUCK ME SO HARD IT ALMOST KNOCKED ME OUT OF MY CHAIR. He talked about Resensitization instead of Desensitization, and that sometimes that happens. Sometimes we shut ourselves off emotionally to something so drastically that the function of EMDR is actually to get us to feel it. (And of course, that's been what has happened to me because the case he was talking about was mine - I've been letting a colleague with no clients practice on me and that's what has been coming out - I've been annoyed severely by certain things and haven't been able to make sense of it, and he just connected the two dots this afternoon - thanks EMDR consultant!)
Sigh. It's all part of the journey - I know - but sometimes it's a struggle. The best thing I can do is keep swimming, even when it gets difficult and know that I'll reach acceptance of things at some point, even if that point is Most Definitely Not Right Now.
