It’s Here!

Three years, one month, and 28 days of graduate school. One thesis, 63 credits, countless papers, and reflection until all I could do was basically vomit words. Also, some of the best mentoring anyone could ever ask for.

Two years, one month, and 21 days of supervised clinical work, an exam, stress, tears, and worry. 

It’s been really fucking hard, and my process was easy compared to that of others who have walked the same journey. But you know how much of it I regret? None. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it.

I apply for licensure tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s legit more exciting than the day my diploma came in the mail.

I can’t WAIT for this process to be done. The last few weeks have been...stressful, I think is the word I’m looking for? And I think that knowing that this has been coming is the reason why. The amount of relief I feel after checking all of my stuff a fifth and final time to make sure I have everything is more than I expected. I’m going to EAT THE SHIT out of a Balboa sub when my license comes in the mail, gluten intolerance be damned. It’s just a necessary part of the tradition. 

After tomorrow, we wait three weeks, give or take. The meeting in which this will be decided takes place on November 17, so hopefully I won’t be waiting too long.

Here we go!

Listening to Myself

I've been struggling lately.

I'm beyond overwhelmed at work, I just took on a third class for reasons passing understanding, I'm working through some really difficult things in therapy, and I'm just...having a hard time.

Lots of different things have happened lately as well, including some shit with my family that is making me question whether they even respect me at all, and I'm finally leaning into the "no" that is resounding in me and responding accordingly. Rob is not doing so great right now as a result of it either, and that's hard for me to sit with as well.

Regardless, I just feel heavy. Everything is hard, and I get overwhelmed really easily, and I'm irritable. I'm not a very easy person to be around at the moment, and knowing that, I'm starting to isolate, which is not an entirely bad thing.

An annual party that one of Rob's awesome coworkers throws every year is happening right now, and instead of going, after a tough therapy session, realizing the utter mountain of work that I have to do, and just being pretty emotionally volatile at the moment, I decided not to go. There's also a family party that is tomorrow that I'm also not going to for the above mentioned reasons AND the respect thing. I just have to listen to my own inner need to be alone when I'm struggling and know that it's only temporary but necessary in order for me to feel better.

I'm trying really hard to just sit with these difficulties that I'm having, which is difficult. I'm facing some decades-old feelings lately, and it's exhausting. The only thing that I can do, if I want to get through this difficulty and feel better on the other side instead of pushing all of these feelings away, is just sit with it. Be alone sometimes if I have to. Also, recognize that I've had this inner turmoil and dissonance before and it will pass and things will be better than they were before once it does. I will be better than I was before once it passes.

In better news, I went to my functional medicine guy last week and my numbers are all closer to where they should be, particularly my thyroid numbers. So, I'm to stay the course and keep eating better. (Also, I cut sugar out again, and that could be why I'm so emotional the past couple of days in particular - cutting out sugar messes with me more than I care to admit, I think.)